Matters of the Heart

[Tobin S.]

I came in off the road in January of 2007 to settle down and possibly start a family. I was 34 years old. I took a job that got me home every day with the weekends off. I quit smoking, lost a bunch of weight, and joined a dating web site. I tried to make myself what I thought was attractive as possible.

Three and a half years and seven women later, in June of 2010, I had not managed to get past a third date with anyone let alone have a shot at a relationship. My life had become dull. I was just existing and no one seemed to be all that interested in me and what I was doing. I needed to shake things up and I didn't need to be around the house for anyone. So I bought a truck and started doing long haul stuff again. I let my profile at the dating site go and stopped looking for someone. I figured that I would be happy enough being single.

Two months ago, a woman happened across my profile on the dating site, liked what she saw, and sent me an e-mail. I told her that some things had changed. I told her about being out on the road, that I had put on some weight, and that I had started smoking again. She still wanted to talk to me. Unlike the others, she seemed to be genuinely in interested in who I was and not just the peripheral stuff.

It's now two months later, and what started as an e-mail has turned into a real romance. I'm meeting her parents this weekend.

So, here I am with this big truck and a long haul job and it's looking like I'm going to need to be making more changes. Anyone want to buy a truck? She understands about me being gone a lot, but if this is going to be the real deal, I'm not going to be able to put her through that. It wouldn't be fair to her and I just wouldn't feel right.

I started this post thinking that I might ask for some advice, but I think I know what I need to do now. I'm going to give it some more time and if things continue to work out good, I'll start making those changes.

[MissHoneychurch]

1. Tobin, all I can say

is that I am happy for you and that I hope everything will work out for you :hug:

[Tobin S.]

2. Thanks Miss H

I think it will work out. Here's a song that I think captures my mood right now. :hug:


Julian Casablancas "Tourist"

It looks like some of the lyrics might be wrong on youtube. Read the ones below.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rnWRqczDGNE



I wish that clouds could hold me up like I thought as a child growing up
I wish I could sound as soothing as the rainfall
But I am only a drop from the storm

Feel like a tourist out in the country
Once this whole world was all countryside
Feel like a tourist in the big city
Soon I will simply evaporate

They took the strings up north, the drums down south
After they crossed Afghanistan a long time ago
You're shuffling your feet into the next dimension
Soon skyscrapers will be everywhere

I feel like a tourist lost in the suburbs
Soon the whole world will be urban sprawl
Feel like a land lover out on the ocean
Feel like a teardrop streaming off your chin

Some will bet against you, try even to prevent you
But not many can stop you man, if you got a perfect plan
Can they possibly try - I demand to know why they would doubt you?
In this hand, a thousand generations...

Feel like a tourist out in the desert
So hot it feels like the Devil's breath
Feel like a tourist out in the swampland
This world is just patches of water and land
Everywhere I go I'm a tourist
But if you stay with me, I'll always be at home

[LawnKorn]

3. Keep the trucking job; Take her along

You abandoned your previous OTR to engage in a yet to be determined relationship, but it just was not the right time. Then you abandoned the facade of the lean, non-smoking, nine to five, internet dating personalty and returned to OTR trucking and guess what? It looks to me like trucking is an independent factor in your finding a relationship.

Get her a Class A Commercial Driver License. Having two CDLs in the cab makes a big difference on the log book when calculating drive time and rest time. All the best to you Tobin.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2W4DZWDYawc

[Tobin S.]

4. That thought has crossed my mind

But she is established in her current life. Good job, nice place, loves her family and lives close to them. I wouldn't want to ask her to change that.

On the other hand, I can easily find another job in trucking and there is nothing holding me where I am right now as far as how things are beyond her. The main difficulty that I would have would be selling my truck, but I might not have to do that if I can lease on somewhere that can get me home a lot.

But I'm going to take it slow. I've got time and I'm going to take the time to make sure that if I'm going to make some changes I will make the right decisions.

On edit: That's a killer guitar solo in that youtube link. :)

[suninvited]

5. It always makes me happy

to hear about good things happening to good people.

[zanana1]

6. Fantastic!

I hope everything works out for you; you deserve it.

[Tuesday Afternoon]

7. Tobin,

you make my heart smile. Good luck to you. Take it one day at a time and you will figure it out as you go. You are a smart guy and well grounded. She is a lucky woman.

[dawg]

8. I'm the last guy to take relationship advice from ...

but then again, I've already gotten one other DU'er into a happy marriage ;).

I don't think you should make any drastic changes to your lifestyle over this woman. Take things slowly, and really get to know her. Know in your heart that she would love you and be *yours* forever, even if you were always on the road. Only then would it make any sense at all to start changing your life to suit the relationship.

I'm so happy that you have found someone, but don't let yourself be so eager to enjoy this great new relationship that you make too many changes in your life too fast. I'm sure lots of long-haul truckers are able to have good relationships. If you can learn to survive on less income, maybe you could remain self-employed and just scale back your time on the road. The jobs you would cull would be the least profitable ones anyway.

Or perhaps you could gradually transition to shorter runs. I'm sure there's work like that out there.

What I do not want to see you do is to give up too much of yourself in order to fit this relationship. You've been alone a long time. Quite frankly, I don't know what that is like. I've been alone for the last six months or so, but not really. I have two wonderful sons who are there half the time to make me smile. So I don't really have that much experience with being alone.

I *do* have experience with allowing another person to become your whole life. I believed the fairy tale idea of romance. She was my best friend, my lover, my confidante - the curvy embodiment of all my hopes and dreams. And I thought I was the same thing to her ..... except minus the curvy part ......... oh, well, maybe I *was* a little curvy too ...... but not any longer 'cause I couldn't fucking eat for three months after I found out she was involved with some other guy behind my back after 19 years of marriage.

Just don't give up too much of yourself. Take it slow. If she's right for you, she'll understand. If not, then really, alone isn't the worst outcome.

Peace,
dawg

[Tobin S.]

10. Takin it slow...that's the plan, dawg

I am thinking about the future, but I'm not going to do anything too fast. I'm just kicking around possibilities at this point. But I know something is going to have to give if this turns out to be a long term deal. I started trucking when I was 24 and I told myself at the time that if I ever got involved with someone or have children to think about, I will not be able to be gone for long periods of time. I've heard enough sad stories from other truckers to know that long haul trucking is hard on families and relationships.

You are right in that there shorter runs that I can do so I can be home more. It might involve changing my lease, but for now I do have a plan to be home more with my current company. The only big decision I've made so far is that I'm going to put off buying a trailer. I've wanted one for a while, but it will still be there when I'm ready if things don't work out.

[lightningandsnow]

9. I'm so happy for you, Tobin!

I'm also in a very happy relationship right now, which I thought would never happen.

It always comes when you least expect it, doesn't it?

:hug:

[av8rdave]

11. That's great news on the relationship front

Whatever path you choose, best wishes for continued happiness!

:toast: