What's your favorite article from the Onion?

[BlueIris]

I like these:

http://www.theonion.com/articles/dolphins-evolve-opposable-thumbs,284/

http://www.theonion.com/articles/hijackers-surprised-to-find-selves-in-hell,1445/

http://www.theonion.com/articles/kitchenfloor-conflict-intensifies-as-rival-house-c,2384/

[Ptah]

1. Bush: 'Our Long National Nightmare Of Peace And Prosperity Is Finally Over'

January 17, 2001

http://www.theonion.com/articles/bush-our-long-national-nightmare-of-peace-and-pros,464/


My fellow Americans," Bush said, "at long last, we have reached the end
of the dark period in American history that will come to be known as the
Clinton Era, eight long years characterized by unprecedented economic expansion,
a sharp decrease in crime, and sustained peace overseas.
The time has come to put all of that behind us."

Bush swore to do "everything in power" to undo the damage wrought
by Clinton's two terms in office, including selling off the national parks
to developers, going into massive debt to develop expensive and impractical
weapons technologies, and passing sweeping budget cuts that drive the
mentally ill out of hospitals and onto the street.

[Bucky]

9. I got chills when I read that 10 years ago. I thought, "Naw, surely it won't be *that* bad"

It's barely comedy.

[rurallib]

22. I go back and read that one about once a year.

eerie.

[csziggy]

26. Absolutely - because it was so obviously prescient n/t

[HopeHoops]

2. "HOLY FUCKING SHIT!" - the 9/11 response.

My second favorite is "Reagan Urges Just Say No To Dogs" - it begins with "My yellow Americans..."

[BlueIris]

3. Yes, my beloved "Hijackers Surprised to Find Selves In Hell" article was in there. nt

[av8rdave]

4. Some of my favs

In response to the first dolphin story:

http://www.theonion.com/articles/study-dolphins-not-so-intelligent-on-land,1896/

Another classic:

http://www.onionsportsnetwork.com/articles/nfl-discontinues-take-your-daughter-to-work-day,9670/

And of course, one of their greatest ever videos:

http://www.theonion.com/video/sony-releases-new-stupid-piece-of-shit-that-doesnt,14309/

[BlueIris]

6. Cute.

I like mine better.

[marmar]

5. My fave:

http://www.theonion.com/articles/evangelical-scientists-refute-gravity-with-new-int,1778/


Evangelical Scientists Refute Gravity With New 'Intelligent Falling' Theory
August 17, 2005 | ISSUE 41•33


KANSAS CITY, KS—As the debate over the teaching of evolution in public schools continues, a new controversy over the science curriculum arose Monday in this embattled Midwestern state. Scientists from the Evangelical Center For Faith-Based Reasoning are now asserting that the long-held "theory of gravity" is flawed, and they have responded to it with a new theory of Intelligent Falling. ............

[Bunny]

7. Someone posted this a few weeks ago, and I'm still cracking up over it:

http://www.theonion.com/articles/virgin-mary-statue-crying-for-no-good-reason,18708/

Virgin Mary Statue Crying For No Good ReasonJanuary 3, 2011 | ISSUE 47•01

WORCESTER, MA—Nearly a week after a statue of the Virgin Mary began shedding what appeared to be actual tears, worshippers at St. Alphonsus Catholic Church told reporters Wednesday they had lost patience with the figure's nonstop whining and carrying on.

"Like everyone else, I got sucked in at first," said the Rev. Paul Doherty, the pastor of the church, who admitted he had once kissed the tears streaming from the eyes of the 5-foot wooden altarpiece. "But now it's just too much—crying in the morning when I come in, crying during baptisms, crying, crying, crying all the time. I've called around to other parishes, and all of their Marys are doing fine, even the cheap plaster ones that have to stand outside in the wind and rain. There must be thousands of Marys in the Greater Boston area, but ours is the only one who can't hold it together."

"To think I actually thought it was a miracle," added Doherty, looking up at the statue's glistening, tear-slicked face. "The real miracle would be if Old Faithful over here would turn off the waterworks for five seconds."

Longtime church organist Agnes Wright told reporters that the weeping statue had become a distraction and that she now privately hoped someone would lay a drape over the self- indulgent figure or at least turn it so it was facing the wall.

:rofl:

[Richardo]

8. The headlines are enough to make me laugh out loud...

The stories are gravy...

[EnviroBat]

10. This is the one that almost killed me the other day...

http://www.theonion.com/video/apple-introduces-revolutionary-new-laptop-with-no,14299/

[EnviroBat]

11. What really blows my mind is the tech stories.

They produce all of these props which in themselves are really believable, like product packaging and signs. The effort they go through to produce one of these segments is astounding.

[LNM]

12. Not necessarily my favorite, but they nailed it with this one.

Posted before the I35W bridge collapse.

http://www.theonion.com/articles/state-of-minnesota-too-polite-to-ask-for-federal-f,1295/

[WilliamPitt]

13. ACLU Defends Nazi Skinhead's Right To Burn Down ACLU Headquarters

Buchanan to Gays: I Will Not Incinerate You

Thousands of Stoners Accidentally Attend Kemp Rally

[bif]

14. Clinton to introduce vowels to Bosnia

Was one of my favorite headlines. Usually, the articles weren't as good as the headlines.

[bif]

15. Area bass player fellated

Was another fave

[Courtesy Flush]

16. CIA realizes it's been using black highlighters for years. nt

[MrCoffee]

17. All time favorite: National Funk Congress Deadlocked On Get Up/Get Down Issue

http://www.theonion.com/articles/national-funk-congress-deadlocked-on-get-upget-dow,625/

CHOCOLATE CITY—After months of ceaseless debate, including last week's record 76-hour filibuster slap-bass solo from Senate Rubber Band Minority Leader Bootsy Collins (D-OH), the National Funk Congress is no closer to resolving its deadlock over the controversial "get up/get down" issue, insiders reported Monday.

[BlueIris]

29. Hee. nt

[guitar man]

18. My favorites

I love this one, it's where I got my avatar pic  

Last Remaining Politician Must Rebuild Entire Government Following Bloodiest Midterm Election In American History


http://www.theonion.com/articles/last-remaining-politician-must-rebuild-entire-gove,18384/?mobile=false

And this one is just so true to life, I've witnessed it many times over the years

Bar Patrons Dismayed By Sight Of Band Setting Up

http://www.theonion.com/articles/bar-patrons-dismayed-by-sight-of-band-setting-up,17804/

:rofl:

[deutsey]

19. Anything by Herbert Kornfeld

This is one of my all-time favorites:
http://www.theonion.com/articles/why-do-all-these-homosexuals-keep-sucking-my-cock,10861/

[jobycom]

20. The tech report on Apple's keyboardless Macbook

http://www.theonion.com/video/apple-introduces-revolutionary-new-laptop-with-no,14299/

The background detail is as brilliant as the story. "The ardvark asked for a dagger." :rofl:

[kedrys]

21. These two come to mind

http://www.theonion.com/articles/aging-pope-just-blessing-everything-in-sight-say-c,1585/

http://www.theonion.com/articles/stoner-regales-friends-with-tale-of-this-one-bong,1612/

[kath]

39. OMG, that Pope one is hilarious!

[Mojambo]

23. That dolphin one is by far my favorite. n/t

[burrfoot]

24. I'm partial to this one....

...but that's cause I'm third from the left in the picture!! :)

This was almost a decade ago.....



<http://www.theonion.com/articles/new-study-finds-college-binge-drinking-to-be-a-bla,763/>


:toast:

[Richard Steele]

25. "Affable Bigot Thinks Jews Are Doing A Fine Job Controlling the Media"

I don't have a link, I just remember the headline;
it struck me as 'funny' because I know some people
who actually think that way.
The article that followed it contained lines
that could have come from personal interviews with
the family I grew up with.

My second favorite was:
"Local Teenager is the Only Gay Person in the World".
The article that followed that headline pretended
to be talking about a gay teenager, but it
was actually talking about everyone
who has ever been a teenager anywhere, at any time, EVER.
BRILLIANT piece.

"He knows that he is the only person who has EVER felt this way"....
Just fucking INSIGHTFUL.

[krispos42]

27. HOLY SHIT MAN WALKS ON FUCKING MOON

Okay, it's from the book. It's still my favorite!

[krispos42]

28. goddamn hiccups...

[XemaSab]

30. Apparently they do a fine job documenting stoner culture

Stoner Uncle All The Kids' Favorite

Stoner Mike "Gonzo" Dornheim, 37, a freelance carpenter and part-time drummer, is the favorite uncle of his six nephews and nieces, family sources revealed Monday.

Despite being the object of unspoken resentment from his siblings, who see him as the family's "black sheep," the habitual marijuana user has nevertheless cornered the market on nephew/niece affection.

"Uncle Gonzo isn't like my other uncles, who just talk about work all the time and won't let us make noise in the house," said Brad Dornheim, 8, who, like his siblings and cousins, is unaware of his uncle's marijuana use. "He makes us these awesome banana smoothies. And he has the coolest backyard, with these robot bird sculptures he made out of scrap metal. He even gave me one, but Mom said it has to stay in the garage. I want to be just like him when I grow up. Uncle Gonz rules!"

http://www.theonion.com/articles/stoner-uncle-all-the-kids-favorite,1402/

--------------

This article gets better and better as it goes on. :D

(And I must be baked, 'cause I forgot the link.)

[XemaSab]

31. Also ranking on the amusement scale:

Area Applebee's A Hotbed Of Machiavellian Political Maneuvering

http://www.theonion.com/articles/area-applebees-a-hotbed-of-machiavellian-political,331/


and who could forget:


Bush Regales Dinner Guests With Impromptu Oratory On Virgil's Minor Works

http://www.theonion.com/articles/bush-regales-dinner-guests-with-impromptu-oratory,1355/

[kath]

37. The "Bush Regales Dinner Guests With Impromptu Oratory On Virgil's Minor Works" one is one of

my favorites, too. You beat me to it! A classic.

[AngryAmish]

32. "Why Won't These Homosexuals Stop Sucking My Cock?"

[lovemydog]

33. T-Ball Stand Pitches Perfect Game at Special Olympics

[marigold20]

34. from 1997 "Chrysler Halts Production of Neckbelts"

http://www.theonion.com/articles/chrysler-halts-production-of-neckbelts,810/

[Orrex]

35. One of many that, in retrospect, were clearly ahead of their time:

http://www.theonion.com/articles/state-department-to-hold-enemy-tryouts-next-week,497/

[vanlassie]

36. Second Hour In Fabric Store Nearly Kills Eight-Year-Old

[kath]

38. This one hits a bit too close to home,

but it's a good one:
Bill Of Rights Pared Down To A Manageable Six http://www.theonion.com/articles/bill-of-rights-pared-down-to-a-manageable-six,15/

Excerpt:

Attorney General John Ashcroft hailed the slimmed-down Bill of Rights as "a positive step."

"Go up to the average citizen and ask them what's in the Bill of Rights," Ashcroft said. "Chances are, they'll have only a vague notion. They just know it's a set of rules put in place to protect their individual freedoms from government intrusion, and they assume that's a good thing."

Ashcroft responded sharply to critics who charge that the Bill of Rights no longer safeguards certain basic, inalienable rights. "We're not taking away personal rights; we're increasing personal security," Ashcroft said. "By allowing for greater government control over the particulars of individual liberties, the Bill of Rights will now offer expanded personal freedoms whenever they are deemed appropriate and unobtrusive to the activities necessary to effective operation of the federal government."

{snip}
"Any machine, no matter how well-built, periodically needs a tune-up to keep it in good working order," Bush said. "Now that we have the bugs worked out of the ol' Constitution, she'll be purring like a kitten when Congress reconvenes in January—just in time to work on a new round of counterterrorism legislation."