So I have this friend (no really, not me)

[thom1102]

Who has been with his partner for a few years. They own a house together and love each other very much. My friend, who I will call Josh, has had a tremendous amount of volatility in his life and (like many here) has seen his considerable financial assets dwindle, as his professional life deteriorates. The house they have together has (unexpectedly) been a real fixerupper and has occupied a great deal of their time and resources.

Here is the deal. Josh's partner Maury is not exactly Josh's physical type (they met during a period where Josh was recovering from a life threatening illness and feeling unlovable), and actually, Maury is a very non-sexual person compared to Josh. Josh loves Maury very much, but isn't really physically stimulated by Maury. Josh has been seeking annonymous sex with multiple partners on the sly, and is wracked with guilt over these indiscretions. He blames his depression and frustration with life for his wanderings, and says the rush he gets from these trists makes him feel good.

After speaking with him for an hour on the phone last night, I convinced him to attend a sexaholics annonymous group, and said that the resolution to these issues lies in therapy to resolve his issues with his career, and relationship, as well as couples counseling to address the issues in communication that exist between them. Finally, I urged him to go to the doctor to get checked for any diseases he may have brought home.

I am not making moral judgements on my friend (I have also strayed in my relationship and it was Josh who I turned to), and I am not looking for maral judgements from people. What I wonder is, did I give my friend good, and adequate advice? Are there people here who have experience with 12 step programs and are willing to discuss their experiences. (I don't mean to pry.) Do you think that a 12 step program would be beneficial to my friend?

[DagmarK]

1. I have experience with a 12-step program......

and really, my feeling is that ANY steps that Josh takes toward a solution will be valuable. So it doesn't matter if he goes to a counselor or a 12-step program or takes up a 20-hour a week volunteer gig at the VA. He's in a rut...and he needs to snap out of it and re-route his life .....and any step he takes that AFFIRMS his willingness for things to change for the better WILL reap tremendous rewards.

In other words.....just getting off the path he is on will lead him to a better path.

That's my take on it.......

[el_gato]

2. I don't think that is the answer

He ought to be honest with that person and end the relationship.
If he is not attracted to her how can he expect to have a good relationship with her?

[thom1102]

5. Because the relationship is more than the sexual aspect of it.

There is an emotional bond between them. The companionship they share is the important thing to both of them. They also have a great deal invested in the relationship, and if they can work through it, then I think they should give it a shot. Try to work things out if they can be, If they can't then at least they gave it their best shot. BTW no her in this relationship.;)

[Boudicea]

3. Do all 12-steps include that "higher power" jazz?

That's something that can turn you off if you're not particularly 'spiritual.' Whether or not a 12-step helps your friend, surely having you to confide in is a big help.

[thom1102]

4. I don't really have any personal experience with

12 step programs, but my take is that the first step, I believe is accepting that there is a higher power, which for Josh is fine, because he is a spiritual person anyway. For me it would be a problem.

[BelgianMadCow]

6. What I would do

in a situation like this (and who hasn't seen the green grass on the other side ?) is try to be honest about my feelings with my partner. I would NOT say "I don't feel attracted to you" (besides, on some level there must be attraction, maybe not physical), nor would I immediately confess having anonymous sex, but one could try to honestly explain how you cannot find everyting you need right at home. This does not have to mean the relationship cannot be very very valuable. And don't forget, sex is only sex. I believe if the bond between two people is strong and broad enough, going elsewhere for sex (like you do for many other things) is not going to break that bond. If your friend explains his needs, and fulfills them in an overt and even sharing way, it may even strengthen their bond.

Just my 2 cents though