My son attempted suicide this morning

[kimi]

I haven't been around much lately - lots of other stuff going on, and I've checked in but haven't posted. But now something has happened, and I think and believe that enough folks here know about how to deal with this sort of thing -- well, I guess I need to yack.

A couple of weekends ago, my son's 21-year-old cousin, who was also his best friend, was killed in an automobile accident - along with another of his friends, a 19-year-old woman who'd been married the month before. 3 other people were in the car, and the crash report was that the 2 who died, who weren't wearing seatbelts, were flung from the car after it rolled 5 times and hit a tree on the other side of the interstate. The 3 who lived, including the woman's husband, were wearing seatbelts. Lesson learned there. The university that all 5 and my son attended set up grief counseling, and had a long and emotional memorial service, then the individual funerals were held, all of which my boy attended. (The 2 who died were fairly local folks.) On the way home from the visitation for his cousin, my son told me that he had called the boy (who was the driver) on his cellphone, because they were going to hang out at the college (which was within a couple miles of the crash site), and his cousin told him "I'll be there in a few minutes, bro." Around that time, it appears that the driver attempted to swerve to avoid an animal in the road (raccoon or deer), lost control, and the vehicle started rolling.

I don't know all the details yet, because I haven't seen my son, but my sister-in-law has seen him and said I shouldn't drive there tonight - he's not coherent but he's out of danger. This morning he took a lot of pills - no one seems to know what kind exactly, but Zoloft and Adderall are thought to be involved, in big quantities. He's in cardiac intensive care, and he'll pull through.

I suspect that he feels major guilt, for having made a cellphone call that might have contributed to the accident. Also, he's been grieving the loss of 2 friends. When I last saw him, after the visitation, he told me that he'd be okay, he'd talk to the counselors, and he has lots of friends who are grieving along with him. I should have checked up on him, I should have KNOWN.

I don't know how to process this. I'm not asking for medical advice, I just hope that someone can tell me - how do I talk to him, how do I help him, what happens after a suicide attempt in a family? I think he needs to be admitted to the psychiatric unit - which I know my ex and his family are already discouraging - but I have medical power of attorney because my ex is in Afghanistan. I've talked to 2 of his 4 older brothers - 1 is angry and the other shocked. I need to help guide them through this, too - it's a family-wide event.

I'm just confused. I'll talk with docs and social workers tomorrow, but I've always appreciated the support that DU has provided me in difficult emotional times in the past.

[snagglepuss]

1. I'm so sorry. What a difficult thing to deal with however its so good he is

alive. My thoughts are with you, your son and your family.

[LoveMyCali]

2. How awful, I'm so sorry

I really don't know what I would do in your situation but I think it might be best to tell him what you told us, you don't know what to say but you want to help him, that you are there for him and you love him.

Good luck, I hope things get better soon.

[fizzgig]

3. don't should on yourself

and please make sure that you get the help you need, too.

peace to your son, you and your family :hug:

[Suich]

4. I'm so sorry, kimi.

You both could use some help...maybe the hospital where he is can help you out.

I'll keep you all in my thoughts and prayers.

Please take care.

[easttexaslefty]

5. I'm sorry this happening. I know you must be very frightened.

As an attempt survivor: there's a chance your som didn't want you to know he was depressed. If you knew, you would try to stop him. Try to be as supportive as possible by realizing this has nothing to do with you & everything to do with the amount of pain he is in. The good thing is that he survived! Medication & therapy have helped me regain my footing. Enough anyway to resist my urges.
I lost my son to suicide in 07, which led to my major depression. I'm happy your baby is okay. My heart to yours. <3

[redwitch]

10. I am so sorry about your son.

A good friend lost her son to suicide 2 years ago, the pain is unimaginable. :hug:

[lillypaddle]

6. OMG, I can only imagine

how scared and upset you are. Wish I had some solid advice for you, other than just be there with him, and for him. Love him like there's no tomorrow. Continued counseling for him is a good idea, I would think. Damn. I'm so sorry.

[Maraya1969]

7. I am truly sorry for what you and your son are going through.

Thank God he was unsuccessful. I wish I know magic words that could make it all go away but I don't. I do know that when someone very close to me died I went to a therapy group and it was tremendously helpful.

Hope you don't mind but I did a GOOGLE search about this. Here is the page I came up with. Lots of information

https://www.google.com/search?q=how+to+talk+to+someone+who+has+tried+suicide&ie=utf-8&oe=utf-8&aq=t&rls=org.mozilla:en-US:official&client=firefox-a

[hedgehog]

8. You'll all be in my prayers this morning.

No advice, just my best hopes!

[rurallib]

9. I have little to add but to hope for the best and stay strong

the community here really cares what happens.
Our best

[redwitch]

11. I am glad he was not successful.

No advice here, just wanted to show support. I wish him healing and everyone strength. :hug:

[TorchTheWitch]

12. Oh no! I'm so very sorry!

Thank heaven his attempt didn't work! Please get the help your son needs as well as the help that you and other family members are also needing.

:hug:

[Tuesday Afternoon]

13. there is no shame in getting your family all the help they need to process their

grief over this tragedy. Do what you think is best for your son and follow the advice of the doctors. If they think he needs to be admitting for some short term intensive therapy then, by all means, do it. He will be safe and you can find some peace of mind in that.

Not advice but, what I would do.

Peace.

:hug:

[polly7]

14. I'm so sorry kimi.

Best wishes towards your son's healing. What a terrible time for him, and all of you.

[TuxedoKat]

15. So sorry

this happened. I remember you posted about the accident when it happened, I think? Anyway, your son is not thinking too clearly right now and needs you to do it for him. I think if you talk to the counselors and experts who have experience with this you will know what to do and have the strength to do it. Stay strong. (((HUGS)))

[NewJeffCT]

16. I'm so sorry to hear this

I hope your son gets better soon. You & your family have my sympathy.

[progressoid]

17. ...

We're here for you in these trying times :grouphug:

[raccoon]

18. Hope he gets some good counseling. You'll be in my thoughts. nt

[elleng]

19. Awful.

He should seek counseling, serious, 'long-term,' maybe, and so should you.

:grouphug:

[riderinthestorm]

20. Oh my god, I am so so, sorry to hear this. Just heart breaking.

I have no advice and no experience with this. I guess though if this were my child, I'd want them to head into the psych unit too but you definitely need to get the expert's advice.

What would I do when I first saw him though? I know for me, I'd just hold him and cry with him. I'm not sure you have to have the "right words" to say first thing. I know I wouldn't know what to say until I had a chance to hold my child and just feel their solidity and warmth. I'm guessing your compassion, love and strength will shine through in those silent moments, maybe more than words at first.

He's been so brave and strong and stoic for two weeks, how could you have known? You cannot beat yourself up about this!

Have you ever read the book "Folly" by Laurie King? Not sure if it's appropriate at this very moment but it's a very powerful story told from the perspective of a suicide survivor (the main character also loses 2 people she's very close to in an automobile accident). It felt very real to me and maybe would give you some insight?

Please know that you are not alone here. There's a whole virtual world of DU online but in reality you do know that a pm to any of us would find one of us at your door. I hope you have some folks in your world who can keep you healthy and whole during this stressful time.

Peace and hugs :hug:

[GoCubsGo]

21. I'm sorry. I have no idea what to say here.

I have never been through anything like this. All I have to offer is a hug.

I hope somebody is able to convince your son that this was not his fault, if that what he was thinking. It was impossible for him to know that his cousin was driving when he called. And, it was his cousin's decision to answer and talk on the cell phone while he was driving. Losing one's friend is difficult enough, without feeling guilty over something someone else did.

[mvd]

22. Sorry to hear this

Hope he will be ok and my sympathies go out to you. :hug:

[Skittles]

23. kimi

it would seem your son is an exceedingly kind and decent person who is not able to handle the grief and guilt he feels - he needs immediate intensive therapy.

[Kali]

24. oh god, Kimi

hold him, do what feels right - see what the docs say - if they seem competent, take their advice.

take care of you too, you are doing "what ifs" on yourself like he is. none of it is your fault you can't control accidents or people.

:hug:

[Phentex]

25. I'm sorry...

counseling is the best start. Just being there for him will be huge.

Hugs!

:hug:

[Amerigo Vespucci]

26. I am so sorry to hear this, kimi...

While the University is to be commended for providing the grief counseling and memorial service, but a couple of thoughts on that...

...first, grief counseling immediately following a loss is often weighted toward eliminating the possibility of the person receiving the counseling harming themselves, or others. In reality, every person handles grief differently, and the timetable for the manifestation of the worst, most intense pain can't be established. Anyone who receives this kind of counseling needs follow-up sessions.

Also, while a memorial service (in the ideal sense) provides relief and closure for some, for others it only deepens the acknowledgment of loss.

When I had my tonsils out, the surgeon handed me a fact sheet that said I could expect the pain to "double" in several days. He was right, it did, I hurt coming out of surgery but was in agony several days later.

So the worst for your son, and others in a similar position, can easily come after "closure."

I stand in agreement with Skittles and her comments elsewhere in the thread...he needs more counseling, and from professionals. He needs to purge the feelings inside that made him want to attempt suicide so that he never sees it as an option again. If he holds them inside, tries to push them down, he's only going to do battle with himself.

You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

[kimi]

36. Thanks

That makes absolute sense. Right after the service, Dennis seemed calmer, and was sharing light moments with his friends about his cousin, and some tears. It's why I thought he'd accepted it, and would feel support and comfort from everyone around him. Turns out that all of that did indeed emphasize the loss, and the ongoing stresses of trying to return to a normal college schedule in the face of seeing his cousin's empty dorm room next door just compounded till he thought "Why go on?" He's getting inpatient treatment now, and is safe.

I place a lot of stock in thoughts and prayers, so again, thanks.

[MrsBrady]

27. just be good to yourself

i'm going through some rough stuff right now and you just have to remember that
it's ok to be upset when things are upsetting. And don't let anyone tell you how to feel.


Love him, support him.

And come back here when you need us :hug:


Just remember not to do anything for him that he could do for himself.
Make sure to take care of YOU first, so that you are well enough to help him.
If you are not well, you won't be able to help anyone.

[GreenPartyVoter]

28. He has survivor's guilt of a kind, and he is clearly hurting and needs help. Definitely do

have him see someone for this! Not sure why the other side of the family is against it. There's no shame in needing help, and a suicide attempt can be a _huge_ cry for help.

As for you not knowing what was going on, even if you had checked up on him he might not have told you how he was feeling. Kids have a funny way of trying to protect their parents that way. :hug:

The range of reactions in the family is to be expected. Some will just deny that it happened or that it's a big deal. (It _did_ happen, and it _is_ a big deal.) Some will be angry. Some will be confused. Some will be a mix of those feelings and others like sadness and guilt, or bounce from one to another. (I remember after my uncle killed himself I was very, very angry. Mostly at him but some at myself for not knowing what was going on and being more helpful to him somehow.)

Just stay in touch with supportive people in your life, online and off. This could take a long time for your son and family to heal from.

[OhioBlue]

29. hugs to you kimi!

I'm so sorry and at the same time so happy that his attempt was unsuccessful. Please don't second guess yourself and play the what ifs. As others have said, you are very right that your son needs more counseling and YOU are mom - go with your instincts, talk to the doctors and professionals. You can't beat yourself up for not knowing... but now you know and you can seek resources and find the help he needs. Hug him, love him, and follow your instincts after talking with professionals. You will do the right thing, I am sure.

:hugs:

[Flaxbee]

30. oh kimi, I'm so sorry, but so glad to hear he'll pull through

It sounds like he really needs help with his feelings of guilt. Psychiatric care might be a very good thing for him right now. :hug: to you and your son. You'll find a way to help him through this (and don't forget to see to your own feelings and care, too).

[Lydia Leftcoast]

31. Late teen, early twenties people take deaths of people they know really hard

I've noticed this among my relatives and among the students I taught. Hell, it was true of me. When I was in my teens and twenties, the deaths of contemporaries I didn't even know very well hit me as if they had been really close.

It's as if they haven't quite processed the idea that they're going to die some day, and every death of someone they know, especially of someone their age is a reminder.

Now add the fact that your son lost two people close to him AND he feels guilty.

A suicide attempt is considered a psychiatric emergency. The hospital may decide to refer him for counseling once he's conscious, etc.

[Odin2005]

32. Be there for him!

:hug:

[handmade34]

33. so difficult

hold his hand, hug him, touch him, say 'I Love You'... take care of yourself too!!

[libodem]

34. I feel his pain

And yours.

[kimi]

35. You all have been so kind

I truly appreciate it. I'm constantly amazed that people can care so much, but I shouldn't be. It's what DU does best, really.

Tonight my boy is in an inpatient psychiatric unit. I got to the hospital just as the psychiatrist was sitting down with him to talk, and so I heard all the details. He took a lot of pills around 3 AM, woke up later very disoriented, and a friend asked why he was acting weird. He told the friend what had happened, and was rushed to the local hospital, then sent lights and sirens to a major facility 40 miles away. He came very near to dying, and the psychiatrist told him that, or else being on life support and a transplant list. He had major hallucinations all night, as well as heart issues. Today enough of the meds had cleared his system that he could be transferred to the inpatient unit where he is now. I can't tell you how relieved I am about the fact that he's safe right now - when I heard his reasoning for this("Why go on?") it scared the you-know-what out of me. Beyond that, he's had suicidal feelings before, which is how he got hold of some of these meds for depression. I had NO idea that he's felt this way for so long, and the death of his friend/cousin and the other friend just - tilted it all towards this.

The brother who was angry has gone to blaming himself now - thinks he should have been there for his little brother. He and I have talked a lot, helped each other, I think. My ex is very angry with our son for this; I'm glad that he can't call or e-mail him because - well, for obvious reasons. I have friends and family here who have been absolute rocks; my son's aunt shared with him her personal experience of being in this dark place, and late this afternoon I did too (something I've never told any of the kids). I hugged him, told him I love him more than I can ever say, cried some, and told him that he needs to go somewhere to be able to come to terms with how to deal with his cousin's death, and he accepts that.

Again, thank you all so much. This has been a frightening and shocking thing for my family, and you have all been - uplifting, is all I can say, when that's what was so needed. I'd respond individually to everyone but it's been a long day and I'm driving 35 miles back down there tomorrow (and I just recently got my license back after having been disabled enough not to have it for over 10 years, so interstate driving kinda freaks me out!) Thank you again.

[kimi]

37. Unfortunately

now my son has checked himself out of inpatient psychiatric care AMA. He's a legal adult and can do this. Says that he's "not comfortable" with it and wants to work on his issues on his own terms. His father and grandparents on his father's side apparently agree with this. I most emphatically do not, and it has created a huge rift in the family now. I don't see how a 19-year-old who almost died 3 nights ago can just walk out of a hospital, without any medical or psychiatric follow-up. But that's what's happened, and it upsets me incredibly. Especially since it turns out that he has had suicidal feelings for months (I was unaware of this; his grandparents knew), which is why he had the access to anti-depressants which contributed to his overdose.

My son says that he has no intention of hurting himself again, suicide is "the last thing on my mind", in his words. I understand that, but he hasn't had any therapy to learn to deal with these major stressors in his life - his cousin and best friend dying and his guilt over that, along with school issues, etc. I'm extremely frustrated and angry with my ex and his parents who didn't encourage him to stay in the hospital and work on these issues.

It's odd how these things work. The brother who was angry is now extremely protective of his little brother, and upset that he is not being encouraged to deal with his problems on a professional level. The grandmother who I thought would be very protective, feels that my youngest son is being selfish, and needs to get on with his life ASAP (a view shared by my ex). The other family members are split. It's obvious - a suicide attempt by a member of a close-knit family - alters the fabric of that family forever.

[lovemydog]

38. listen to him

listen, listen, listen

Try not to force anything on him.

[riderinthestorm]

39. Oh Kimi!! How scary!! Maybe his brother (and/or you) can go to grief counseling with him?

I have no idea if that would be something he might consider but perhaps if you or your other son went with him, he may find it less... uncomfortable. Since you've already shared that you have struggled with depression you could easily try to nudge him into a group situation with family members as well, it would be baby steps but perhaps once he gets on the healing road in a less intense place, it could lead to the realization he needs to get more help.

I really am sorry to hear of the extra drama your ex's side of the family is injecting into all of this. Its obvious they've never lost a member of the family to suicide or they would never be so cavalier. Like you said, it changes the family dynamics irrevocably, and not having a united front for your son of support, love and encouragement to deal with his demons makes it harder than it already is.

Keep holding him, and like it was said upthread so many times, keep listening and being there for him.

We've got your back here too! :hug: