BREAKING NEWS, CNN, November 27, 2040: President Quench Palin Orders Full Pardon For Noelle Bush

[Amerigo Vespucci]

Pictured above: Noelle Bush (file photo)

CNN WASHINGTON DC - Earlier today, President Quench Palin signed an executive order issuing a full pardon to Noelle Bush for her role in what has become known as the Toledo Contra Affair. According to Palin, Bush had unwittingly become involved in a scheme to sell arms to a Toledo deli owner in exchange for season tickets to the 2038 Cleveland Cavaliers home games.

Palin's mother and former President Sarah Palin applauded the President's decision. "Ever since America embraced the one-party system in 2016, we've become a better, stronger, more rootin' tootin' patriotic don't take my gun or my god shall smite thee nation, oh you betcha, anyone seen my dentures?"

While her comments, which lasted a full four hours, did not seem to address any of the key issues in the Toledo Contra Affair, her aides assured the media that her remarks were relevant, cogent, lucid, and pretty gosh-darned patriotic as well.

After the pardon, President Palin treated reporters to lime sherbet and smores in the Cappucino Corner, formerly known as The Oval Office.

MORE: Bush Pardoned!

[UrbScotty]

1. Not falling for that again! ;-)