Need some hard-hitting anti-conservative jokes.

[rockymountaindem]

I posted this in the lounge and was told that this forum would be a better place to ask my question.

One of my friends who claims not to like talking politics sent me this really infuriating anti-Democratic party joke that I won't bother to repeat here.

Now I don't like to let such challenges go unanswered, but I'm not much of a joke man myself. Please help me piss off a conservative (actually, it's 4 conservatives) :)

I need some good jokes that make fun of Republicans for their beliefs and practices. Plain old anti-Bush jokes will not suffice here. I'd really appreciate some help here. Thanks!!

:toast:

[trotsky]

1. Here's one.

Q: Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, a Compassionate Conservative and a Mean Conservative are walking down the street. They see a $100 bill lying on the ground. Who gets it?

A: The Mean Conservative, naturally. The other three are fictional.

[ComerPerro]

37. Or

A conservative, his mother, a ten year old kid, and Santa Claus are walking down the street. They see a $100 dollar bill lying on the ground. Who gets it?

Answer: The conservative. Santa Claus doesn't exist, so he doesn't have a chance. And the conservative, seeing an opportunity to get his hands on $100, punches the ten year old in the face and pushes his mother in front of a speeding car. By default, the conservative is the only one left, so he gets the money.

[HFishbine]

2. George Bush and Condi Rice

go fishing and find themselves on opposite sides of the lake. Condi yells over to George, "Hey, how do I get to the other side of the lake?" George yells back, "You are on the other side of the lake."

[mistertrickster]

3. From Al Franken--

A lot of people think George W. must be dyslexic because his grammar is so confused and convoluted. One time a reporter asked W if he really were dyslexic. He replied, "on."

[mistertrickster]

4. Also, check this out from truthout.org

<http://www.truthout.org/docs_04/031104A.shtml>

These aren't "jokes" per se, they are better--real words from real conservatives:

"Victory means exit strategy, and it's important for the President to explain to us what the exit strategy is."

- George W. Bush, discussing Kosovo, Houston Chronicle, 04-09-99

"I said on my program, if, if the Americans go in and overthrow Saddam Hussein and it's clean, he has nothing, I will apologize to the nation, and I will not trust the Bush administration again."

- Bill O'Reilly, on ABC's Good Morning America, 03-18-03

"I tell people don't kill all the liberals. Leave enough so we can have two on every campus - living fossils - so we will never forget what these people stood for."

- Rush Limbaugh, Denver Post, 12-29-95

"I would warn Orlando that you're right in the way of some serious hurricanes, and I don't think I'd be waving those flags in God's face if I were you. This is not a message of hate; this is a message of redemption. But a condition like this will bring about the destruction of your nation. It'll bring about terrorist bombs; it'll bring earthquakes, tornadoes and possibly a meteor."

- Pat Robertson, speaking of organizers putting rainbow flags up around Orlando to support sexual diversity, Washington Post, 06-10-98. For the record, Orlando remains undestroyed by meteors.

"Environmentalists are a socialist group of individuals that are the tool of the Democrat Party. I'm proud to say that they are my enemy. They are not Americans, never have been Americans, never will be Americans."

- Rep. Don Young (R-AK), Alaska Public Radio, 08-19-96

"When you strip it all away, Jerry Garcia destroyed his life on drugs. And yet he's being honored, like some godlike figure. Our priorities are out of whack, folks."

- Rush (currently under investigation for drug use) Limbaugh, on the death of Jerry Garcia, 08-20-95. For the record, Garcia died of a heart attack unrelated to illegal drug use.

"I don't understand how poor people think."

- George W. Bush, confiding in the Rev. Jim Wallis, New York Times, 08-26-03

"Get rid of the guy. Impeach him, censure him, assassinate him."

- Rep. James Hansen (R-UT), talking about President Clinton, as reported by journalist Steve Miner of KSUB radio who overheard his conversation, 11-01-98

"We're going to keep building the party until we're hunting Democrats with dogs."

- Senator Phil Gramm (R-TX), Mother Jones, 08-95

"My only regret with Timothy McVeigh is he did not go to the New York Times building."

- Ann Coulter, New York Observer, 08-26-02

"Homosexuals want to come into churches and disrupt church services and throw blood all around and try to give people AIDS and spit in the face of ministers."

- Pat Robertson again, The 700 Club, 01-18-95

"And there is, I am certain, among the Iraqi people a respect for the care and the precision that went into the bombing campaign."

- Donald Rumsfeld, defenselink.mil, 04-09-03

[ck4829]

43. And to think, Rush's brother David is saying that Christians are in danger

"I tell people don't kill all the liberals. Leave enough so we can have two on every campus - living fossils - so we will never forget what these people stood for."

David wrote a book "Persecution: How Liberals Are Waging War Against Christianity"

What was Rush's quote, it sure wasn't complimentary, it amounts to Persecution

And more about David, he's so incorrect it's funny

This is from one of his supporters: “Limbaugh points out trenchantly that the Constitution nowhere mandates a "wall of separation between church and state""
In my government class, there are such things in our government as Informal or unwritten Amendments and I personally think the much needed "wall of separation" is one of those

And: "only in the Bible are the components of the Declaration's phrase, 'all men are created equal and are endowed by their Creator (singular) with certain unalienable rights' present. It is a biblical concept (Genesis) that God created man in His image and likeness. Only because of this are all men entitled to equal treatment and unalienable rights. The Greeks, apparently, did not subscribe to the doctrine of equality or equal rights, and neither did the Romans."

Here's 2 questions for David:
1. Was the Declaration of Independence binding like the Constitution OR was it simply a complaint to King George III?
2. When the Declaration was written, were ALL men truly equal?

It would be really funny to see his reply.

[mistertrickster]

5. Okay, one more, then I'll stop--

Question--why should you always take two Republicans fishing with you?

If you take only one, he'll smoke all your pot, but if you take two, they won't smoke any.

[VolcanoJen]

19. That is *perfect!!!*

Absolutely the best Republican joke. Good one, mistertrickster!!

[russian33]

6. this site has some great stuff...

http://ediablo.com/ediablojokes.html


Rush Limbaugh and Linda Trip were riding in an elevator together. Suddenly Linda pressed the "stop" button, ripped off her clothes and said "Oh Rush! Make me feel like a woman!" Rush ripped off his clothes and said "Okay! Fold these!"


I hear that the Replubicans are considering changing their emblem from an Elephant to a condom because a condom stands for inflation, halts production, discourages cooperation, protects a bunch of dicks, and gives one a sense of security while screwing others. <-- HAHAHAHA!

[Felix Mala]

7. Not Sure How Hard This Hits

Q: Why does a cat walk around with it's tail in the air?

A: To show off his Bush/Cheney button.

[rockymountaindem]

8. Thanx everyone!

These will help.

If any of you have some more I'd sure be interested.

Thank you!

[Festivito]

9. On DU a while back. Trouble with a new Bush Stamp.

Hear about the problem with the new Bush Jr. stamp.
Kept falling off envelopes.

The Post Office investigated and found the picture of Bush was great -- for the quality of stamp printing his picture was amazingly lifelike. They tested the glue and it too was perfect.

For some reason, people kept spitting on the wrong side.

[grannylib]

10. Oh that's freakin' great, hee hee!!

[ithacan]

11. try this one

From the Angry Liberal website:
http://www.theangryliberal.com/jokes.htm

The "Potatoe" Claims Another Conservative

Ex-Governor Bush Called Former President Clinton one afternoon.

"Hello, Bill? It's Dubya. Say, I've been meanin' ta ask ya sumthin'. How did you do so well with the ladies when you were president?"

"I'll tell ya, George. The trick is to dazzle them with charm and intelligent conversation."

"Yeah, but what can I do?" asked Bush.

Clinton paused. "Well, George, if all else fails, try puttin' a potato down your pants. That works every time."

The next week, Bush called Clinton again.

"Bill? Dubya. Laura was in Crawford over the weekend and I got to go stag to the embassy ball. I tried the potato trick, but all the ladies kept their distance."

"I know, I saw the ball on C-SPAN," laughed Clinton. "Next time, try puttin' the potato down the front of your pants."

[grannylib]

12. omg hee hee ROTFLMAO hee hee hee....

[patricia92243]

13. i BURST OUT LAUGHING WITH THAT ONE!

[mark11727]

28. That's the LAST time

I read this while having lunch in the office --- poor monitor never knew what hit it (hint --- it involved sauce).

[ThomasNorth16]

14. Marriage Licenses

Is this so far fetched that it is anti-conservative and if it isn't how do we answer it? Tom North
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Marriage Licenses

A scene at City Hall in San Francisco

"Next."

"Good morning. We want to apply for a marriage license."

"Names?"

"Tim and Jim Jones."

"Jones? Are you related? I see a resemblance."

"Yes, we're brothers."

"Brothers? You can't get married."

"Why not? Aren't you giving marriage licenses to same gender couples?"

"Yes, thousands. But we haven't had any siblings. That's incest!"

"Incest?" No, no, we are not gay."

"Not gay? Then why do you want to get married?"

"For the financial benefits, of course. And we do love each other. Besides, we don't have any other prospects."

"But we're issuing marriage licenses to gay and lesbian couples who've been denied equal protection under the law. If you are not gay, you can get married to a woman."

"Wait a minute. A gay man has the same right to marry a woman as I have. But just because I'm straight doesn't mean I want to marry a woman. I want to marry Jim."

"And I want to marry Tim, are you going to discriminate against us just because we are not gay?"

"All right, all right. I'll give you your license.

Next."

"Hi. We are here to get married."

"Names?"

"John Smith, Jane James, Robert Green, and June Johnson."

"Who wants to marry whom?"

"We all want to marry each other."

"But there are four of you!"

"That's right. You see, we're all bisexual. I love Jane and Robert, Jane loves me and June, June loves Robert and Jane, and Robert loves June and me. All of us getting married together is the only way that we can express our sexual preferences in a marital relationship."

"But we've only been granting licenses to gay and lesbian couples."

"So you're discriminating against bisexuals!"

"No, it's just that, well, the traditional idea of marriage is that it's just for couples."

"Since when are you standing on tradition?"

"Well, I mean, you have to draw the line somewhere."

"Who says? There's no logical reason to limit marriage to couples. The more the better. Besides, we demand our rights! The mayor says the constitution guarantees equal protection under the law. Give us a marriage license!"

"All right, all right. Next."

"Hello, I'd like a marriage license."

"In what names?"

"David Deets."

"And the other man?"

"That's all. I want to marry myself."

"Marry yourself? What do you mean?"

"Well, my psychiatrist says I have a dual personality, so I want to marry the two together. Maybe I can file a joint income-tax return."

"That does it! I quit!! You people are making a mockery of marriage!!"

[NMDemDist2]

15. I love this one... similar to the West Wing when Bartlett kicked

evangelical butt

Laura Schlessinger is a US radio personality, who dispenses advice to people who call in to her Radio show. On her radio show recently, she said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination, according to Leviticus
18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following response is an open letter to Dr. Laura, penned by a US resident, which was posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as thought-provoking.

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination... End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God's Laws and how to follow them:

1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanness - Lev.15:19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is, my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there 'degrees' of abomination?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? (Lev.24:10-16) Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.


Your adoring fan,

[MonicaR]

16. The Lie Clock

Teddy Kennedy died and went to Heaven. St. Peter met him at the Pearly Gates and told him, "Senator, you have done excellent work during your time on Earth, so you'll have no problem getting into Heaven. As soon as we process your paperwork we'll let you in."

While he was waiting, Sen Kennedy noticed a row of clocks by the Pearly Gates and asked, "What are those, St. Peter?"

"Those are Lie Clocks, senator. They start at midnight and every time you told a lie during your lifetime that God was displeased with, it moves one minute."

Senator Kennedy pointed to two clocks near the Pearly Gates and asked."Whose clocks are those?"

"Those are Jesus' and Mother Teresa's," St. Peter replied.

He noticed another clock that was set at 12:02 and asked, "Whose clock is that?"

"That's George Washington's"

He noted another clock that was set at 12:05 and asked "And this one?"

"That's yours,senator."

"He pointed to another one that was set at 11:40 PM and asked, "This one must be Richard Nixon's, right?"

"Correct."

At that moment the secretary came back with the paperwork as the Pearly Gates opened. "Well, senator, welcome to Heaven. Your brothers are waiting for you. Do you have any further questions for me?"

"Yes St. Peter. I was just wondering wher George W. Bush's Lie Clock is."

"Oh, it's in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

[Dying Eagle]

20. OFLMAO

Clock joke is the best!!

[MonicaR]

17. Another one

Q-What's a 12 letter word for liar?

conservative

[Fire Bush]

18. What's 12 inches long and hangs between W's legs?

Sean Hannity's necktie.

[Dying Eagle]

21. Welcom to DU Fire Bush

:hi:

[MonicaR]

22. Is it because..

He's kissing Junior's behind?

[LTR]

23. OUCH!

Best. Joke. Ever.

Now THAT is funny!

Welcome to DU. And with humor like that, I hope you post more than once per week.

[mark11727]

29. BWAHHH!!!

[Autobot77]

24. Heres one...

Q: What do you have when you get 1000 Coneservatives drowning in the ocean?

A: A good start

[sleepyhead]

25. an oldie

A liberal says "My glass is half full."
A conservative says, "Who drank half my water?"

[4MoreYearsOfHell]

26. Guy in a bar...

a long bar...other dude on the far right, one on the far left...

He orders, then sees GWB on TV.

"What a horse's ass" he says. Guy on right side of the bar slides on down and smacks him.

He sees Laura next on TV...

"She's a horse's ass to"...Dude on the left side comes up smacks him...

He rubs his jaw, and the bartender walks over. "I didn't know that this was Bush country" he says.

Bartender says "It's not...It's horse country"

[Dark]

27. LMAO!

OMG! That was a good one!

[RandomKoolzip]

30. What's the difference between liberals and conservatives?

A liberal wins the lottery and throws a party.

A conservative wins the lottery and complains that he has to pay taxes on it.

[Dark]

34. Good one!

That was hilarious!

[LVZ]

31. OFF TOPIC: how many replies are required to POST

Since (1) these forums seem to be overly paranoid probably to prevent trolls and (2) the Admin forum is locked for newbies (who's the genius who decided that?), I CANNOT POST a new message because I'm new here. I guess you have to make a certain number of replies first before you get exalted to POSTING STATUS.

My question: how many replies in how many forums and how many words.

Sorry for the diversion from your topic.

Bob Carroll, Las Vegas

[LVZ]

32. NOT JOKES but my ideas for CARTOON ADS

I see a lot of political ads on TV and most seem too unfocused or
complex for the average guy. I thought up a few and would like your
creative (not political) comments/suggestions:

(1) TAX CUTS FOR THE RICH CARTOON:

Announcer: President Bush says he loves tax cuts (image of big
valentines heart throbbing in and out)

Hey, why not !!!!

Cartoon of Bush throwing money in the air and yelling "YIPPEE"

This year George Bush got a $31,000 tax cut

Cartoon of Cheney with oil well in background and overstuffed
suitcase full of money

This year Vice President Cheney got an $89,000 tax cut

IMAGE OF BIG QUESTION MARK "??" and chorus of "huh???????"

Oh, by the way, how much did YOU get?

==============

(2) SOUTHPARK THEME:

Bush and Cheney as southpark bank robbers counting money:

CHENEY: money from big Oil companies: 2.3 gazillion dollars

BUSH: money from big drug companies: 3.4 gazillion dollars

CHENEY: money from ENRON, WORLDCOM, HALLIBURTON and RUPERT MURDOCH:
1.5 gazillion dollars

BUSH (big grin): being able to hoodwink the American public all over
again: PRICELESS

==============

(3) THE EMPEROR HAS NO CLOTHES

A cartoon scene in the style of the old "Fractured Fairy Tales"
(Rocky & Bullwinkle show):

Bush dressed up in layers of fancy royal clothes waving to the
tattered clothed masses below.

Quote a false statement made by Bush and take away part of his
clothes with a WHOOSH sound.

Repeat another false statement made by Bush and take away another
piece, etc.

After all clothes are gone and a naked cartoon Bush is still walking
waving to the crowd, have a young boy shout out "but, mom, he has no
clothes" and have a chorus of "ahhs!?" come from the crowd.

Word from an announcer: "we've heard falsehoods, exaggerations and
excuses from George Bush for four long years. Is it really that
hard to see the naked truth?"

===========

Bob Carroll, Las Vegas

[Dark]

33. I don't remember exactly

just keep posting on other people's threads with your opinions. Be honest. I know it isn't that high. I know you'll be able by twenty-five, and I think you should by ten.

[Kukesa]

50. Look in the DU RULES FOR POSTING A MESSAGE section,

and you'll find an answer to your posting question.

Welcome to DU.

[sofa king]

35. What do George W. Bush and a Velvet Elvis painting have in common?

Neither one belongs in the White House.

[ComerPerro]

38. LOL

Great one

[MNBrew]

36. Dubya in Hell

Dubya dies and finds himself confronted by Satan at the entrance to Hell.

“Sorry, sir, but we have no vacancies right now.”

“That’s ok, I’ll just be on my way,” responded a very happy Bush.

“Whoa, wait a minute! You’re George W. Bush. Sorry, I didn’t recognize you at first. After the life you lived, there is no way in hell I can turn you away. We’ll just have to release someone to make room for you. Tell you what, just to make it sporting I’ll show you three people and you can choose whom you replace.”

“Well, that seems fair,” replied a somewhat dejected Bush.

With that, the Devil whisked Dubya off to a large cavern. In the middle of the cavern was pool of boiling oil. George was surprised to see his former mentor, Dick Cheney, withering in agony as he vainly tried to pull himself up the steep, oil-slicked bank and out of the pool. It was plain to see that he would never make it out.

“Well, Mr. Devil, I was never any good in the oil business, so I think I’ll pass on this one,” said Dubya as he waved goodbye to his old friend.

The devil waved his mighty arm and in a flash Bush found himself in another cavern where a large group of demon warriors—armed with swords and spears of fire—were chasing a lone figure.

“Heya, Rummy,” shouted a gleeful Bush.

Rumsfeld was too busy to respond. He tried desperately to get away but the warriors quickly closed ground and savagely attacked, hacking the defenseless Rumsfeld to pieces.

Bush looked on in horror as Rumsfeld’s corpse suddenly reanimated. His former advisor sprung to life and quickly took off running again with the hellish hoard in hot pursuit.

“Well, Mr. Devil, sir, my military training was more in the way of boozing and whoring, so I think I’m not really right for this assignment.”

“Okay, George. The next one may be more down your alley.”

In flash, Bush and his devilish companion found themselves in a lushly decorated room. In the middle of the room was a pile of plush pillows of silk and satin. Upon the pillows Bush spied the buck naked, spread-eagle form of Bill Clinton. Kneeling before Clinton with her head buried in his groin was none other than Monica Lewinsky, doing...well...doing what she does so well.

Trying vainly to hide his enthusiasm, Bush blurted out, “Well, I’m not a sinful person, but you leave me no choice.” Ripping off his clothing, an eager Bush babbled, “I’ll take this one and just try to make the best of it.” Bush began to giggle in anticipation.

“Very well,” intoned the Devil, “You have made your choice and it is final.”

With that, the devil turned to interrupt the copulating couple.

“OK, Monica, you can go.”

[smirkymonkey]

46. Best one yet!

The visual alone is priceless! Welcome to DU! :hi:

[sofa king]

39. How many Conservatives does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Conservatives only screw poor people.

[sofa king]

40. Okay, one last one....

I made this one up on my way home from work, so if it sucks the credit is all mine.

A liberal guy, a gay guy, and a lower-income conservative guy are all going through their first day in prison. They're put in a cell with the biggest, meanest, most dangerous inmate in the entire cell block.

"All right, fellas. We're gonna get some things straight around here. The first thing we're going to do is figure out who's in charge." The goon then grabs the liberal guy, bends him over the toilet, and brutally sodomizes him.

When he's finished the goon asks the liberal guy, "how do you feel about that, pal?"

"Oh, shit, I feel awful! As far as I'm concerned, you're the boss."

The goon turns to the gay guy and does the same thing. "How do you feel about that, buddy?"

"Wow! I feel great!," says the gay guy. "In my book, you're the king!"

Now it's the poor conservative's turn. When he's finished, the goon asks the redneck the same question.

The redneck looks at the goon with wide eyes. "I feel... patriotic. Are you the President?"

[Juansmith]

41. Not terrible, sofa king

Lots of great stuff here though.

[Name removed]

42. Deleted message

Message removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.

[screwfacecapone]

44. here we go

WHile on vacation at a middle eastern bazzar, a man stops by a store and notices a solid gold rat. He picks it up, and the merchant lets him have it for only 3 us dollars. WHile walking outside, he is greeted by a swarm of rats, all comming toward him. He runs down the alley to a nearby river. He panics, and throws the rat statue into the pond, and all the rats foll it in there and drown. Satisfied, he walks back into the shop and asks the shopkeeper:

Do you have a bronze conservative?

[Name removed]

45. Deleted message

Message removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.

[iamjoy]

47. It's A Little Long....

George "Dubya" Bush dies. His soul arrives in heaven and he is met by St.Peter at the Pearly Gates.

Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems
there's a problem: We seldom see a Republican around these parts, so
we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in; I'm a believer." says Dubya.

"I'd like to just let you in, but I have orders from the Man Himself: He says you have to spend one day in Hell and one day in Heaven. Then you must choose where you'll live for eternity."

"But, I've already made up my mind; I want to be in Heaven."
"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to an elevator and he goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a lush golf course; the sun is shining in a cloudless sky, the temperature a perfect 72 degrees. In the distance is a beautiful clubhouse. Standing in front of it his dad...and thousands of other Republicans who had helped him out over the
years...Karl Rove, Dick Cheney, Jerry Falwell.... The whole of the "Right" was there...everyone laughing...happy.... casually but expensively dressed.

They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had getting rich at expense of the "suckers and peasants". They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar.

The Devil himself comes up to Bush with a frosty drink, "Have a
Margarita and relax, Dubya!"

"Uh, I can't drink no more, I took a pledge," says Junior, dejectedly.

"This is Hell, son: you can drink and eat all you want and not worry,
and it just gets better from there!"

Dubya takes the drink and finds himself liking the Devil, who he thinks is a really very friendly guy who tells funny jokes and pulls hilarious nasty pranks. kind of like a Yale Skull and Bones brother with real horns.

They are having such a great time that, before he realizes it, it's time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves as Bush steps on the elevator and heads upward.

When the elevator door reopens, he is in Heaven again and St. Peter is waiting for him. "Now it's time to visit Heaven," the old man says, opening the gate.

So for 24 hours Bush is made to hang out with a bunch of honest,
good-natured people who enjoy each other's company, talk about things
other than money, and treat each other decently. Not a nasty prank or frat boy joke among them; no fancy country clubs and, while the food tastes great, it's not caviar or lobster. And these people are all poor, he doesn't see anybody he knows, and he isn't even treated like someone special!

Worst of all, to Dubya, Jesus turns out to be some kind of Jewish hippie with his endless 'peace' and 'do unto others' jive.

"Whoa," he says uncomfortably to himself, "Pat Robertson never prepared me for this!"

The day done, St. Peter returns and says, "Well, then, you've spent a
day in Hell and a day in Heaven. Now choose where you want to live for eternity."

With the 'Jeopardy' theme playing softly in the background, Dubya
reflects for a minute, then answers: "Well, I would never have thought I'd say this -- I mean, Heaven has been delightful and all --but I really think I belong in Hell with my friends."

So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell.

The doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren
scorched earth covered with garbage and toxic industrial waste.. kind of like Houston. He is horrified to see all of his friends, dressed in rags and chained together, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. They are groaning and moaning in pain, faces and hands black with grime.

The Devil comes over to Dubya and puts an arm around his shoulder.

"I don't understand," stammers a shocked Dubya, "Yesterday I was here
and there was a golf course and a clubhouse and we ate lobster and
caviar...drank booze. We screwed around and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and everybody looks miserable!"

The Devil looks at him, smiles slyly, and purrs, "Yesterday we were
campaigning; today you voted for us."

[Dark]

48. Still worth it!

[ComerPerro]

49. GREAT joke

outstanding. Worth the read

[jeff30997]

51. I have one:

Dubya is in his big limo on a countryside road when suddenly:BAM!!!They hit something!
The driver gets out of the car to see what happened and comes back to make a report to W:"Mister president,i'm affraid we crushed a big hog who was crossing the road."
Seeing that there was a farm nearby,Dubya tells the driver to go there and explain the situation to the farmer.
Two hours later the driver comes back,all sweaty,with a big cigar in his mouth,a bottle of champagne in his hand and his clothes all messed-up!
Dubya asks:"What the hell happened?"
The driver answers:"Well sir,the farmer gave me a cigare,his wife gave me that bottle of champagne and his 19 years old daughter gave me the time of my life!"
Dubya:"What?I don't understand!What the hell did you tell them?"
The driver:"All i said was: Hi! I'm George W Bush's driver and i killed the pig!" :toast:

[BushCheatey]

52. No Carb Diet for a healthy 2004

Did you hear about the 2004 no carb diet?
NO
Chaney
Asshcroft
Rumsfeld
Bush
And DEFINITELY NO RICE!

[BushCheatey]

53. The Thinker

It started out innocently enough.
I began to think at parties now and then to loosen up. Inevitably
though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker. I began to think alone -- "to relax," I told myself-- but I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was
thinking all the time.
I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself. I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau and Kafka.
I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it
exactly we are doing here?" Things weren't going so great at home either. One evening I had turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent the night
at her mother's. I soon had a reputation as a heavy thinker. One day the boss called me in.
He said, "Skippy, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking, stop thinking on the job, or you'll have to find another job."
This gave me a lot to think about. I came home early after my conversation with the boss. "Honey," I confessed, "I've been thinking..."
"I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!"
"But Honey, surely it's not that serious." "It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver. "You think as much as college professors, and they don't make any money, so if you keep on thinking we won't have any money!" "That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently, and she began to cry. I'd had enough. "I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out
the door.
I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche, with NPR on
the radio. I roared into the parking lot and ran up to the big glass doors ...they
didn't open. The library was closed.
To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that
night. As I sank to the ground clawing at the unfeeling glass,
whimpering
for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye. "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked.

You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinker's
Anonymous poster. Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering
thinker. I never miss a TA meeting.

At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it
was"Porky's."Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting.
I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home.
Life just seemed ... easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking. And soon -- I will be able to vote Republican.

[BushCheatey]

54. Moral Dilemma

With all your honor and dignity what would you do? This test only has one
question, but it's a very important one. Please don't answer it without
giving it some serious thought. By giving an honest answer you will be able
to test where you stand morally. The test features an unlikely, completely
fictional situation, where you will have to make a decision one way or the
other.
Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.

You're in Florida, Miami to be exact. There is great chaos going on around
you, caused by a hurricane and severe floods. There are huge masses of water
all over you. You are a CNN photographer and you are in the middle of this
great disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless.
You're trying to shoot very impressive photos. There are houses and people
floating around you, disappearing into the rushing water. Nature is showing
all of its destructive power and is ripping
everything away with it. Suddenly you see a man in the water. He is fighting
for his life, trying not to be taken away by the masses of water and mud.
You move closer. Somehow the man looks familiar. Suddenly you recognize him.
IT'S GEORGE W. BUSH!!!!!! At the same time, you notice that the raging
waters are about to take him away forever. You have two options. You can
save him or you can take the best photo of your life. So, you can save the
life of George W. Bush, or you can shoot a Pulitzer Prize winning photo, a
unique photo displaying the death of one of the world's most powerful men.

HERE'S THE QUESTION, AND PLEASE GIVE AN HONEST ANSWER:
Would you select color film, or go instead with the simplicity of classic
black and white?

[othermeans]

55. Bush and Powell discussing the Iraq invasion

A reporter is sitting in a bar in Washington. He noticed two figures in the corner and recognizes them immediately as Reichsfuhrer Bush and Reichsminister Powell. "What are they doing in here?" he asks the bartender.

"They're planning the invasion of Iraq." replies the bartender

Feeling a scoop coming on he goes over to them.

"What's your plan for the invasion?" he asks Bush

"We're going to kill 10,000 Iraqi civilians and a bicycle repairman" replies Bush.

"Why are you going to kill a bicycle repairman?" inquires the reporter

Bush turns to Powell and says:
"See I told you they wouldn't care about the civilians."

[othermeans]

56. You might really be a Republican if......

You asked a homeless man with no shoes to pull himself up by his bootstraps.

[othermeans]

57. Bush and Queen Elizabeth

G.W.Bush was very depressed that people were saying he is stupid.
So he calls his good friend Queen Elizabeth, who says: "Now George, what you need to do is to surround yourself with smart people. Let me show you."
She calls Tony Blair in and asks: "Tony, your parents had a baby. It isn't your sister and it isn't your brother. Who is it?"

Tony Blair responds: "It's me, ma'am."
"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen.

She hangs up and says: "See how that works George?"
"Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"

So, upon returning to Washington, G.W. calls Dick Cheney and says: "Dick, your parents had a baby. It isn't your sister and it isn't your brother. Who is it?"
And Cheney says, "Wow, let me think about it and I'll get back to you."

So Cheney calls Colin Powell and says: "Colin, your parents had a baby. It isn't your sister and it isn't your brother. Who is it?" And Colin Powell says, "It's me, of course!"

So Cheney calls Bush and says: " I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell."
And Bush says: "No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"

[othermeans]

58. What's the difference between Elvis and a smart Republican?

There have been numerous Elvis sightings.

[othermeans]

59. Limbaugh and Kerry in a rowboat

Propaganda minister Limbaugh and John Kerry are in a rowboat when they see a little girl drowning. Limbaugh tries to save her but only manages to nearly capsize the boat. Kerry pulls him in and then proceeds to WALK across the water and save the little girl.

Next morning on the Limbaugh show Rush tells his listeners that Kerry never learned to swim the whole time he was in the Navy.

[othermeans]

60. Who's on first? With apologies to Abbot and Costello

HU'S ON FIRST
By James Sherman


(We take you now to the Oval Office.)

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?

Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new
leader of China.

George: Great. Lay it on me.

Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.

George: That's what I want to know.

Condi: That's what I'm telling you.

George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new
leader of China?

Condi: Yes.

George: I mean the fellow's name.

Condi: Hu.

George: The guy in China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The new leader of China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The Chinaman!

Condi: Hu is leading China.

George: Now whaddya' asking me for?

Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.

George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?

Condi: That's the man's name.

George: That's who's name?

Condi: Yes.

George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of
the new leader of
China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought
he was in the
Middle East.

Condi: That's correct.

George: Then who is in China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir is in China?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Then who is?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the
new leader of China.
Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.

Condi: Kofi?

George: No, thanks.

Condi: You want Kofi?

George: No.

Condi: You don't want Kofi.

George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a
glass of milk.
And then get me the U.N.

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi?

George: Milk! Will you please make the call?

Condi: And call who?

George: Who is the guy at the U.N?

Condi: Hu is the guy in China.

George: Will you stay out of China?!

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me
the guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi.

George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get
on the phone.

(Condi picks up the phone.)

Condi: Rice, here.

George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls,
too. Maybe we should
send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East.
Can you get Chinese food in
the Middle East?

[BushCheatey]

61. Heres what you tell a Repud when they get in your face

I'll embrace your elephant, If you'll kiss my ass!

[stryker18]

62. This isn't original really

But the Hate Mailbag was kind enough to oblige:

Q: What's the difference between George W. Bush and a bag of shit?
A: The bag.

*NOTE: The original joke was about Neal Boortz, but it works with anyone.

[LastDemocratInSC]

63. Ok, here's one ...

Bush calls Cheney because he is so proud of having finished a jigsaw puzzle.

"Hey, Dick", says Bush, "I am so proud because the box this puzzle came in says 5 to 8 years on the side and I finished it in just under 6 months."

Cheney sighs and says, "You are indeed a genius, George."

Bush says, "Hey, Dick, I'm having trouble with my new puzzle, though, can you help me?"

Cheney says, "Sure, George, what's your problem."

Bush says, "Well, none of the pieces fit together in any way. I didn't have this problem with the other puzzle."

Cheney says, "Well, look on the cover of the puzzle box and tell me what kind of picture you see - that should give you a hint."

Bush says, "All I see is a picture of a really big rooster."

Cheney thinks for a minute and says "George, put all the cornflakes back in the box ..."

[othermeans]

64. Thank god I was close to the bathroom

I nearly wet myself laughing.