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...I'm imagining you're doing this on a library computer where they won't let you listen. I'll transcribe a little bit...as I quickly flip through the downloaded MP3 file.
The show started with some scenes of New Orleans, and segued into an Army ad: "Right now, Fallujha looks pretty good, doesn't it?"
Maher blew a joke and uttered the following saver: "I call that a FEMA joke. You'll get it in five to seven days." He also defended himself against racial bias; "Just because Bush sits around, doing nothing on the federal dole, doesn't mean that all white people act that way."
On a more serious line, Maher mentioned that a black friend of his in New Orleans said, "After 9/11 I was an American; now I'm back to being black."
George Carlin got serious, too, saying that the Right is interested in property rights, while the Left is more interested in people rights. And Maher pointed out that in the Bible, adultery was a property crime: you were ****ing someone else's wife, who was his property.
About the Barbara Bush quote: "The mother doesn't fall far from the tree." This is about the "this (evacuation) is working very well for them." Maher said "Marie Antoinette couldn't have said it better," and Carlin chimed in, "Silver Douchebag is what I call her."
Then, Maher read the Hallmark Card Mrs. Bush sent: "Heard you were a little under the poverty level; get well-fare soon." From Mike Brown: "Hey, I heard there was some kind of tornado or something; sorry I missed your evacuation." And another card: "Thinking of you in our time of greed...Halliburton." And "I have a problem with leaks, too: Karl Rove." And from Laura Bush: "Looking forward to a frozen, awkward hug." And another one from Mike Brown: "If you think it takes forever for FEMA to come, you should meet my wife."
New Rules: "No more gift registries. It used to be just for weddings; now it's for babies, and new homes, and graduations and rehab. Picking out stuff you want and getting other people to buy it for you isn't gift-giving; it's the white people's version of looting."
"Don't drag kids into adult fights. Everyone knows you don't turn kids into pawns during a fight; you turn them into pawns during a divorce."
"The phrase CPT, meaning Colored People's Time, based on the idea that black people are often late...must now be renamed FGT for Federal Government Time. And when someone like Brown walks in, even five minutes late, people must roll their eyes and mutter 'FGT!'"
"This one is way overdue...no more bathroom attendants! After I zip up, someone is offering me a towel and a mint, like I've just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there or is just some freak with a fetish."
And the final one..."America must recall the President." (massive cheers) "That's what this country needs. A good old fashioned, California-style recall election. Complete with Gary Coleman, porno actresses and action film stars. And just like Schwartzenegger's predecessor here in California, George Bush is so unpopular that he must defend his job against...Russell Crowe. Because at this point, I want a leader who will throw a phone at somebody.
"In fact, let's have ONLY phone throwers. Naomi Campbell can be Vice President.
"Now I kid, but seriously, Mr. President...this job can't be fun for you any more. There's no more money to spend, you've used up all of that...you can't start another war, because you've used up all the army...and now, darn the luck, the rest of your term has become the Bush Family Nightmare...helping poor people.
"Listen to your mom. The cubboard's bare, the credit card's maxed out and no one's speaking to you. Mission Accomplished!
"Now it's time for you to do what you do best. Lose interest and walk away. Like you did with your military service, and your baseball team, and your oil business. Time to move on to your next fantasy job. How about cowboy? Or spaceman?
"Now I know what you're saying, there are so many other things that you could be involved in as President. Please...don't. I know there's a lot more to do. A war with Venezuela. And eliminating the sales tax on yachts. Turning the space program over to the church...and social security over to Fanny Mae. Giving embryos the vote.
"But sir, none of that is going to happen now. Because you perform like Billy Joel drives. You perform so poorly, I'm surprised you haven't given yourself a medal. You're a catastrophe that walks like a man. Herbert Hoover was a s***ty President, but even he never conceded an American metropolis to rising water and snakes.
"On your watch, we've lost almost all of our allies, the surplus, four airliners, two Trade Centers, a piece of the Pentagon and the city of New Orleans. 'Maybe you're just not lucky!' I'm not saying you don't love this country. I'm just wondering how much worse it could be if you were on the other side.
"So yes, God does speak to you. And what He's saying is 'Take a hint.'"
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