Yet Another Modest Proposal

[Lionel Mandrake]

Rising costs of government-run emergency services have reached a critical level in many communities. I hereby submit a modest cost-saving proposal to privatize 9-1-1 telephone answering services. Callers who have joined the premium 9-1-1 club will get immediate service in any emergency, while those who have not joined the club will be routed to an elaborate voice-mail service, which will allow them to sign up on the spot and thereby gain access to the premium service for their emergency. I anticipate that the majority of those callers who have not yet joined and who have good credit will opt to join the premium 9-1-1 club on the spot. Marketing costs will thereby be kept to a minimum, and the business will grow at a predictable rate, which depends mostly on the call volume.

Those who call 9-1-1 will receive the following message:

"You have reached PremEmergiCorp, your premium emergency routing system. If you are a member of our premium club, please enter your club membership number now, using the touch tone keypad on your telephone. Otherwise, wait for further instructions."

Those with a valid premium club membership number will then have their call answered by an operator, who will ascertain the nature of the emergency and route the call to the appropriate fire, police, medical, or other agency.

Those whose membership has expired will be prompted to authorize a charge to the credit card or bank account of record; if this transaction is successful, then their club membership will be reinstated, and their call will be answered by an operator,

Those who have not yet joined the club will receive the following message:

"Please stay on the line. Your call will be answered in the order it was received. Your emergency is important to us. Do not hang up, or you will lose your place in line. All of our operators are busy serving other callers. Due to extremely high call volume, there may be a significant delay before your call is answered.

"While you are waiting, we'd like to take this opportunity to tell you about our premium 9-1-1 club. Club members enjoy immediate access to an operator in case of an emergency. If you would like to know more about the premium 9-1-1 club, press 1 now."

Those who press 1 will be given the opportunity to sign up immediately, as mentioned earlier. After they have entered their credit card number and agreed to the monthly payments, their call will be answered immediately by an operator, as described above.

Those who do not press 1 will receive a reminder not to hang up, but stay on the line, etc. Their call will be answered eventually if an operator is free.

I expect that this new business will be extremely profitable, and that it will be well received by conservative leaders at local, state, and federal levels. Members of the "TEA Party" should be especially enthusiastic about this new shift from government to private enterprise.

[rurallib]

1. Error: You can't recommend threads from this forum

some of the greatest ideas come from the lounge.

[Lionel Mandrake]

2. Thank you

for praising my ideas and wishing you could recommend this thread. :)

[siligut]

3. Going to have to pay for the firetruck, ambulance or police too

If you have to shell out for a 911 call, better bet that whoever comes to your aid isn't going to help without the assurance they will be paid. The 911 operator will probably check your credit as you scream into the phone that you have an intruder or that your house is going up in flames. Otherwise, your triage plan looks quite viable.

[Lionel Mandrake]

4. Good point.

The very fact that the customer has paid for the 9-1-1 call will make the privatized fire, ambulance, or police more likely to respond, knowing that they are dealing with a solid citizen who probably has deep enough pockets to pay the necessary fees.

An added benefit of privatized emergency service will be that the poor and the unemployed will either move somewhere else or die, thereby relieving affluent people from an unnecessary expense.

If enough good ideas like yours are generated in this thread, we may be able to contribute a plank to the 2012 Republican platform.