EPA Announces Virgin-Sacrificing Plan To Slow Global Warming

[hatrack]

WASHINGTON, D.C. The Environmental Protection Agency today announced it will use an ancient technique to fight the modern threat of global warming--sacrificing virgins to appease natural forces that science can neither control nor fully understand.

"We simply don't have the technological capability or the political will to do something rational," said EPA spokesman Robert Barrett, "so we're going to drop back ten and punt." The Bush administration has used faith-based approaches in the delivery of social services, Barrett noted, and hopes to translate what it has learned in those initiatives to the realm of environmental protection.

Scientists agree that the earth's temperature increased during the past decade, but don't agree on the cause. World-wide temperatures have risen in past eras, such as the Middle Ages, when there was no burning of fossil fuels, the factor most widely cited as the cause of global warming. "That was the result of dragon flatulence," said Meyer Greenwald, a professor of environmental studes at Shimer College.

Democratic lawmakers were initially skeptical of the EPA's strategy, saying the burden of the proposal would fall disproportionately on young women. The EPA modified the plan so that male virgins would also be sacrificed. White House spokesman Tony Snow told reporters that the inclusion of males would make America "the first society in the history of the world where young men are sacrificed to the gods on an equal basis with women." The success of the movie "The 40-Year Old Virgin" has made male virgins more willing to acknowledge their status according to the Selective Service System, the federal draft agency which will handle conscription of eligible youths.

EDIT

http://www.thespoof.com/news/spoof.cfm?headline=s2i11471

[cspanlovr]

1. Your headline made the soda come out of my nose!

[hatrack]

4. My apologies to your nostrils!

Not TOO fizzy, I trust!

:toast:

[TheFarseer]

2. that wouldn't help much

It would be a few people off the roads and less people using electricity. maybe sacraficing Hummer drivers would be more effective :P

[The Straight Story]

3. Satire now....reality in the future with these dorks in charge :) (nt)

[Syncronaut Seven]

5. Fortunately, America has a huge population of teens practicing abstinence!

I say we lobby the fundys for sacrifices first.

[Dead_Parrot]

6. lol. Sounds like a plan... nt

[YankeyMCC]

7. Finally someone is doing something but then of course

we'll become dependant on our supply of virgins from unstable foreign countries.

[hatrack]

8. But Americans won't offer themselves for those sacrifices!

:evilgrin:

[gulfcoastliberal]

9. Only works if they rip their still-beating hearts from their chests.

Then throw the carcass down a pyramid.