September 3, 2007 I was reborn...

[From The Ashes]

...I stepped off of a Greyhound bus, and into a new life.

On that day, I had 2 suitcases filled with all the things that were important to me: a small collection of dvds, clothes, a couple of books and most importantly my computer: broken down to it's components and bubble wrapped. To avoid damage, I then wrapped them into my clothes. At just a hair over 49 pounds each, those suitcases were the end result of a seemingly endless game of 'Lifeboat'; what to keep, what to leave.

Those first few months! I cried myself to sleep more times than I'd like to admit. But slowly, ever so slowly, I began to rediscover myself. I won't bore you with the details, just suffice it to say that I am still evolving. I am much more comfortable with myself and I cherish the independent streak I've discovered.

I've discovered a side effect of all the changes I've been through: emotionally speaking, I've brought HIM with me. I hear him telling me I'm stupid and fat, that nobody really likes me at work; that I'm worthless. Apparently the abuse is complete; I'm now doing it to myself. Perhaps I'm not as evolved as I'd like to think.

So here I am four years on. Stressed out but a bit happier than I've ever been. What a combo!

I just wish I had a close friend.

[alphafemale]

1. I did something similar.

It will be 3 years next March. My suitcase was the backseat and trunk of a mid-sized car though. (And I took the car back!!!)

I have had so far nearly 3 years in my life of happiness.

Lot's of people don't get that. Happiness ROCKS!!!

I will never regret starting to live for ME!!

[From The Ashes]

6. Thanks...

...living for yourself kicks ass doesn't it? :hug:

[Tuesday Afternoon]

2. Keep fighting that voice.

You are not stupid.

You should post here more. I miss you. :hug:

[From The Ashes]

7. Thanks...

I fight that voice every day. It ain't easy.

[Tuesday Afternoon]

12. I have a voice that I have to fight, too. I know how hard it can be.

Posting here helps me. Maybe it will help you, too. Reading about other people's problems and I realize that I am not alone.

How is that grandbaby?

Feel better and keep telling that voice to Shut Up!

:hug:

[From The Ashes]

16. He's awesome!

[Tuesday Afternoon]

17. he looks just like you and you

are awesome, too :D

gawd, he is a cutie!:loveya:

and he is getting so big :o

[fizzgig]

18. happy little guy!

:loveya:

[fizzgig]

3. it's good to hear from you

i'm sorry you're still dealing with the effects of the abuse, it must be difficult to deal with. use positive self-talk to get yourself through those times and remind yourself that you ARE NOT worthless.

:hug:

[From The Ashes]

8. It's good to hear from you too!

it's a working in progress; some days are better than others. :hug:

[fizzgig]

14. i think we're all a work in progress

it might be worth looking into counseling to help navigate this. :hug:

i'm with ta, how's that grandbaby?

[Demonaut]

4. evolving is a great thing, even small changes create the larger tapestry of your life

keep it up, don't worry too much about a close friend...good karma will bring one when you're not expecting

[From The Ashes]

9. Thanks...

:hug:

[Kali]

5. Sounds like you are courageous and capable to me.

Tell tje "voice" to fuck off. Confidence is beautiful.

[From The Ashes]

10. Thanks Kali...

...some days are easier than others. :hug:

[Tobin S.]

11. Change and progress can be extremely difficult

Many people fall flat on their faces attempting to make a change in life. The best thing to do when that happens is to get right back up and keep fighting. But that doesn't sound like what has happened to you. You seem to be standing strong and moving forward. Your strength will likely be tested; maybe it is right now. Just keep going and you'll get to where you want to be. If we aren't evolving then we will never realize our potential.

Alright, there's my motivational speaker bit. What do you think? :) Here's my psychologist bit. If you've been in an abusive relationship in the past it may take counseling to get beyond the emotional distress. If you choose to go that route, keep in mind that that is still moving forward. It's still progress. Everyone needs a hand with something at some point.

[From The Ashes]

13. Thanks for the insight Tobin.

I'm probably going to go the psychologist route. It's starting to affect my work.

[Gormy Cuss]

21. I agree with Tobin.

Your ex's opinion of you is utterly worthless and maybe it's time you found the tools to silence the echoes of his bullshit that are still rattling around in your brain. You aren't stupid. You're a marvelous mother and grandmother and a smart and kind woman who found the courage to break free from his constant putdowns.

Oh yeah, and :hug: to my favorite hugmeister.

[From The Ashes]

27. Hey Gormy!

Thanks for weighing in. Some days I buy into the BS and other days it's 'F THAT!' and do what I gotta do. I just wish I can finally put it all behind me. I think its time to see if my medical covers mental health services...

:hug: from the hugmeister!

[alphafemale]

15. If you are just coming out of an abusive relationship be VERY VERY cautious about your next one.

Predators can sniff one out like you as if you were candy dipped in momma's milk.

Vulnerability lures the wrong kind. You want to find your true self and get that scent of the "VICTIM HERE!!! RIGHT HERE!" ell off of you.

[From The Ashes]

19. thanks for the advice...

...not looking for any kind of relationship right now; maybe not ever. I can't chance it.

[Odin2005]

20. Error: You can't recommend threads from this forum

[From The Ashes]

23. Thanks Odin2005

:hi:

[cwydro]

22. Hey!

You got all of us on DU!

Good for you by the way!

[From The Ashes]

24. Thanks...

I sometimes forget that. :hug:

[distantearlywarning]

25. Been there, done that. February, 2000.

Me, two cats, and a small pile of boxes in a little ghetto apartment in a city where I knew almost no one. A couple hundred dollars in my bank account. A raw, scoured soul. Terror and grief.

It took me half a decade to find a semblance of normality. I'm still not completely past it - the tenth anniversary of 9/11 this week is really stirring up some bad PTSD from that time in my life. I still hear my abuser's voice in my head 10 years later, telling me what a worthless person I am, and sometimes I still believe it despite everything I've accomplished since then. It was the worst thing that ever happened to me, and it changed me as a person in a fundamental way. But it has also pushed me to find a lot of success in my life. And I'm a lot more motivated these days to seek and take happiness where I can find it - I travel a lot, and look for life experiences everywhere, because you never know what might happen to you. Life is too short and too mean to put off going to Paris or seeing your favorite band in concert (or whatever). I used to put that stuff off, but not anymore.

Anyway, here's to reclaiming one's self and one's life: :toast: :hug:

[From The Ashes]

26. You give me hope...

:hug: thanks.