The Top 10 Conservatives Idiots No. xxx Test Edition

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The Top 10 Conservative Idiots, No. 235
Fifth Annual Oscar Special!

March 6, 2006

The Oscars are here again, and to show how much we love those little gold statuettes it's time for our annual homage to Hollywood, the Top 10 Conservative Idiots Oscar Special. Bill O'Reilly (1) takes home the honors thanks to his Academy Award-winning performance on The Factor last week, but George W. Bush (2,3,4,5) rakes in four wins, a big improvement over last year's performance. Other winners include Duke Cunningham (6) for producing last week's courtroom drama, Scooter Libby (8) for directing money into his bank account, and Bill Frist (9) for acting like an ass. Enjoy, and don't forget the key!



Bill O'Reilly

Most Amusing Mental Breakdown: The Falafel Master has been on the list quite a few times recently, and I thought he'd have to do something really dumb to get on this week - let alone make it all the way to the number one slot. But it was obviously very foolish of me to underestimate Mr. O'Reilly's talent for douchebaggery.

We noted last week that O'Reilly had started a lame petition to replace MSNBC's Keith Olbermann with Phil Donahue. Keith had some fun with that. But in the wake of recent news that Fox News' ratings are starting to slide while MSNBC's are climbing, it seems that these days the mere mention of Olbermann's name is enough to make O'Reilly break out in hives.

Last week, Mike Stark of CallingAllWingnuts.com caused O'Reilly to make a giant jackass of himself while taking phone calls on The Radio Factor. Here's how Mike ruined the Falafel Master's day:

Hey Bill, I appreciate you taking my call. I like to listen to you during the day, I think Keith Olbermann's show...

And that was it - O'Reilly pulled the plug on Mike before he could get another word out. Fortunately, Mike was able to record O'Reilly's subsequent meltdown for your listening pleasure. The transcript follows:

MIKE: Hey Bill, I appreciate you taking my call. I like to listen to you during the day, I think Keith Olbermann's show...

(Click)

FALAFEL MASTER: There you go, Mike is, er, he's a gone guy. You know we have your phone numbers by the way, so if you're listening Mike, we have your phone number and we're going to turn it over to Fox security, and you'll be getting a little visit.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Maybe Mike's from the mothership.

FALAFEL MASTER: No, maybe Mike's gonna get in big trouble. Because we're not going to play around. When you call us ladies and gentlemen, just so you know, we do have your phone number and if you say anything untoward, obscene, or anything like that, Fox security then will contact local authorities and you will be held accountable. Fair?

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: That's fair.

FALAFEL MASTER: So just, all you guys who do this kind of a thing, you know, I know some shock-jocks, ER, whatever, you will be held accountable. Believe it.

Jesus, what a loon. He's going to try to get someone arrested for saying "Keith Olbermann" on his radio show? Best of luck with that!

But the story gets crazier - it turns out that O'Reilly really did sic his head of security on at least one caller - DUer adigal, who was harassed by Fox after having the temerity to mention Keith Olbermann's name last Friday.

So here's a special plea to all readers of the Top 10 Conservative Idiots: whatever you do, please DO NOT call Bill O'Reilly at 1-877-9-NO-SPIN from noon to 2 PM Monday through Friday and mention Keith Olbermann. Because you don't want to get in trouble with Fox security. And you don't want poor Bill's head to explode, do you?



George W. Bush

Best Actor In A Leading Role: Last week the Associated Press uncovered a series of videos shot on August 28th, 2005 - one day before Hurricane Katrina struck the gulf coast - in which Our Great Leader is caught on camera receiving dire warnings about the coming catastrophe from none other than Mike "Heckuvajob" Brown. According to the Associated Press:

A top hurricane expert voiced "grave concerns" about the levees and then-Federal Emergency Management Agency chief Michael Brown told the president and Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff that he feared there weren't enough disaster teams to help evacuees at the Superdome.

"I'm concerned about ... their ability to respond to a catastrophe within a catastrophe," Brown told his bosses the afternoon before Katrina made landfall.

Some of the footage and transcripts from briefings Aug. 25-31 conflicts with the defenses that federal, state and local officials have made in trying to deflect blame and minimize the political fallout from the failed Katrina response.

Homeland Security officials have said the "fog of war" blinded them early on to the magnitude of the disaster. But the video and transcripts show federal and local officials discussed threats clearly, reviewed long-made plans and understood Katrina would wreak devastation of historic proportions. "I'm sure it will be the top 10 or 15 when all is said and done."

During the videotaped briefing, George W. Bush asked no questions, and made one short statement of support: "I want to assure the folks at the state level that we are fully prepared to not only help you during the storm, but we will move in whatever resources and assets we have at our disposal after the storm."

That was August 28. And then this happened (cue Benny Hill theme tune):







Finally, on September 1, Bush announced that, "I don't think anybody anticipated the breach of the levees."

Now, a lot of people have jumped on the president for saying that, but let's be fair here. None of his advisors actually said "breached" (at least, not more than once). Instead they used the word "overtopped," which makes all the difference in the world.

See, if Bush had been told that the levees might breach, he would have done everything in his power to make sure that New Orleans got all the help it needed. But when he didn't hear the all-important word "breached," he decided to go to John McCain's birthday party instead.

It's like September 11th - remember when Bush sat there in that classroom for seven minutes acting like nothing had happened? That's because Andrew Card told him that "America is under attack." If Card had said, "America is under attack, you might want to get up and do something," I bet Bush would have gotten up immediately.

It's just a matter of choosing the right words with this president.



George W. Bush

Best CEO President: The storm brewing over the sale of American port operations to the United Arab Emirates continues to batter George W. Bush's political standing. Republicans seem utterly confused on this issue: they can't criticize the deal without criticizing the president, and they can't not criticize the deal without suffering the consequences of the fact that they've spent the last five years persuading their constituents that anyone wearing a dishdasha has probably got a dirty bomb stuffed up there somewhere.

But if you thought that the GOP didn't know what to do with the port problem, wait till they get a load of this: last week, George W. Bush announced that he would be selling America's nuclear secrets to India. Now, since India hasn't signed the Nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty, that's technically illegal. Ha ha! As if something stupid like the law is going to stop Our Great Leader.

So, you're probably wondering to yourself, what do we get in exchange for our nuclear secrets? I'll let Lou Dobbs explain:



No, seriously. We're getting mangoes.

In a related story, "U.S. President George W. Bush gave no sign on Saturday that he would support granting Pakistan the same kind of nuclear agreement just reached with India." Presumably the president might be persuaded to change his mind if Pakistan can guarantee several shipments of plums.



George W. Bush

Best Excuse To Use The Word "Misspoke": Bush snuck into Pakistan under cover of night last week, but it turned out that Air Force One wasn't the only thing in the dark. While still in India, Our Great Leader gave a nationally televised speech where he complimented Pakistan as "a steadfast partner…. A force for freedom and moderation in the Arab world."

Which would have been great, if Pakistan was an Arab country. Which is it isn't.

As if Scott McClellan's job wasn't already difficult enough (hey, it's hard work keeping all those lies in order) he then had to explain to the press corps that when Bush said "Arab" he really meant "Muslim."

And people wonder why there's confusion over the ports deal...



George W. Bush

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George W. Bush

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George W. Bush

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George W. Bush

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George W. Bush

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George W. Bush

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This is EarlG - please ignore. I'm testing something. Thanks.

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3. The Top 10 Conservative Idiots (No. XXX)

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George W. Bush

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George W. Bush

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George W. Bush

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George W. Bush

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George W. Bush

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George W. Bush

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George W. Bush

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George W. Bush

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George W. Bush

Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.

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This is EarlG - please ignore. I'm testing something. Thanks.

[Skinner]

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