Can we have a truly tasteless dirty joke thread, complete with no appologies?

[NightWatcher]

I've got a good one just screaming to get out.

[cbayer]

1. Probably not.

:rofl:

[rug]

2. I ended up with an older woman at a club last night. She looked okay for a 57-year-old.

We drank a bit, and talked awhile, and she asked if I’d ever had a Double.

"What’s that?" I asked.

"It’s a mother and daughter threesome," she said.

I said, "No."

We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky night.

We went back to her place.

She flipped on the hall light and then shouted upstairs: "Mom, you still awake?"

[May Hamm]

3. ROFLOL!

I was going to say no to the question until I read that.

[MrSlayer]

4. Some jokes for the blind.

[newcriminal]

5. Remember you asked for it!

A really horny man walks into a whorehouse, but only has ten dollars. He walks up to the manager and says "What can I get for ten bucks?"

The manager replies, "The only thing we got at that price is some old bag who's been in the business for 50 years."

The man tells the manager that it will have to do and he is instructed to go into one of the bedrooms. After about five minutes the old lady appears and the guy starts screwin' her.

"Damn! he says you are really dry."

"Hold on," she says and she walks into the bathroom. The old lady comes back out of the bathroom and they start up again.

The guy goes "This is way better, what did you do?"

The old lady replies, "I scratched my scabs."

[derby378]

6. I'm wincing internally

I heard a variation of this joke in high school called "Sandpaper Sally." Still hurts to think about it.

[derby378]

7. Not dirty, but probably tasteless

A few days ago, a 911 dispatcher was nursing her coffee when an incoming call patched through to her headset. "County 911, what is your emergency?"

"Oh, gosh darn it, hi, I'm Sarah Palin, y'know, former Governor of Alaska - Todd, honey? Todd?"

"Please calm down, ma'am," replied the dispatcher. "Where are you calling from?"

"Well, y'know, Todd and I are out here in the woods somewhere, and also, well, we're hunting for a moose or something, too, and Todd clutched his chest and fell to the ground! He's not moving at all! Aw, gee, I think he's dead!"

"Stay calm, Ms. Palin, please listen carefully," the dispatcher said. "Are you sure he's dead? Can you put the cell phone down for me and check to see if he really is dead?"

"All right, doggone it, here goes..."

The dispatcher hears the sound of a cell phone being dropped into snow, then nothing but a soft winter breeze. A single shotgun blast rips through the stillness. A moment later, the dispatcher hears Sarah Palin pick up the phone again.

"Okay, now what?"

:hide:

[TroglodyteScholar]

8. Er, you kinda told it wrong...

It's not funny if the dispatcher says "check to see if he is really dead." That's a really specific description that can't be misinterpreted, even by a dumbass. The joke is in the very slight ambiguity of the dispatcher's wording, e.g. "okay can you go and make sure he's dead?"

Good joke otherwise, of course.

[TheMightyFavog]

9. Three old ladies were sittong on a park bench.

Along came Perverted Paulie, the local flasher. He walked in front of the ladies and opened his overcoat.

Esther promptly had a stroke.

Eunice also had a stroke.

Agnes, however could not, as her arthritis was acting up.

[TheMightyFavog]

10. Two priests are off to the showers late one night. .

They undress and step into the showers before they realize they forgot their soap. Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress.

He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to the showers. He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way. Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall in the dim light and freezes like he's a statue.

The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks. The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood. Startled, he drops a bar of soap "Oh look," says the first nun, "it's a soap dispenser".

To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood.... sure enough he drops the second bar of soap.

Now the third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens. So she gives several more tugs, then yells,

"Holy Mary, Mother of God - Hand Lotion!"

[Skip Intro]

11. Why did the cowboy get a wiener dog?

He wanted to get a long little doggy...

What? Well this is the first time I've been accused of not being dirty enough.

:)

[Skip Intro]

12. dupe...

[krispos42]

13. Who's the most popular guy at the nudist colony?

The one who can carry a pot of coffee in each hand... and a dozen donuts.




Who's the most popular lady at the nudist colony?


The one that can hold a cup of coffee in each hand... and eat the last donut.

[Manifestor_of_Light]

14. What's good about a nudist wedding?

You can always tell who the best man is.


:rofl:

[Manifestor_of_Light]

15. Woman goes to the doctor.

She has heart trouble.

the doctor tells her husband, "Your wife has acute angina."

Hubby says, "Yeah, and she's got a nice face too."


:rofl:

[krispos42]

16. A guy goes to the doctor...

...and the doctor begins asking questions about his health. Eventually, he asks the man about his sex life, to which the man replies "Infrequently".

The doctor, without looking up or missing a beat, asks "Is that one word or two?"

:D

[nolabear]

17. Man walks into a drugstore

walks up to the counter and says "I'd like to buy some condoms."

The woman at the counter says "What size?" and he admits he really doesn't know.

"Well," she says, whip it out and lay it on the counter here and we'll see." Man whips it out and lays it on the counter, she gives it a couple of strokes and says into the PA system, "We need a box of medium condoms on Aisle Three!" Man takes his condoms and goes on his way.

Second man comes in, same thing..."What size?" "I don't really know." "Well, take it out and lay it on the counter and we'll see." She gives it a couple strokes and says into the PA System, "We need a box of large condoms on aisle three!" Man takes his condoms and goes on his way.

Teenaged boy comes up to the counter, says "I'd like to buy some condoms." "What size?" "I don't really know" "Well, take it out and lay on the counter here and we'll...clean-up on Aisle Three!"