Trying to cut ties - eh

[kimi]

Oh, seems like an age-old story, really. *sigh*

I recently broke with the guy who was the first serious relationship after my decades-long marriage. He told me - after we'd been together for several months - that he was still in love with the woman who dumped him 3 years ago, and he just couldn't find a way to move on from THAT relationship. I'm just having some difficulty coming to terms with this.

Yes, I know that there are other guys out there. That I can find a guy who will be good to me. But it's just kind of difficult, ya know? I'm not used to this - would have been easy 20 - 25 years ago, but now? - no, it's not so easy.

Don't mean to whine, I know that there are folks in a lot worse shape than me, and I feel very VERY selfish in even bringing this up. But I know that there is a wealth of info out there in Lounge-land that can help, and I'd appreciate any and all words of advice.

TIA.

[Heidi]

1. kimi, I'm not gonna give you any advice.

I'm just gonna give you a hug. :hug:

P.S. This isn't advice, just my own experience: The best thing I did after my divorce many years ago was learn to be alone. What I found, after choosing to be alone and coming to enjoy being alone, was that when I started dating, I was really choosing who I spent my time with. Hard to explain, but there was a LOT of power in choosing.

:hug:

[kimi]

17. Thank you

For the hug. I'm needing it right now.

And I need to learn how to be alone. It's difficult, I've never learned that skill, was never taught it by my mom, who married rapidly after every one of her 4 divorces. Some things you gotta learn on your own, and I appreciate the support here. :hug:

[Ghost in the Machine]

21. Being "alone" isn't really as bad as it sounds...

It gives you time to be with yourself and really get to know yourself again, or sometimes for the first time. Take the time to look deep within yourself and figure out what you really want out of life, what makes you happy and what you can do without. You will be amazed at some of the things you didn't even know about yourself, and even more amazed when you find yourself doing things you never dreamed you could do.

Think back about watching your mom go through her relationships and see if you think she was ever truly happy. Some people feel they cannot be 'complete' without having a partner and they will continue to plow on through a string of failed relationships... and heartbreak. The only person in this world who can make you happy is *you*. Once you are comfortable, and happy, with yourself you can then share that happiness with someone else that you *choose* to share it with.

I have been a single father for over 14 years now. My daughter just graduated last may and turned 18 in August. My son turned 17 in September. I never thought I would make it this far, but it has been an incredible experience that I wouldn't trade for the world.

The main thing is, as I mentioned above, is to really get to know yourself. Become your own best friend and be good to yourself. Learn to *enjoy* being single and calling all the shots for yourself. Learn what it is that makes you happy, learn what it is that you *really* want, and don't SETTLE for anything less.

Best of luck on your journey down this new path of your life....

Peace within, peace between, peace among

Ghost

[kimi]

22. Thank you

This has been a difficult day. Politically and otherwise. Your words mean a lot, and I will re-read them over again, I'm sure.

[zanana1]

2. Don't feel selfish about expressing your feelings...

That's what the lounge is here for! My only advice would be; be patient and don't rush into anything because it's been a long time for you. You deserve a relationship where you're the only love interest. I guess that people get a bid jaded after being divorced or after living with somebody for a long time, but inside, the heart still wants what it wants. Hang in there. I'm sure you're worthy of something better.

[kimi]

18. Thanks, zanana1

The instinct I think is to rush back into something, just cause. Fear of loneliness, etc. And part of me, being abused as a kid, feels like I don't deserve a whole lot more than what I get.

Therapy. Methinks I need it.

Thank you for your words.

[Crystal Clarity]

3. It's not selfish at all to feel this way.

I *is* a hard thing to have to go through. A friend of ours is currently going through a divorce after 23 years of marriage. It's been very sad to see how much he's been hurting over this. Especially over the holidays. All we can do is be supportive of him. We frequently invite him over to eat w/us just so he doesn't have to eat alone all of the time.

But that's pretty much all we can do. I don't know anyone his/our age that I can fix him up with because everyone that I know is currently married or in a serious relationship, and I'm not so sure that I'd want to take on a matchmaker role anyway, even if I did know someone.

So yeah, I can definitely see how this would be a difficult thing to go through. I wish I knew what else to say other than the fact that I sympathize w/you. Maybe you'll meet someone here on DU! Or have you thought about trying one of those online dating sites?

But don't feel like you are being a whiner. The great thing about this place is that there are so many people who care and will here for you the best way we know how. Try to be patient. I'm sure you'll eventually find someone who will treat you well. :hug:

[kimi]

19. Thanks, CC

Being told that I'm not being selfish in my whining, it really helps. I think about what regular people go through every day, and my personal problems seem so petty, but in my mind, they are HUGE.

It's all perspective, I guess.

I think it's wonderful that you are giving such great moral support to your friend. In years to come, he will remember this, forever, and pass it on. Good deeds count, and go forward, I believe.

You've delivered one to me. Thank you!

[siligut]

4. Guys and the women who dump them

It isn't about the woman at all, it is about getting dumped. You are better off without him. As we get older, it becomes more difficult to change but it isn't impossible. I agree with Heidi, work toward being comfortable with yourself. Men actually take a lot of energy and time, use that on yourself for a while. Join a group, take a class, enjoy your freedom. :hug:

[seabeyond]

5. i have noticed that

on du, recently. a couple threads about lost love. it seemed like strong majority were men talking about..... geez, decades ago lost love. i was surprised that so many men still hold onto that.

i have always been a bet pragmatic in relationships. it has always been easy for me to let go and move on. so may be that i dont get it anyway.

[siligut]

6. Depth of feeling

The way kimi described the guy, made me feel he was weak, not in love. Being in love, is not a weakness, I am married to a man, who would miss me awful and he is not the least bit weak. Just this guy dating her and then telling her about this other woman, he doesn't deserve her and he probably knows it, so he tries to hurt her before she can hurt him. Someone spreading misery and feeling benefited by it, is someone to run from.

You get it, you just get it different, we are not all the same, you know that. Maybe explain your philosophy to kimi, aid her in moving on. Loss of love is painful to her, even if it was this jerk she was involved with.

[dawg]

8. We just love y'all more than you love us!

:P

[seabeyond]

9. you are probably right

so simple. i would have made it all complex and that about repressed emotions and lack of ability for closure, wink.

[kimi]

20. Getting dumped

I'm just not used to it. Well, being married for so long, it wasn't an issue, really.

Now, it's something I have to get used to, yeah? But it's a blow.

I am gonna take time for myself. I do bellydance, have signed up for a class about an hour's drive away from my home. Good time for reflection and all.

I know, in my head, that I'm better off without him. It's my heart, that's hard to convince. But it'll get done. I won't live my life in the past.

You all are great, have I said that yet? :)

[kimi]

23. self delete

[dawg]

7. I'm the solution to your problem.

Well, not me personally. But someone a lot like me. There are plenty of good men out there who feel the same way as you.

I know for me, it seems like everyone I know is happily married, just like I wanted to be. I don't know how to date in my 40s. Sometimes, I don't even know for sure that I want to. But I don't want to be alone forever, and I don't want the romantic part of my life to be over with this early.

I think I'm at an age (you probably are too) where I feel a sense of urgency. I pretty much look and feel the same as i did when I was 30, but I can do the math and know that it isn't going to last forever. If I'm ever going to replace that wayward wife of mine, I feel like I need to hurry and get the process started while I'm still young and *pretty*. On the other hand, I'm just not ready. Which sucks. Cause for me, waiting is the right thing to do, but I'm impatient dammit!

I'm not saying take him back, but *forgive* your douche of an ex-boyfriend. I would not have treated you that way. But I sympathize with him. He's just another heartbroken damaged idiot, much like myself. He's not ready for a real relationship, and may never be. I'm still legally married, and I think I'm more ready than he is.

I don't know why, but it always makes me feel better to think of the worst case scenario. What if I am "alone" for the rest of my life? It would suck, but there are other things I could fill my life with. I could still have a good and happy life.

Focus on developing your friendships and your relationships with relatives. Develop new hobbies and expand your current ones. Become a more interesting person. Those are the kinds of things I'm trying to do.

I imagine the type of woman I would like to end up with someday, and I try to make myself more and more like the kind of man she would want and deserve.

Most of the things people will tell you will sound like plattitudes at best and bullshit at worst, especially the happily married folks who've never had to face this. Just smile at them. They mean well. (That includes me ;))

Sometimes I feel like I really need a new woman in my life. That is a great sign that I'm *not* ready for one. When, and if, the time is right for me - it won't be because I need a woman or want a woman. It won't be about having a *woman* in my life at all. It'll be about having "Amy" in my life - 'cause there's something special about her. Not just needing a generic "woman". It's only my bruised ego (and sex drive) that wants that.

Rambling enough for ya? Sorry. Just hope I said *something* that might make you feel better.

Anyway, you're not alone.

[kimi]

14. Not rambling at all

Makes a lot of sense. It's something I'll read and re-read, really. Good advice, and I thank you.

It's hard to know how to do this, after all this time. "This" being dating, forming relationships, learning to rely on myself, my judgment, traveling by myself, stuff like that. I actually went out of town for New Year's, wanted to do for myself, and it was enlightening but scary. I can't say that I liked it all that much, either, it just didn't seem "right" not to have someone else to visit places with and see things with. I'll have to adjust to that, though. That's what is so tricky.

Harder and sadder than I thought it would be. But thank you, you make a lot of sense, everyone does and I appreciate it. :)

[hedgehog]

10. I hope things look better to you soon, whatever happens!

[hippywife]

11. You know what I was just thinking yesterday?

When my husband and I first married, and for several years thereafter, my heart was constantly bursting at the sight of him. I never even looked at other men with an eye toward whether they were good looking or not, they might as well have been invisible.

After 13 and a half years of marriage, if anything would happen I don't think I would even want to consider another relationship. Not because I'm still bursting, but because at 52 I would choose to go about enriching my own life without one. I would live alone and revel in doing the things *I* want to do when I want to do them, and go about enjoying learning and experiencing new things.

I would totally focus on what makes ME happy, and no one else.

Why not give it a whirl? I would if I were in your shoes. :hug:

[Kali]

12. take a page from Skittles' book

revel in YOU, enjoy YOUR life - it's really attractive, hell I'm a middle aged married hetero woman and I have a crush on her!

[kimi]

13. Thanks, everyone, really

I was a bit embarrassed to come back to this thread, felt kind of whiny when I posted it this AM. But then this evening I made the mistake of checking this guy's status on Facebook, and it kind of threw me a curveball. He's been in touch with this other chick, even when he was meeting up with me. So I'm glad I came back and read your responses - I needed the comfort. I'm feeling pretty fragile now.

Thanks. I'd respond to each reply but just don't have it in me right now. But I appreciate your thoughts and well-wishes and hugs.

[applegrove]

15. Not selfish at all. I would go out and about and follow your passions. You never know who you'll

meet while doing things you love.

[one_voice]

16. Knowing there are other guys out there...

and you deserve better than that..etc doesn't take away how you feel today. And you have every right to feel the way you do. It's not whining. Take some time being good to yourself, pamper yourself. Enjoy you!

Things have a way of working themselves out. :hug: