A GUIDE TO TOOLS AND THEIR USES

[Kali]

REAL USES OF TOOLS

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings
your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.



WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and
hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh--!'



SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and
the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense
welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the
wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes , trapping the jack handle firmly
under the bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash
can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your
shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your
palms.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the
object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such
as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing
work clothes, but only while in use.

SON-OF-A-BITCH TOOL: (A personal favorite!) Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a BITCH!' at the top of
your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

Hope you found this informative.

[lukasahero]

1. "Error: You can't recommend threads from this forum"

Having spent the day listening to various curses emanating from the basement (where the workshop is located), I really enjoyed this. :)

[amerikat]

2. I used a 12" adjustable wrench as a hammer this very day.

This is very handy tool. Know what it is?

[Kali]

3. no I don't

some kind of sheet metal handle or holder? looks like it is adjustable?

[amerikat]

4. Romex wire stripper.

cuts the outer plastic casing. So much better than a utility knife.



one end does #12, #14 wire the other works on #10 wire.

[Kali]

5. oh cool

beats the hell out of a dull pocket knife or my kitchen scissors too!

[amerikat]

7. Prevents more blood loss than any other tool I own.

I don't know why this tool is not more popular.

[Kali]

8. this is my main tool

I improvise on plumbing/vehicle repair, but this is the one tool I freak out over if I can't find it.

[amerikat]

11. Ah, the fence multi-tool.

and zombie killer.

[MiddleFingerMom]

13. Let it be resolved:

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One will wear a lockable metal athletic supporter whenever one visits Kali's ranch.
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[Kali]

15. good idea

I know how to wield a scalpel too}(

[rug]

6. My tool box is the Yellow Pages.

Come to think of it, it's also my cookbook.

[Kali]

9. ...

you are a smart man, rug

[snagglepuss]

10. Fricking hysterical. I'm dying here. Laughing so hard, I can't breathe.

Thanks. I needed that.

[NV Whino]

12. Having just used a hammer in such a manner

(the most expensive part adjacent the object I was trying to hit was my hand), I can relate to this. Nice swollen hand and the piece of olive wood still isn't split.

[MiddleFingerMom]

14. VERY funny!!! Been there... done MOST of that.

.
<---- should have acquired the nickname "Lefty" many many times over
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It's truly a wonder that most of us (but perhaps ESPECIALLY I) have kept
all ten of our digits all these decades.
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Not to mention other essential body parts...... :scared:
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.

[lukasahero]

16. Ha!

"It's truly a wonder that most of us (but perhaps ESPECIALLY I) have kept all ten of our digits all these decades."

That's how I feel about myself and kitchen knives. My husband and I have agreed, given my grace and skill in the kitchen (insert sarcasm smilie here) that HE will be owner of all things "table saw".

[kentauros]

17. Every time I drop a knife in the kitchen

I think about a "discussion" had in the Cooking & Baking forum about ceramic knives. Us clumsy folk are just supposed to be more careful if we own a ceramic knife and always be fully conscious of what we're doing so that we will never ever drop a knife :P

I just make sure my feet are out of the way when a knife "goes south" ;)

[Tyrs WolfDaemon]

22. Every knife I own or get

Will cut me, usually something fierce, but then never cut me again. It has become a family joke that I'm not allowed near new knives.

[Crystal Clarity]

18. LOL!...This entire thread including the OP cracks me up

My 'tool' is in bed getting his beauty sleep right now.

Sorry to interrupt. Carry on! :patriot:...:rofl:

[Old Troop]

19. Kali this is great! Tools are, in fact, animate. And they hate people!

[Mopar151]

29. Depends on how ya treat 'em........

And, to a large extent, on their "bloodlines". I've rarely been treated badly by Starret or Snap-On tools, but the Asiaian stuff can be nasty and treacherous.

[BlueCollar]

20. Basic Rule regarding tools

If you can't fix it by hitting it with a hammer, the problem is obviously electrical...

[LearnedHand]

21. The FUCKIT TOOL

That Sawzall you grab when the sonofabitching bolt WILL NOT loosen.

[kimi]

23. Hilarious!!

:rofl:

May I share? I know a few carpenter types who'd appreciate this type of wisdom. Me, I can't hammer a nail straight, so it's wisdom lost on me, but I appreciate the humor, oh, yeah!!

[snagglepuss]

24. Kicking for anyone who missed this.

[hunter]

25. Excellent Guide!

When we were teens working on cars and motorcycles and stuff at my parent's house, my siblings and I used to throw tools that had failed us into the vacant field outside the garage. Sometimes the tools got lost and sometimes we simply didn't care to find them again in our bloody knuckled rages.

In preparing to build a house the owner of the property sent some guys fresh up from Guatemala to clean up the property. They carefully collected up every last tool and metal object they found, including very small things like cracked 10mm sockets and stripped bolts. Their boss delivered them to my parents with a big smile on his face.

As it turned out only about half the tools were ours. On the other side of the field fifty years previously there'd been a work shed owned by Chevron Oil. Evidently the guys who'd worked there had been throwing their cursed tools and bits of metal in the opposite direction.

[BlueCollar]

26. If you can't fix it with a hammer

Your problem is electrical.

[denbot]

27. Awesome post Kali

You forgot to include my favorite, the stud finder. A battery operated device that helps to find the hollow spots in your wall.

[Paper Roses]

28. Fantastic. A fun read for us do-it-yourselfers. You forgot:

Measuring tape. Every one is defective. Always 2 inches short. Wasted lots of wood using them. I always remember about this defect after I do the work.