Wow, worst day ever - I really need some friends

[ThoughtCriminal]

After a very nice holiday with family visiting, my best friend, my wife for over 23 wonderful years, tells me last night that she doesn't love me anymore and wants to be alone. I love and adore her, I've always been a good and faithful husband, I've been supportive of her aspirations. For the moment we're still together, but she wants me to go away. Raised two children and have two grandchildren. We have always been amazingly compatible and kind too each other. Suddenly, I'm resented.

I told her that I would do anything to make it work, but she needs to try too (no response).

So, I've been alone all day with no one to talk to, hoping that when she comes home from work, she will say something that will give me a sliver of hope. So, I try to work, having imaginary conversations. Can't cry because I know I won't be able to stop.

[Kali]

1. I don't know what to say

except of course you have friends here in the lounge

I'm sorry this is happening to you. Why do people do these things around holidays?

[CaliforniaPeggy]

2. My dear ThoughtCriminal...

Oh, how awful. That had to be the worst bombshell...

I would strongly suggest that you both get to a marriage counselor. It sounds like she has something brewing inside, and has had it for some time...

You both need help. I am so sorry to hear this. I know you're devastated...

I hope you can find out what the problem is, and fix it.

:hug:

[Ikonoklast]

3. I don't want to be a jerk about this, but it is time to be proactive and protect yourself.

This didn't 'just happen', she has been thinking about this for some time now. The decision to split was made a while ago and she was just looking for the opportunity to tell you the bad news.

Consult an attorney, ASAP. DO IT NOW.

Please, for your own sakes, as hard as it may be put your emotions aside and consult an attorney before all hell breaks loose.

It's one thing to be devastated emotionally by getting blindsided like that, but getting ruined financially at the same time can destroy you.

The 'no response' speaks volumes. There will be little you can do to change her mind, as you have already made all the emotional concessions and she rejected them by the lack of response.


I might even assume she has already taken legal steps of her own and sought counsel.




I wish to God that someone would have told me what I just told you to do, right from the start.




And hear this: You cannot try to save what in the mind of another is already finished.

[flying rabbit]

4. I wish I could recommend this post.

To the OP: :hug:

[Bennyboy]

27. The best advice in this thread...DO IT NOW...

Once the decision has been made there is not turning back, no saving you marriage, nothing. BUT SAVE YOURSELF, become adversarial and get out at least financially intact.

[raccoon]

28. I strongly second what this poster has said. Get thee to a barracuda lawyer.

SOrry this happened to you. :hug:

[BlueIris]

31. As I posted below, I think she is a spouse abandon-er. If that's the case,

yes, it's time for legal counsel. Those who abandon their partners often make them the enemy (in order to justify the abandonment.)

[madinmaryland]

5. I am sorry to hear that. I would suggest that you speak to a marriage couselor.

I did that when I went through my divorce years ago, and it really helped me deal with what was going on and to talk to someone with an un-biased view on the situation. It's not like talking to your friends and family.

[grace0418]

6. I'm so sorry TC.

I have to agree with the previous poster who said to protect yourself. It may seem harsh but it's really the best advice. I just two family members go through this last Thanksgiving. He tried for months to figure out what to do in order to make it work but she had already made her decision by the time she blind-sided him with it. After a few months of torture and a few more months of legal wrangling, they were divorced in April.

I hope for the best for you, maybe your wife just needs some time. But for your sake, please protect yourself now.

In the meantime, big big hugs to you.

[Lindsey]

8. I'm so sorry to hear this. I agree that this must have things going

on with her that you didn't know about. I think if I were in this situation, I'd ask her to please explain what happened.

[safeinOhio]

7. Very sorry.

I've been there and it is no fun. A good and faithful husband becomes a boring person to another. I'd guess there is more to the story in her life and there is not much you can do about it. Rather than plead and beg, you might try jump ahead of the game and find a lawyer. A good one. My lawyer helped me in many more ways than just being a legal person. She had seen everything many times before and clued me in on real life. A few years later and I'm surviving in a new life that I had never dreamed of.

Best of luck.

[siligut]

9. I was just kvetching with a friend last night.

We are both tired of our husbands...this is going to get positive for you, but I am giving some background first. Her husband was actually her superior before she changed professions. My husband is somewhat old-fashioned. Friend and I are both capable, have our own money and feel held back by critical and needy guys. Now, I love my DH dearly, would walk through fire for him, but this neediness and dependency is weighing on me of late. Take a good look and you will see, most holiday preparation falls on the female in the relationship, at least in my group of friends. We are too tired to do what we want to do. We are so busy doing for others. Give her her space. Take a vacation without her, give her time, take care of all your needs yourself for a while. Let her remember why she married you and stayed with you for so long. Make a concession to something she really wants but you kept objecting to and then work with her. This time of year can make things look bleak, don't give into it. Good luck and :hug:

[ThoughtCriminal]

10. Thanks to all of you

My head is just spinning. I really, really, really do not want this marriage to end. I'll probably take a few days and visit with daughter and grandchildren (But I absolutely do not want them to know about this yet), talk with some old friends that have been through it (contacts, advice).

We have had the kind of relationship that everyone who has known us has envied. if it doesn't work out, it will be a huge shock and I can't explain it.

[rug]

11. Show her your post.

[kimi]

12. I'm so sorry

Awful time for this to happen for you. Taking time away is a good idea, but I'd also suggest what others have. If you can, do talk or consult with an attorney - most initial consults are not too expensive and IF it's necessary in the future, you need to have that backup, really you do. Sometimes it's a temporary thing, a momentary stress, but don't take it on faith that it is. Your head and heart are sore now, but as soon as the shock has worn off, please think about this in depth and think about YOURSELF. Cause it sounds like right now, she isn't. So - you need to.

Take care, really. Hugs. :hug:

[kayakjohnny]

13. I'm sorry for this.

I don't have much else to say.

I hope and believe you will find peace however this works out.

And I am wishing you both the best.

[hedgehog]

14. If you can - have her get a thorough physical and be checked for depression.

It's possible she is very depressed and looking for a source of her pain.

[pink-o]

15. TC, so sorry! My ex-husband woke up one morning and didn't want our life anymore.

Seriously, it was almost overnight he totally reinvented himself and decided I was part of the old life he was rejecting. So if you're thinking you should have known something was going on, sometimes you just get blindsided. It was up to your wife to keep you in the loop as she became more and more dissatisfied--not just dump it all at once and say there's nothing you can do to change her mind. Perhaps you can argue that point long enough to get her to a marriage councilor. Tell her she owes you that much: to explain the evolution of her feelings. Right now she has all the control and you can't figure things out if she continues to withhold her reasons for the split.

Anyway, I well remember my own devastation, and I wasn't even married half as long as you. Please stay strong and insist she engage in the process. You can't go on without knowing what happened.

[ThoughtCriminal]

16. Well, as of tonight, there seems to be some reasonable ground

There are stress issues that do not involve me and can be dealt with. My take is that if we can find a way to reduce the external pressures, there is hope.

I need hope.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

17. That's good.

She needs hope too.

She needs to remember that you love her and will help her. I still advise seeing a marriage counselor, if only to help her with the stress issues.

Good luck...

[siligut]

18. Hope is good!

Good luck to both of you.

[rurallib]

19. Good luck. Nothing worse than the feeling that you have no input

or control of anything in your own life.

[Lisa0825]

20. Good to hear. I hope it works out, (((hugs)))

:grouphug:

[Haole Girl]

21. Wonder if your wife would agree to marriage counseling

Good luck with everything. I wish you the best. :hug:

[raccoon]

29. Oh, and don't move out! nt

[BlueIris]

32. Good luck, I guess, but I doubt there's much of that hope thing.

I hate to post it, but I think you should prepare for the end.

[GreenPartyVoter]

35. Good luck. I think

counseling is still a really good idea, so see if you two can find a good therapist.


Also, I want to recommend tapping. It looks weird to a lot of people at first, but it does work for me.

An explanation of how it works: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GCYkdK0Uol0

For current emotional problems, such as you need to vent feelings during or after a fight: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K2a4k9eDw4Q

For working through old issues: Part 1: http://www.youtube.com/user/tapwithkarin#p/u/5/0cUVH8n5Vvs and Part 2: http://www.youtube.com/user/tapwithkarin#p/u/4/7isIlKBkgXg

[applegrove]

22. You go ahead and cry. It will get it all out plus you'll come to some realizations

and accept the 'new normal' as you stop crying. You may need this 'new normal' to fight for your marriage. You'll be more perceptive rather than frozen in shock. So sorry for you. I hope you can get some counselling as a couple and find a way to be together.

[grasswire]

23. You need to see a lawyer.

Just for self protection.

Understand that when I say this, I'm saying it without knowing anything about your wife. But SOME spouses who have come to this point clean out assets.

Even though you may very well weather this together, you have to protect yourself.

Has she seen a lawyer? Ask her.

[nolabear]

24. Counseling is very important right now, no matter what the outcome.

I see couples in your situation all the time. A good counselor can either help you to repair the damage to your marriage or to end the marriage in a way that's most healthy for you and your family. I say it this way because sometimes a spouse who feels as if ending the marriage is the only way will believe that seeing a counselor is going to be an arm-twist to save the relationship, and every possibility and why it seems like the way to go has to be out on the table.

Good luck, dear. I wish you both well.

[abq e streeter]

25. I have nothing to add to the good advice and kind words of all the others who have posted,

but I just wanted to wish you the best, whatever that turns out to be, and also to just be one more person that is letting you know they are so very sorry that you're hurting like this.

On edit, just saw your more hopeful post, and of course I hope you can work it out. Again, my very best hopes and wishes for you....

[Withywindle]

26. I am so, so sorry.

:hug:

I've been blindsided in a long-term relationship too (and for the record, men do this to women too, and men do it to men and women do it to women - I don't think it's a gender thing).

The first thing you need to do is find out who is in your support system for REAL. Who can you talk to honestly? Who will stand by you while you go through a grief process? Go to those people, and don't be afraid to tell them what you need.

I would really recommend a marriage counselor. Even if it turns out your wife isn't interested in doing the work to fix things, you at least have a professional who understands the pain and issues involved.

I wish you all the best. If the worst comes to worst, it's going to be a day-by-day survival issue for a long time. Do whatever you need to get through another day.

[BlueIris]

30. Uh, have you heard of Abandoned Wife Syndrome? Methinks you have the husband version.

Very sorry.

http://www.amazon.com/Runaway-Husbands-Abandoned-Recovery-Renewal/dp/0986472107/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1291133923&sr=1-1

[joeybee12]

33. Wow, that's really tough...here are good thoughts and vibes coming your way...

:grouphug:

[area51]

34. I'm so sorry.

:hug:

[Redstone]

36. Gaw damn. Words fail me. I really do feel for you, and hope for the best.

Redstone