My dad is dying. Seems like too many of us are posting such threads recently.

[Flaxbee]

I don't think he's going to pull out of this latest complication.

I saw him for the first time in three years two weeks ago - just for the afternoon, but I flew in (we live on opposite coasts) to sit with him a while. He has been extraordinarily healthy for most of his 82 years, but a combination of a flaky kidney and several aneurysms are combining to make him miserable. He's a doctor, and has decided he doesn't want any more treatment. It hasn't been an easy life for him, and he's dying in damn near destitution (were it not for those horrible "socialistic" benefits we Democrats fight for such as Social Security and veteran's benefits (from WWII) he'd have no income at all). He was not a very 'present' father - but I knew he loved me, and if I needed him or help, he'd be there. So, not much father/daughter bonding over the years, but he was a presence I could turn to if necessary.

So I think I've seen him for the last time. Four of my sisters are nearby, three see him regularly (the other one travels a lot for work). He's not alone. His girlfriend is around a lot, too.

One thing I don't quite understand is that my husband told me that if my father dies it will be because we (my sisters and I) didn't do enough - he had no motivation to live. I'm just numb right now, but that statement strikes me as ... wrong.

[denbot]

1. Sorry to hear about your pop Flaxbee...

Your husband's comment is puzzling..

[Flaxbee]

3. thanks, denbot.

I don't know when the call will come, but I think it will be relatively soon.

Yeah, I think once I quit feeling upset about my father, I'm going to be angry. Well, I already am, but I've got other things to think about now than an insensitive comment by the person who's supposed to 'have my back', so to speak.

[auntAgonist]

2. I'm so sorry Flaxbee

I'm glad you got to spend some time with your Father.

I can't understand WHY your husband would say what he did to you. It sounds cruel and so wrong. :hug:

aA
kesha

[Flaxbee]

4. thank you, kesha

I haven't lost a parent yet - this is new to me. I am glad I got to spend time with him, too. I'm the only one who lives on the east coast (everyone else is on the west) and I talked to my dad pretty regularly, but it was good to hold his hand and just give him a hug.

I don't understand my husband's comment, either.

[kimi]

5. Ah, I'm so sorry

It's good that you re-connected with your dad, though. That will ease your memories, I think. The rest, well, it is perplexing.

Please take care of YOU. :hug:

[nolabear]

6. Flaxbee, I'm sorry. Please don't listen to your husband.

We all die. You, I and everyone reading this and everyone they love will die. I wish it weren't so but it is. Your father will go when he must, and it won't be because of you. I don't know your husband or what would motivate him to say such a thing but dwelling on something like the whys and whens of a person's departing life is fruitless. Those of us who are still here can just love one another through the sorrow. Take care.

[LaurenG]

7. I am really sorry to hear about your father

I hope you can just let your husband's comment go. This is really hard enough without that kind of thoughtless comment. :hug:

[Bennyboy]

8. Wow double whammy there...

how insensitive (borderline mean) of your husband. Sorry about your Dad and being there for him now is good of you.

[bigwillq]

9. First off, I am sorry about Dad.

:hug:

Can't believe hubby said what he did. Maybe it was a temporary lapse in judgment. I have no answers for that one.

:hug:

[xchrom]

10. my thoughts go out to you at this very difficult time of life.

these things are never easy -- my best to you and your family.

[txlibdem]

11. Condolences on your father

It sounds like he spent his life in service to others, being a doctor but destitute at 82. Here in Texas that just doesn't happen: doctors here are mostly in "business" not caring about serving or healing. When I go to my doctor I get maybe 2 minutes of his time and he's so "caring" and "nice." Then I get the bill about 30 days later... Kaboom!

Cherish the memories of your father. I lost mine 15 years ago, he was 79 and died of cancer which he'd had chemo for but had metastasised so the doctors notified him there would be no further treatment forthcoming. At that time I had just started at a job and they refused to give me time off to go see him so my last contact with my dad was a phone call.

We had been estranged for over 30 years prior to that phone call so I wanted to make sure I let him know that I had forgiven him years before but was too stubborn, too "busy" to reach out before. My advice, for what it's worth, is to let your dad know how much you appreciated the time you had with him and maybe thank him for being there for so many people including you.

[Tuesday Afternoon]

12. Don't know how to take that comment from your husband so, I will just offer

you some comfort, peace and mindful energy at this difficult time. :hug:

[GreenPartyVoter]

13. I completely disagree with your husband. Sometimes people are just done with it all. It happened

that way with my own Dad and he was only 63. I think for him the physical pain he was in just wore him down, and the newest complications were just the final straw. (That and there were med issues that didn't help.)

So try to forget what your husband said. He's not your Dad so can't speak with all authority about how he feels. :hug:

[madinmaryland]

14. Sorry to hear that Flax. I'm glad he is not alone.

[tigereye]

15. your husband's comment might be because he is frightened about his own

father, who knows? I think it is very hard for "the kids" to hear that mom and dad don't want anymore treatment.


I feel for you and for your father. My father is 85 and it is hard to see very vibrant and active people not be able to function as well due to illnesses.


:hug:

[Kali]

16. my thought too

his own fears

condolences, Flaxbee

[Flaxbee]

17. his father died years ago, and his mother this last summer

perhaps that is it. I don't think it was said to wound; he has a tendency to be sort of tone-deaf, so to speak, about what he says sometimes, not realizing how truly awful things can sound.

Thank you for your point of view. It helped.

[applegrove]

18. So sorry flaxbee.

[Haole Girl]

19. That was a horrible thing for your husband to say

As if you aren't going through enough right now. :-(

:hug: