A poem. It's ok, you can tell me it sucks; I know that already

[Bossy Monkey]

The Suitors of Penelope

The bard sang that the vengeful sailor
after 20 years returned and killed the men
who for all that time pressed marriage claims upon his suffering wife
or pretended same just to eat his food.
Nothing of the sort.
What killed the suitors
was Penelope's patient love
and enduring hope for his return
and her indifference and contempt
for all of them.
The poison hemlock helped, too.
This is why you never trust a blind poet.

[RandomThoughts]

1. Many people use 'trust' so they can blame their actions on someone else.

It is a consignment of thought to 'trust' someone.

If you have to think and decide, then you are more responsible for your actions, so many like to blind trust.


Trust has a place, in many things it is really good, but there should be a constant evaluation of why and what you trust in another person.




On a side note, I was watching Star Wars movie, and I saw something I had not seen before. Ben was fighting Darth Vader, and was fighting normally, but when he saw Luke was looking he allowed Darth Vader to strike him down. It was Luke seeing him that changed his mode in the light saber fight with Darth Vader.

Then by that he did not lose anything knowing the ways of the force, and protected Luke from seduction of the dark side by Darth Vader through showing what Darth Vader was about.

Never noticed that before.

[seaglass]

2. I really like this. It reminds me of my favorite poet - Billy Collins. n/t

I feel like I should say more. I like the humor, it's not pretentious at all and every word counts :-)

[Bossy Monkey]

3. Thanks so much! I'll look up Billy Collins, definitely. n/t

[seaglass]

9. Read his poem "Nostalgia" and see if you like it. It really made me laugh. n/t

[Bossy Monkey]

11. Awesome! Thanks for the head's up. n/t either

[MiddleFingerMom]

4. I like this a lot. My biggest suggestion is...

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...NEVER ask for someone's honest opinion by critiquing yourself
in the request. First, it prejudices the critic from the start... and
second, it may trigger a "pity fuck" of a response.
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I don't see any reason to denigrate this poem.
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As said above, carefully well-chosen words trimmed of fat. It also
flows without any awkward blocks... and the line usage makes for
great movement in the poem.
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Not to mention GREAT story.
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I'd be very happy if this were my poem.
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[Bossy Monkey]

5. Thanks! I'm just mad because my brain is spinning this stuff off

when it's supposed to be writing a novel. Bad brain!:)

[MiddleFingerMom]

8. GOOD brain!

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It's probably flushing itself... clearing room so it can move on with your novel.
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Though the metaphor sucks as what it flushed was not "crap"... but it still very
well might be doing a slow-acting grinding, churning Drano-purge of whatever
blockages against which it might be laboring.
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It will work itself free. See it as positive. Smoke 'em if you got 'em. Let it happen.
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Be the ball.
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[Tuesday Afternoon]

6. I like it except I would drop the last line

people around here talk about spare and lean. They have no idea how I cut to the bone. They would hate to have me for an editor. My shit be sparse.

[MiddleFingerMom]

10. I agree...

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...as that last line caught me off-guard, but I just figured it was
some turn crucial to the poem that I was missing.
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And it WOULD end very well on the second-to-last line
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OR (to please Tuesday Afternoon)
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agree
end bad
unsure I then
not now
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Trim THAT... you... you... you editor!!! {editor: (noun) one who has the temerity to ignantly adulterate my masterpiece}
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[Bossy Monkey]

13. There's the strong punchline and the weak punchline, and of course it's better

to end on the strong one. But the weak one was the whole point of the poem, when it attacked me out on the hiking trail. So I'm keeping it, or more poems may attack me out in the wilds.

[MiddleFingerMom]

16. How 'bout...

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... opening the poem with that line?
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Works much better for me -- and you keep that crucial element
that your reader is unable to connect to as a final punchline.
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[Tuesday Afternoon]

19. oh lord

:rofl:

[Gormy Cuss]

7. "suitors" implies that they gave Penelope a choice, but the rest of text suggests otherwise.

Other than that, I think it's pretty cool.

[Bossy Monkey]

12. You'll have to take it up with the blind poet. Or several millennia's worth of translators n/t

[seaglass]

14. So did you write this or ??? You forced me to look up Penelope - learned

something new :-)

[Bossy Monkey]

15. I didn't write the Odyssey of Homer, no

The shorter poem is all me, however. (I didn't read the Odyssey of Homer, either. Hopefully my 9th grade English teacher isn't out there lurking.)

[Gormy Cuss]

26. It's actually an interesting exercise to follow how translations change over time.

In college I did comparative analysis of English translations of the Pentateuch as part of a Hebrew language class. It was quite an eye opener.

[Bossy Monkey]

27. Did you ever follow Historical Jesus research? Also fascinating n/t

[Gormy Cuss]

30. No, but I bet it would be interesting. n/t

[Demoiselle]

17. This poem does NOT suck.

I think it's pretty goddamn fine, actually. That is all.

[MiddleFingerMom]

20. Apparently... that was NOT all. n/t

[Bossy Monkey]

24. Thanks very much! n/t

[Demoiselle]

18. This poem does NOT suck.

I think it's pretty goddamn fine, actually. That is all.

[MiddleFingerMom]

21. Apparently... that was NOT all.

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Was THIS all?
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:rofl:
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[Demoiselle]

22. Oh hah hah hah.

It's my computer's fault. :fistbump:

[MiddleFingerMom]

23. I know it is -- it's happened to me (and probably all of us), but you reminded me...

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...of an EXCELLENT line used by a co-worker of mine when we were
doing phone customer service for Vanguard Mutual Funds.
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As in almost all centers, we were not allowed to tell callers when
our system was bogged down (it was like a corporate "admission of
weakness" -- this is really STUPID, as callers IMMEDIATELY empathize
and calm down when you tell them that).
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His line was to ask for their pardon... as "my computer is doing what
I TOLD it to do instead of what I WANT it to do".
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I use that now and then and it never fails to get a laugh.
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[Demoiselle]

29. Ah yes, a good workman never blames his tools.

That "what I told it to do" is a great line. And I'm sure it works. I know I'm always happier when I get an honest to god human at the end of one of those interminable phone systems...and when the human turns out to be even more human, it's very nice.

[nolabear]

25. It's a good poem and a good story.

The style matches the story and time period, always a great asset.

Don't sell yourself short.

[Bossy Monkey]

28. Thanks!

(The real explanation for the soft sell in the subject line is that there are people here who will actually slam CalPeg's poetry, 'though I think it was behind her back. So I figured I'd get them to come in and slam mine instead.)