At this late hour, in this hospital room, I could use some cheer

[Bertha Venation]

Does anyone have a spare moment to post a joke, an LOLcat, a Win, a Fail, something funny from an obscure site... something to make me smile? My beloved is in a pain-troubled sleep beside me, I have slept 4 hours in 36 and am wide awake... I could use a smile.

I probably won't reply to everyone, but I surely will appreciate your posts. (Won't be able to watch vid with sound, though.)

[MiddleFingerMom]

1. So this doctor wants to jot down a few notes at a patient's bedside...

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...reaches behind his ear but just stares at the rectal thermometer he finds there.
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"Dammit!!", he eventually says, "Some asshole's got my pen."
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(on edit) Almost forgot this. :hug:

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[snooper2]

2. well

If you both REALLY want to have some fun...

Look for a real thermometer with a mercury core...

Get one of those nurses tray tables that roll and don't get in trouble :)

[MrMickeysMom]

3. This may be really stupid, but go for it...

http://www.zwinky.com/dl/index.jhtml?theme=fashion&spu=true&partner=ZJxdm534

If nothing else, maybe it'll bore you to get some much needed sleep.

:hi:

[Prisoner_Number_Six]

4. Ok

Lucy sez Wink Wink

[Bertha Venation]

30. I love this, Six

;)

[elleng]

5. A Chuckle - Worldwide Alert Levels

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist
threats, and have therefore raised their security level from 'Miffed'
to "Peeved". Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to
"Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". The English have not been "A Bit
Cross" since the blitz in 1940, when tea supplies nearly ran out.
Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody
Nuisance". The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance"
warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's
get the Bastards". They don't have any other levels. This is the
reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for
the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its
terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels
in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender". The rise was
precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag
factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly"
to "Elaborate Military Posturing". Two more levels remain:
"Ineffective
Combat Operations" and "Change Sides".

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful
Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs". They also
have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only
threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to
deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new
Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile, and as usual, are carrying out pre-emptive
strikes on all of their allies "just in case".

Canada doesn't have any alert levels.

New Zealand has raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA".
Due to continuing defence cutbacks, New Zealand has only one more
level
of escalation, which is "I hope Australia will come and rescue us".

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries"
to "She'll be alright, mate". Three more escalation levels remain:
"Crikey!", "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and
"The barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use
of the final escalation level.

[tigereye]

20. very funny!

(hope things improve for Mrs. V!)

[redwitch]

6. Dates are yummy. And very versatile.

Sorry, all I have is an autofill.


I am so sorry for her pain and your worry and tiredness. She'll be all better soon. :hug:

[Bertha Venation]

31. your autofill is kindness to me

I too believe she'll be well soon.

[bluesbassman]

7. Mr. Spug

Live Long and Prosper! :)



Get well soon to Mrs. V! :hug:

[kentauros]

8. I don't know if you like Lenny Henry's "Chef!"

but here are a couple of clips from the show :)

Salt

Illegal Cheese


And if you haven't seen this, don't let the title fool you ;)

Unhappy Hipsters




As years passed with no human inhabitants in sight, the Wegner resorted to lewd exhibitions on the deck.


I hope things get better for Mrs. V soon and sending some healing vibes :hug:
(sorry I didn't post to the main thread on that...)

[Duer 157099]

9. Here ya go

(unless you've already read them). And no audio required!

http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2010/02/boyfriend-doesnt-have-ebola-probably.html

http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2010/06/this-is-why-ill-never-be-adult.html

http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2010_11_01_archive.html

[kimi]

10. I hope to goodness that Mrs V

stops hurting and is able to go home soon!!

This is about all I got right now. I think we all know kitties like this!

[Lex]

11. Totally looks like . . .

this kitty totally looks like this owl:

http://totallylookslike.icanhascheezburger.com/2011/01/11/this-kitteh-this-owl

[Lisa0825]

12. kitteh < 3

http://lolcats.com/view/27355

[emilyg]

13. Here you go

emilyg (1000+ posts) Mon Jan-10-11 06:47 PM
Original message
Sexy feelings
He grasped me firmly but gently just above my elbow and guided me into a room, his room. Then he quietly shut the door and we were alone. He approached me soundlessly, from behind, and spoke in a low, reassuring voice close to my ear. "Just relax."

Without warning, he reached down and I felt his strong, calloused hands start at my ankles, gently probing, and moving upward along my calves, slowly but steadily. My breath caught in my throat. I knew I should be afraid, but somehow I didn't care. His touch was so experienced, so sure.

When his hands moved up onto my thighs, I gave a slight shudder, and partly closed my eyes. My pulse was pounding. I felt his knowing fingers caress my abdomen, my ribcage. And then, as he cupped my firm, full breasts in his hands, I inhaled sharply. Probing, searching, knowing what he wanted, he brought his hands to my shoulders, slid them down my tingling spine and into my panties.

Although I knew nothing about this man, I felt oddly trusting and expectant. This is a man, I thought. A man used to taking charge. A man not used to taking `no' for an answer. A man who would tell me what he wanted. A man who would look into my soul and say ...

"Okay, ma'am, all done." My eyes snapped open and he was standing in front of me, smiling, holding out my purse. "You can board your flight now."
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[kimi]

15. Darn

I'm flying to Spain next week. Is this ALL I'm gonna get??

Waah.

[Inchworm]

14. I'm fairly drunk

I lov3e you guys though. Can't fix nuttin but I still can lovce yas

:hug:

[MilesColtrane]

16. The Worst Cat in the World

[kimi]

18. Omigosh!

That is priceless! I'm gonna steal if ya don't mind!

*snort laugh again*

[Bertha Venation]

21. Dammit! GIFs won't play on my Droid!

But thanks, Miles.

[ChoralScholar]

17. This is good for an eyeroll

http://www.dvorak.org/blog/2011/01/11/ludicrous-border-incident-highlights-bureaucratic-us-government/

[SwampG8r]

19. iesus and moses are playing golf

on one hole jesus hits into the water hazard
"wow perfect shot"moses says sarcasticly "you got to take the penalty"
"no way" jesus says back "i can do this, i saw arnold palmer hit a shot just like this on tv"
so jesus walks out on the water and starts to line up the shot
the next group of golfers comes over the hill sees jesus on the water and someone says "look at this guy!he thinks hes jesus!"
moses says
"he is jesus he thinks hes arnold palmer"

[Flaxbee]

22. It's been around a while but it always makes me laugh

:hug: to you and Mrs. V.

[applegrove]

24. That is a great shot.

[sarge43]

23. A question we've all asked

[jody]

25. My offering "Great Jewish Bronx Tale, probably posted before but worth reading if you believe in

humanity."

I served in Vietnam with Powell and he is indeed a rare individual.

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=439x176702

[applegrove]

26. I wonder if they are still together! (joke)

I wonder if they are still together!


A young man called Chris from London wanted to buy a present for
his new girlfriend.

They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Scotland .

Chris consulted with his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note... not too romantic and not too personal.

Off he went with his sister to Harrods and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of sexy knickers for herself at the same time.

Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Chris unknowingly got the knickers.

Good old Chris sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter.


Dear Maggie,

I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove).

These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I hardly noticed any marks.

I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.

Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year.

I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.

All my love,

Chris

P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing.

[auntAgonist]

36. roflmao! This is hilarious. n/t

[Hotler]

27. In one episode of 'Cheers'.

Cliff is seated at the bar describing the Buffalo Theory to his buddy, Norm. I don't think I've heard the concept explained any better than this.
"Well you see, Norm, it's like this......A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

[Pool Hall Ace]

28. Here are a couple of my favorite LOLs

I believe you and Mrs. V are cat people, but who can resist some nose boops?

[Bertha Venation]

32. These are great, and I love noes boops.

We are equal-opportunity animal lovers, but we have too many cats (beloved all) to consider other pets right now. Alas.

Thank you for many smiles. :)

[A-Schwarzenegger]

29. ...

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_topic&forum=105&topic_id=624815

[Bertha Venation]

33. Oscar's tale always brings a smile.

:)

[lunatica]

34. Here

[Skittles]

35. from a lesbian comic

"I get tired of men asking me if a bad sexual experience with a man turned me into a lesbian - if that was true, ALL women would be lesbians." :D