Ways to handle telemarketers

[ashling]

My daughter and I were sitting in my office when some car warranty place called. She picked up the phone, but they hung up first. I picked up the other phone. We decided that next time they or some telemarketer calls we need to tag team:

"I'VE GOT IT!"

"NO, I'VE GOT IT, YOU CAN HANG UP NOW"

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN? I CAN HANG UP - YOU HANG UP!"

"GODDAMIT! I'M TIRED OF THIS SHIT! HANG UP THE GOD DAMNED PHONE!"

"Me? MEEE? LISTEN YOU UNGRATEFUL -"

I"M UNGRATEFUL? I'M UNGRATEFUL???
"JUST HANG UP THE FUCKING FUCKEtY FUCK PHONE!!!!"

"DO YOU REALLY WANT TO TALK ABOUT FUCKETY FUCKING? YOU HAVE GOT A LOT OF DAMNE NERVE WITH YOUR -"

etc., etc., etc. as needed


Another one we thought of:

"I'm sooo glad you called. I wanted to tell you about our Lord Jesus Christ and how YOU can accept him today as your personal Lord and savior..."

[CaliforniaPeggy]

1. My dear ashling!

That's a great idea! You had me laughing out loud!

:rofl:

[ashling]

3. Hi Peg, I hope I didn't

shock you with the language in that post. I don't usually talk like that, but you know, I hear some people use the F word a lot like that. :P

[CaliforniaPeggy]

4. Some people use the F word a lot like that??? lol

I was NOT shocked! Not even close!

And yeah...I use it.







A lot!


:rofl:

[gratuitous]

2. "No YOU shut up!"

The undeniable hallmark of a conversation you want no part of. Work that in, and the telemarketer is guaranteed to either hang up or if he's stupid enough, join in by taking a side. Hours of comedic gold would doubtlessly ensue.

[nolabear]

5. My husband likes to do his best imitation of an old fart on them.

"Insurance? We didn't need no insurance when I was a boy; we paid our own way and we LIKED it! And did we get sick...I remember one time I was so sick I was running at both ends, and when my wife...you can't tell 'em nothing, you know, they think they know it all, but she's a good old woman and I'm glad I didn't marry that other one, because I heard she took to drinking and her children never did amount to nothing and our boy...did I tell you about our boy?"

He can go on as long as they can, and gets great pleasure of finding ways to never hit a period or take a breath.

There for a while I'd say "Hold on just a minute" and hand the phone to my youngest son, who could also talk the paint off a wall, but he lost interest as he got older.

As long as you realize all bets are off and they deserve to be part of your version of performance art it can be fun.

[freshwest]

7. Must be a lot of fun in your household!

[struggle4progress]

6. friendly chatty soul. "Oh, hi! I'm so glad you called! How are you today? I'm doing pretty well.

So what's up? We're all worried here about the snow storm. So what're you calling about today? What's the weather like up your way? Yeah, my daughter's supposed to be coming but she doesn't have snow tires. So, what's up? Do you have kids? Where's a good place to get snow tires? Do you think it's worth buying snow tires if you're only using them a few week a year?"

Trick is to be friendly friendly friendly, and to sound like the conversation might actually get to the salespitch soon -- but never to let it actually go there. Give them a chance to answer the question. If they don't, be sure to re-ask! In for a penny, in for a pound! And remember, every minute they spend talking to you cost them money and saves somebody else the aggravation of dealing with them!

[freshwest]

8. Kill with kindness. I say I'm glad they have a job, say good luck with their next call and bye.

[struggle4progress]

12. that actually sounds like a decent and humane response

[freshwest]

16. I treat them the same as a beggar on the street, because the balance of power is the same.

If I can give to someone on the street, i do. If I can't, I don't. For me, the person that is on the phone hawking something isn't any different than the one who is hawking a newspaper on the corner.

A more just society that would employ people to do worthwhile things, is the goal in either situation. I've known telemarketers and they had scattered lives. I won't write them here, but everyone in the world has a story and it's humbling to contemplate the diversity.

Who am I to judge, knowing that I don't have to do that for a living? Where does my personal space end? I keep the ringer off and caller ID on. I do or don't interact with people in public. The Do Not Call List was probably a Bush information gathering scam, since it doesn't work LOL. And is due to expire this year, I think...

But these are some really funny stories here and this is fun thread. Too bad I'm not as light hearted as I could be. But that's why there's a Lounge, huh? So we can lighten up a little!

:rofl:

[dimbear]

13. It's an ethical question. Telemarketers' lives suck. OTOH, they bother people for a living.

The Magic 8 Ball says ask again later.

[SCantiGOP]

9. put them on hold

Say, 'Yes, I would really like to hear about that. Just let me put the phone down and turn off something on the stove and I'll be right back.' Time it to see how long they wait before they hang up. If they call back, say, "Now I've got to turn off the stove again. Hold on."

[Gidney N Cloyd]

10. My favorite is still the one where they make the telemarketer think he's called a crime scene.

Here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lmwbX9RkmEU

[freshwest]

17. Oh yeah, I was going to post that one but didn't know if it would offend. That was well done!

[DebJ]

11. My husband is a geography expert. When we get a call and

most of them are from overseas, he kindly asks them what city they are from. He then pulls from his faster-than-Google memory and asks them about specifics of their town, until they seem quite comfortable with him. Then he says, "Listen buddy, no personal offense intended, but how would you feel about getting a big pink slip in your next check that says your job just moved to the USA? We don't do business with people from overseas." And hangs up.

He enjoys that so much I never put us on a do not call list.

[tblue]

14. Carpet Cleaners: "Can you remove sacrificial chicken blood stains

from a white carpet?"

The other one I've heard of is like your last one:
"First, have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Personal Lord and Savior?"

And if they're taking a political poll, just do it! They need to hear our opinions!

[trueblue2007]

15. funny phone calls

Cancel your credit card before you die..........(hilarious!)

Now some people are really stupid!!!!
Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die.

This is so priceless, and so, so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today.

A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00 when she died, but now somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank.

Here is the exchange :

Family Member: 'I am calling to tell you she died back in January.'

Citibank : 'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member : 'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.'

Citibank : 'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.'

Family Member : So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'

Citibank : 'Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!'

Family Member : 'Do you think God will be mad at her?'

Citibank: 'Excuse me?'

Family Member : 'Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?'

Citibank : 'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'


Supervisor gets on the phone :

Family Member : 'I'm calling to tell you, she died back in January with a $0 balance.'

Citibank : 'The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member : 'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'

Citibank : (Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'

Family Member : 'No, I'm her great nephew.' (Lawyer info was given)

Citibank: 'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'

Family Member : 'Sure.' (Fax number was given )


After they get the fax :

Citibank : 'Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help.'

Family Member : 'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. She won't care.'

Citibank: 'Well, the late fees and charges will still apply.'

(What is wrong with these people?!?)

Family Member : 'Would you like her new billing address?'

Citibank : 'That might help...'

Family Member : ' Odessa Memorial Cemetery , Highway 129, Plot Number 69.'

Citibank : 'Sir, that's a cemetery!'

Family Member : 'And what do you do with dead people on your planet???'

[freshwest]

18. Priceless! Thanks for the laugh. I hope someone posts some of those answering question jokes.

[krispos42]

21. "And what do you do with dead people on your planet?"

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

[freshwest]

22. That was perfect!

[HopeHoops]

19. I inerrupt with "Excuse me, but could you call me back at a different number?"

They say "sure" and I hang up.

I've done the same thing with "different continent", "different time zone", etc. Then there's answering in Russian and saying rude things at them. If there's the right kind of music on, I'll put the phone up against the speaker for a while.

One collection agent got through by using a local phone number. I thought it was for one of the kids so I answered. The were calling to inform me that I owed some medical facility like $35 or something. I answered, "Well, that's probably true. Thanks for calling" and hung up.

[freshwest]

24. I used to call forward at night to a variable cycle test tone, time service & a Chinese theater.

The variable cycle tone was sounded like someone going wooo up and down the scale/

The time service was fmy way of saying, 'It's late, dammit!'

The best was the Chinese theater. It was a reading of the films playing in Chinese, not a word of English.

[madmom]

20. My son used to give the phone to his 3 year old daughter, who loved to talk on the phone.

[Skittles]

23. they are people trying to make a living

a simple NO THANK YOU I AM NOT INTERESTED is fine