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The lies and oblivion. Lack of honesty and trust. I hate the president who sends my brother to war. The lies that we are winning - that it is accomplishing anything at all. How about this… send YOUR brother to war… send your daughters too. See if you believe in the war as I do. Why don’t you and the other leader take 10 paces and draw. The winner will be left standing. If both fall, no loss. I hate the news, the twists. Pull the information into a formationless taffy. Bend it stretch it and flavor it with the spin of the week. I hate the professional athletes in their private jets and their millions of dollars while they pass the starving along the streets. Fuck you too. Bread and circus’s, right? I loved once, maybe twice. Brief glimpses of something you could call hope. Dreams shattered, missions accomplished. And still, I hate. Don’t hurt my brother, nor my family. Don’t hurt those families that will be left with brain damaged, diaper ridden loved ones. Don’t hurt those that come back living - only to wish they were dead. Don’t hurt. People look upon a mentally disabled person with pity. Sometimes with shame, for the things they lack. The comprehension limited. I wonder if they are the lucky ones, and we are the ones to feel sorry for. We know, we all know… twist it, lie. I wonder if oblivion would be better… they don’t know how lucky they are. I do. I love you brother, I love you sister. I love you mom and dad. To the guru who taught me to love myself, and the friends whom I love like family. Be good, be safe, be honest. As I love… I hate…
I hate this life sometimes. I hate being dragged through the mud for the few blissful seconds of sunshine. I hate that decent people in the world are forced to deal with the ugliness of cancer. That the people that have loved and supported them are forced to deal with loss. I hate that for every good thing that comes your way, there are three terrible tragedies. For every smile, there are a hundred tears… For every love there are ten heartbreaks. How many times can a heart break before the glue is forever gone… How long does one hold on? For every hope a thousand failures, for every dream, a thousand deaths. I am not a bad person. Though I stand accused of such. And still you give me a chance for redemption. To leave him alone. To be the bigger person and walk away. We are all given choices. We chose. So leave… How many times can you say good bye before it stops hurting? This year is beginning bleak. On call for Christmas… for my birthday. I have NEVER worked my birthday… ever. It's the one day of the year you have absolute permission to take for yourself. But, a compromise. So… suck it up. And Christmas. I’ve only been on call one Christmas. It’s just a made up day of importance. There are a thousand other days I’m on call that don’t matter or affect me nearly as much. I remember that Christmas… feeling so forgotten and unloved and so alone. It wasn’t just a day, it was a day to spend with family and they were hundreds of miles away. I can’t wait for another day just like that. Merry Christmas. I hate being forced to wake up everyday. Just waking up. Facing anther one. Get through it. And yet I realize life is more about those around you, so my daily presence is a gift to those I love. So here I am, still present. Don’t forsake this gift, as I do. I hate…. Those with a heart of gold are run over. Those who are trusting are lied to… amongst so much ugliness, where is the rainbow? Why merely survive for such miniscule moments. Moments that stop time, take your break away… only to disappear forever gone. Don’t forget to wave good bye! Hearts so full they spill out onto the dirt… making mud. Drag me through the fucking mud. I hate this.
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