Need man mangement advice from DU guys

[Patiod]

So my Significant Other just got out of the hospital Thursday morning after a laproscopic gallbladder removal. He's in a lot of pain, taking Percosets, and shuffling around today like a 90 year-old.

Here's the problem: He organized his class reunion for Saturday night. He is planning to go, and not only stay until the bitter end, but GO OUT AFTERWARDS. One fellow had to attend another reunion, and asked "can we hook up afterward?" and now S.O. feels obligated to meet up with this character, even though circumstances have changed. He doesn't get out much, and when he does, he is always the last to leave any party - he does NOT know when to say "when", which is fine, but not 3 days post major surgery.

So guys: How do I get him home at the end of the reunion? No one likes to be told what to do, but sometimes people need direction for their own health; he resisted going to the MD, and then to the ER, but I insisted. I've already told him my concerns - that will be making himself vulnerable to infection if he pushes too hard.

[taterguy]

1. Men can not be managed

We think we're invulnerable until it's too late.

Let him be and hope for the best.

Or dig up some valid research about the risks he's taking by going out so soon after surgery.

Your closest medical school's library would probably have some articles you could make him read.

[Patiod]

2. I know they can't

No one - male or female - likes to be told what to do. But post-hospitalization he felt free to take care of ME and make sure I took good care of myself. Now the shoe is on the other foot and forget it. Very frustrating.

[Haole Girl]

23. Truer words have never been spoken

:rofl:

[rug]

3. If you're going with him, grab him by the balls and say "Now!"

On the other hand, if you're not going with him, sew your name, address and phone number inside his shirt so they'll know where to take him.

[alphafemale]

31. Tell him to do that so they'll know who should claim the body...lol

...ehhh... he'll probably be fine. They usually are.

[Kali]

4. he will probably be fine

tired maybe and in a little pain, but really I don't think I would worry that much - doubt if infection is really a concern (did it rupture? then maybe, but I would think they would have kept him in the hospital longer)

[DebJ]

26. They throw you out of hospitals before the signs of an

infection can even be found: insurance company rules, you know. When I had my gallbladder out, the plan was that I would go home as soon as I could walk across the room to the bathroom....just a few hours out of anesthesia. 48 hours later, I was in the ER in extreme pain.
Also, I know a woman who had breast cancer, and had a radical mastectomy on her very well-endowed body. She was diabetic. They sent her home within 24 hours without even taking her temperature. She almost died.

[Chan790]

5. Well...

Are you going? If not, who do you know who is going? Make sure you've got him a "buddy for the night" who won't let him get into too much trouble, will stick by him and knows how to contact you (and your basic wishes. i.e. If he needs to go to the hospital, his docs are resident at this hospital.) in an emergency. Make sure this person knows they can "lean on him" if need be. (ie. " Hey man, it's getting late and I gotta do things tomorrow, let's go.) Also, have this person drive him so that he's not driving while drinking and on percoset, also means he's got to go when they go.

You pretty much can't make him do anything he's unwilling to do, so try to get a promise from him to take it easy and to not come home too too late.

Edit: Nix that. Make sure he knows he can't drink while on the Percoset.

[siligut]

6. Tell him if he drinks alcohol he will ruin this evening.

Or, if you want him home, don't tell him. Gallbladder removal has the side effect of creating an intolerance to alcohol. My best guess is that it plays a role in metabolism. But from patient reports, alcohol after cholecystectomy equals nausea, cramps and headaches. With the new laproscopic procedures, people do recover rather quickly. Infection is not as common as it was.

If it is any consolation, my guy is the most stubborn person I have ever known. I can tell him something in the nicest possible way, in order to protect him, yet I always end up comforting him after he does it anyway. Argh. We love 'em; what can ya do?

[Kali]

9. say what?

"Gallbladder removal has the side effect of creating an intolerance to alcohol."

got any evidence? SURGERY might affect tolerance temporarily, but specifically cholecystectomy? I don't think so.

[Posteritatis]

11. Well, if the surgery's within two days of the reunion... (nt)

[siligut]

12. Personal reference Kali.

This is a complaint I heard fairly often. I tried to make that clear in my first post, sorry if I didn't.

[HopeHoops]

7. Alcohol and Oxycodone DO NOT mix!!!

Other than the obvious reason not to mix two depressants, Oxycodone has acetaminophen in it (and usually quite a bit). That's a nasty combination with alcohol and the liver is the most likely part to complain about it.

[Patiod]

13. So true - and that's why he has no plans to drink

Even in the ER, he said "well, I guess I won't be drinking at the reunion". He's aware that Percoset + alcohol = disaster. I'm just worried that the adrenaline high from pulling off a successful party will cause him to over-tap his limited energy reserves.l

[era veteran]

39. Percoset give you the ability to work like hell while

you are taking them. I have to watch myself when I have to use them. Your mind also thinks you can do what you are used to doing. You pay for it the next day too. Be careful and be aware. Good luck

[EOTE]

8. You'll catch more flies with honey.

Unfortunately, guys can vary quite a bit from one to the other. However, most of the ones I know love to spend a nice night home with their S.O. I don't know if you're planning on going to the reunion or not, but I'd recommend that you go and try to have a good time. Perhaps sometime during or before the reunion, you could tell him that you've planned a (fun, relaxing, exciting) night at home with him and you'd appreciate it if he stayed with you rather than going out. I'd imagine that it would be very hard for him to turn down, especially if you've made a few plans.

[Patiod]

14. It was an all-boy school, and everyone is bringing their wives

The plan all along was for me to go.

He just won't want to hear me say "we really need to get you home" in front of his friends, so I was looking for some ideas about how to convince him ahead of time that the reunion itself is going to be challenging enough 3 days after surgery without trying to do any (even alcohol-free) post-partying.

[HipChick]

10. Tell him you are going with him

[Patiod]

15. That was the plan all along

An all-boy school, so everyone is bringing their wives, or long-term consorts such as myself.

He was so sick on Monday that I told him I'd go in his place, wear a nametag with his name, and tell people I was him, and had a sex change - hey we're both 6', I might have pulled it off!

[annabanana]

19. Go with him and then, when he doesn't want to admit that he'd

really rather be home in bed... develop a "headache" and ask him to bring you home.

[Moondog]

16. Do I really need to say this?

Make him an offer that he can't (based upon your past experience with him) refuse. A bribe, if you prefer that term.

What that would be is completely up to your perception of what will work. But since you already are his SO you should, by now, know what that is.

Just as any lady who has spent some time with me would know exactly what to dangle out there as an offer to get me to do her bidding on a particular occasion.

FWIW.

And good luck.

[EOTE]

18. Ding ding ding!

I was trying to say the same thing upthread, but wanted to be as tactful as possible. I'm amazed that women still think we're complicated creatures. We can really be coaxed rather easily.

[Bucky]

20. This would totally work on me, too.

One add on is conspire to have a couple of friends come by and visit him for that after party. That way he keeps his buddy time without leaving the house.

[Orrex]

17. Tell him that it would take a lot of gall

On a marginally more serious note, the problem is that if he's decided to go, then he's already shut of rational consideration of the medical consequences.

[UTUSN]

21. This is a LEGITIMATE hissy-fit situation.

1) WHO without life-threatening/whatever REAL life situations puts that much importance on school reuinions?!1

2) I've had some MINOR surgeries (which this AIN'T) and being non-compliant is IDIOCY.

3) Tell the a-holes that if they CARE about their 'mate, they can visit him at the bedside.

4) THROW THE FIT.


Now, here's what I do when I encounter bike riders without a helmet: I lecture them about what A-holes and IDIOTS they are and tell them about how I've SEEN about three dudes in their 30s in comas on a hospital bed. The last one I said, "Your buddy's RIDE BELL will NOT save you. And whatever else won't save you when you hit a pot hole."


Recently, it worked, and the next time the rider came in he had a brand new helmet.


Anyway, sometimes hissy fits ARE appropriate.

[Patiod]

28. I would agree, but he organized it

He found everyone without any help from the school, and organized the first reunion in 30 years.

But I'm holstering the hissy fit just in case he wants to go somewhere AFTER the reunion!

(Thanks for the lecture on helmets - I sometimes ride my friend's bike when she lends me her house at the beach, and don't wear a helmet, rationalizing that "it's the off-season, and there aren't any cars to worry about" but your comment about the pothole hit home. Will wear a helmet next time.)

[Tuesday Afternoon]

22. man management?

:rofl:

[Haole Girl]

24. I know, I'm laughing so hard right now...

my husband asked, "What's so funny?" It just made me laugh more.

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

[Tuesday Afternoon]

25. it just sounds so ---

50's ... ??

:shrug:

:D

:hi:

[Patiod]

29. I agree, but I'm at the end of my rope

We've been together 18 years, and can usually come to a reasonable compromise on almost everything.

I attribute his stubbornness on this one issue to him being a guy, as opposed to him being the person he is. It might be a 1950's stereotype but men will not give in when they're sick - you have no idea how hard it was to get him to the doctor and the ER in the first place.

Was going to post "man wrangling" but I thought people would assume I was trying to catch a guy....

[Tuesday Afternoon]

32. what has the Doctor said about all this? why was surgery scheduled for the same week

as this reunion? was this emergency surgery?

welcome to the world of non-compliant patients.

Good luck.

[Patiod]

33. Oh yeah - MD -> ER -> OR within 24 hrs

Not his choice - it was really inflamed.

I just read that a tendency toward gallbladder problems is genetic, and of course NOW his sister tells us, in a "welcome to the club" email, that everyone else in the family has had theirs removed . Had we known, it might have hastened the Dx process a little.

[Tuesday Afternoon]

36. well, as long as he has his Dr's blessings --

:shrug:

[WCGreen]

27. Two words...

Wheel Chair...

[Patiod]

30. He HAS agreed to sit

which is a huge compromise. Not in a wheelchair, but at least he has said he'll sit.

He also let the guys know his situation in his final email about the reunion: "no last minute cancellations - if I can make it 3 days after gallbladder surgery, you can make it too" He said he did it so people won't speculate that he's gone downhill pretty badly in 30 years!

[WCGreen]

38. I hope he is safe and sound....

[MilesColtrane]

34. I predict that after spending several sober hours with people with which he no longer has much in...

common, he'll be ready to go home at a reasonable hour.

[Patiod]

41. And we have a winner!

That's what happened.

Unfortunately, the one fellow he still has a lot in common with showed up late, ready to party into the night. When everyone else went home, he wanted to go out somewhere else and meet up with another friend, but I suggested that idea would be more fun some time in the future when SO could drink again, and didn't have the old ball-and-chain with him. They both agreed (says a lot about either alcohol or me).

So I got him home without as much of a fight as I expected, thanks to exhaustion. He took 2 Percosets and was out like a light shortly after.

[MilesColtrane]

42. You're a crafty and good wife.

He survives with his stitches and ego both intact.

Hope he's feeling better soon.

[Supply Side Jesus]

35. Contact his friends

and express your concern and wishes for an early return. Emphasize your concerns and love for your S.O., and your appreciation to them for the assistance they might render.
I'm usually sucker for the wishes of a buddy's wife, and respectful of them.

All else fails, lace his drink with NyQuil ;-)

[abq e streeter]

37. Promise him that if he'll come home early, you'll turn down the lights, light some candles,

snuggle up real close.... and CRANK UP THE CLASH FULL BLAST.

[Patiod]

40. what an amazing memory you have, abq!!!

and how sad is it that promises to tolerate full-blast Clash actually do have more effect as a bribe than "sweet nothings" anymore.

Fortunately, he faded by 11:00, and when his friend suggested meeting up with a guy that couldn't make it and going out afterward, he declined all on his own (well, OK, I said "maybe that would be more fun when he can drink again" and they both agreed with that).

[abq e streeter]

43. Amazing? maybe, but definitely selective....usually if it relates to music (or baseball)

I always remember who my musical compadres on DU are, especially my fellow E Streeters, but also Clash fans, of which I am also very much one of them too. You only "tolerate" full blast Clash? (Unless you're also kidding about that too). To me, either Bruce or Strummer singing at the top of their lungs (and of the speakers) is rock and roll nirvana . In fact Bruce has spoken of 70's punk, and especially The Clash, as having been a major influence on the Darkness on the Edge of Town album..But at the risk of being too serious, I hope it was just a joke about that he'd rather listen to The Clash than "sweet nothings" from you. And if it's not a joke, I hope you two can work out whatever issues are causing that.
So, from your fellow E Streeter out here in the desert,


:yourock: and...:pals:



P.S. glad to know that he pooped out early and preserved his health.

[Odin2005]

44. This guy is staying outta this!

:rofl:

[TorchTheWitch]

45. tell him if he dares leave the sofa he'll stay on it for a year...

cold and ALONE.

Personally though, I'd tell him if he goes I'll grab hold of his scrotum and yank it up over his head. Not that I actually would, but hearing it for some reason makes them not willing to take the risk.

[Missy Vixen]

46. Hey, gorgeous

How's it going now?

I've had that surgery. I didn't feel "normal" for almost two weeks. I wasn't doing a lot even one week post-op, and I was off the Percocet after four days. I took Advil.

I hope you're doing fine, and he's learned it's not possible to bust a move three days post-op...