I am considering breaking up with my boyfriend.

[alarimer]

Largely because of his mother. She lives with him and I can't stand her. They live 120 miles from me and he visits me on most weekends. She is passive-aggressive and emotionally manipulative. She puts on a helpless little old lady act so he has to drop everything and go rescue her. Plus I absolutely do not want her ever living with us, if we ever live together again. That is simply not how I wish to live my life. Maybe it is wrong of me but how can I live with someone I cannot stand? And I KNOW it would make my absolutely miserable. The prospect of it fills me with dread and makes me want to break up with him so I don't have to deal with it. He probably deserves much better than me.

Making matters worse is that I pretty much a social phobic. I avoid socializing most of the time. He pressured me for a while to call his mom and do stuff with her. I might do that if she still lived here, if only as a gesture, not because I really want to. It is something that fills me with such dread I cannot even explain. Any sort of socializing with his family (and sometimes even mine, who fortunately live thousands of mile away) scares the hell out of me.

[Duer 157099]

1. Well but here is something to consider

It's pretty axiomatic that how a man treats his mother is a good indication of how he will treat most other women in his life, such as a wife/girlfriend.

So, it's actually a pretty good thing that he treats his mother well, notwithstanding your issues with her.

FWIW.

[Angry Dragon]

2. Does he make your life better??

On balance are you better with him in your life..........

[JCMach1]

3. Exactly, as it seems there are some social anxiety issues as well...

Does he make you happy? Or, are you constantly counting the costs of continuing with the relationship?

[alarimer]

15. Most of the time I wonder why this doesn't feel like I thought it was supposed to.

It's almost like I would rather be lonely. I certainly would rather be free of unwanted social obligations.

[seabeyond]

4. me, 17 yrs with my MIL. two, three times a yr. i suck it up. another reunion in a month and i

do all my ranting and raving to those i trust, like nieces and friends. not to hubby. he knows exactly what the issues are with his mother and he loves her anyway. i wouldnt want it any other way. but damn, the woman is ultimate in control freak.

i wouldnt break up with the man because of it. i would say, can't live with her, if yawl hook up together, in the same town.

man, i have to spend a week with his whole family in NO during thanksgiving.

prayers? teasing.... lol.

[Bake]

5. Not to be "indelicate," but will she die soon?

Because, you know, that might make a difference ... just sayin'.

:hi:

Bake

[Chan790]

6. Thank Jove you said it before I did. n/t

[alarimer]

11. I kind of doubt it.

Probably one of those people who will live forever, like my grandmother. Not something I would choose for myself- to get to the point where you are completely dependent and, yes, a burden, on others. Personally I am checking out when I am good and done.

Who knows? I don't wish her ill.

[Bake]

13. Bummer.

Gawd, that sounds awful, doesn't it?

But it's always the nasty ones that live to a ripe old age!

:hi:

Bake

[GermanDem]

7. A man living with his mother-big red flag!

That alone would be a deal breaker for me. It's not healthy, and not normal. Trust your gut on this. Your intuition is telling you the right thing to do!

[alarimer]

12. Well this is a recent development.

I don't think either of them is really happy, to be honest. I may have jumped the gun by worrying about it. It is likely that she will want to move back home where her friends and other family. I am planning to move out of state and my boyfriend says he will join me eventually. So I am banking on the fact that she may not want to come along, especially if it is far away.

But yes, if I was recently dating someone who lived with their parents, I would be wary of starting a relationship.

[whistler162]

14. Yup.... he should put her out on the next ice flow......

:sarcasm:

[formercia]

8. Like it or not, you marry the family

Act accordingly.

[Shagbark Hickory]

9. If you are so much as considering it, this r-ship is probably destined to fail.

[Colonel Schwartz]

10. Move on

If you don't see yourself better with this man, move on. If
you are better and you love him, remember, you marry the
family as well as him.

[JVS]

16. You say you're social phobic. Does this mean you expect him to cut ties with his family and be...

with you?

[Bake]

17. Cut ties, or cut the umbilical cord?

There IS a difference! Sounds like he needs to cut the cord.

:hi:

Bake

[lunatica]

18. My experience says RUN LIKE HELL!!

It will get worse. Trust your instincts on this.

He may even want you to rescue him from her by having you take over all interaction with her. Don't buy it. Even if this were what he's doing it will never work. He's the only one who can get her claws out of him.

I speak from painful experience. You will lose whether you choose to do battle or not. Then you'll be left with having to pick up the pieces knowing you just wasted your time and energy just to get wounded.

[JoeyT]

19. I can't give you any useful advice,

but I can offer sympathy.

It's not wrong of you to not want to live with someone you can't stand, or to not to do stuff with people you don't want to be around.

[RedCloud]

20. Make them chose: Who do you want? Your mom or your son?

Then when they reach a draw, have a neutral arbiter from Samurai Court make the last "cut".

[dawg]

21. I have a new policy for giving advice on such matters.

I officially advise all women between the ages of 35 and 50 to break-up with their boyfriends. That way, when I'm ready to date again, more women will be available and the odds will be better.

So, if you are within the stated age range, then by all means break up with him. :P