Setting our boys up for future failure…
I remember in my pre-teen and teenage years, playing war, cops and robbers, cowboys and Indians (I always loved being the Indian), pirates, tag, dodge ball (I sucked at it), fireman, etc… I grew up ok. Sure no-one is perfect, but overall I am a very kind and social individual. I have no fantasies of world domination, or a compelling need to wipe out a mall full of people with a machine gun. There are 100 million men in this country. I’m sure that a vast majority played the exact same games as I did. I am also sure that they are well adjusted adults as well. But those are just feelings.
I grew up with other boys who all played those same games with me. None of which turned to a life of crime. The same could be said for the tens of millions of other boys that played the exact same games. But for some reason there are those in today’s day and age that “feel” that we need to suppress this type of activity and behavior in our young boys. Why? Well, several reasons and all seem well and good on paper, but I don’t think our school systems nor have some parents thought out the impact it can have on our young boys. I have been reading on the topic for quite some time and there are several authors who I’m sure could elaborate on the impact far better than I ever could.
There are several factors at work right now in America that are working towards insuring that young boys are being setup to fail in their adult life. Now I’m sure that there are some who would exclaim "Good, it’s about time that women get ahead in this society." I don’t disagree with this sentiment, but I don’t think that anyone should be "ahead" of someone else at the expense of others. I am not interested in a debate about gender politics left over from the late 70’s. Yes, the struggle for equal rights for women continues and is quite real. There is so much work yet to be done, particularly when it comes to equality in the workplace. Yes, there need to be more women in computer fields and more women in board rooms and in Congress. But we don't get there by ignoring the very real struggles of young boys.
These "activities" are not acts of violence. They are behaviors. Boys don’t just play with guns, there has to be a reason why, which I will elaborate on.
One question I would like to ask of those who do not allow toy-guns, playing war, cops and robbers, etc… Is why are you doing that? Do these games somehow corrupt our young boys? Do you view these toys as encouraging aggressive behavior and violent attitudes? Do you see them as reinforcing gender stereotypes, with boys playing with guns or swords and girls playing with dolls or cooking sets?
To those questions I would add more questions. When was the last time you really, REALLY watched a group of boys playing some form of war? For those of you who did it as a young child, I would like you to think back. In all the war games we played, how much energy was expressed in the bloody carnage and the death and destruction? How important was the "gun"? Now ask yourself how much of the focus of these games was on the drama? The Oscar nominated, over-elaborate death scenes, or the hero tossing himself on the live grenade, or taking an arrow to the chest so that others may live? How many times did you hear the statement "Go on without me!" or "Save yourselves!"? How often did they go on without you? How often did they save themselves? How much of the game revolved around children, using their imaginations to model notions of courage and sacrifice? Were we just trying to experience the emotions at the extremes of human conduct: facing and overcoming fear to remain faithful to our fellow soldiers, cowboys, Indians, pirates, etc? How much of this pretend war was simply just the timeless theme of the struggle between good and evil in the face of overwhelming odds and certain death? Looking back now, I realize that we were not playing war, we were playing hero.
Everyone by the end of the day had at minimum, 4 purple hearts, a bronze star, and a company commendation. How many times during the playing of this war, were our toy guns pointed at each other? I can vividly remember where a group of 8 of us took on an imaginary army of no less than 500 enemies. How many times in playing can you remember pulling a comrade from the battlefield, to give them medical attention so that they could get back in the war? Again we were just playing hero.
But what happens when we suppress these behaviors in young boys? In today’s day and age, we are suppressing “natural” behaviors inherent in boys. We stopped keeping scores at little league games so our little snowflakes don’t know the horrors of losing. Everybody is a winner. We don’t allow kids to play tag in school. Because God forbid little Johnny has to know what it is like to be "out". Hell, in some schools running is forbidden on the playground.
Suppressing these behaviors is just a small piece in a bigger puzzle. The outcome of which is that our young boys are being setup for failure. Not only are we suppressing their inherent behaviors by not letting our young boys play and express themselves in ways they feel are natural, we are basically telling them that how they feel is "wrong". We give them the impression that they are somehow lesser people because we demonize their behavior. So not only are we suppressing them at school, we are also suppressing them at home and on the playground. So basically, nowhere is it ok for boys to just be boys.
So what are the outcomes?
“Boys get expelled from preschool at four times the rates of girls. They are prescribed the lion's share of ADHD medication, they get most of the C's and D's in middle school, and they drop out of high school more than girls. Currently, only 43% of undergraduates in the United States are men.
Let boys be boys by simply letting them engage in the aggressive fantasies that come to them naturally.
We might see them as doing something potentially dangerous. But actually what they're doing is playing around with ideas of courage and valor, good versus evil, and teamwork. These are ideas we want to inculcate in our culture."
Peg Tyre: “The trouble with boys”
Let's examine the way our child rearing and our schools have evolved in the last 10 years. Then ask ourselves this challenging question: could some of those changes we have embraced in our families, our communities and our schools be driving our sons crazy?
Instead of unstructured free play, parents now schedule their kids' time from dawn till dusk (and sometimes beyond.) By age 4, an ever-increasing number of children are enrolled in preschool. There, instead of learning to get along with other kids, hold a crayon and play Duck, Duck, Goose, children barely out of diapers are asked to fill out work sheets, learn computation or study Mandarin. The drumbeat for early academics gets even louder when they enter "real" school. Veteran teachers will tell you that first graders are now routinely expected to master a curriculum that, only 15 years ago, would have been considered appropriate for second, even third graders. The way we teach children has changed, too. In many communities, elementary schools have become test-prep factories—where standardized testing begins in kindergarten and "teaching to the test" is considered a virtue. At the same time, recess is being pushed aside in order to provide extra time for reading and math drills. So is history and opportunities for hands-on activities—like science labs and art. Active play is increasingly frowned on—some schools have even banned recess and tag. In the wake of school shootings like the tragedy at Virginia Tech, kids who stretch out a pointer finger, bend their thumb and shout "pow!" are regarded with suspicion and not a little fear.
Our expectations for our children have been ramped up but the psychological and physical development of our children has remained about the same. Some kids are thriving in the changing world. But many aren't. What parents and teachers see—and what this government study now shows—is that the ones who can't handle it are disproportionately boys.
But when nearly one in five boys has such serious behavioral and emotional issues that their parents are talking it over with their pediatrician, you can bet we are facing a problem that requires a more fundamental change in our society than medication or weekly therapy. Let's take a moment, before the school year gets any farther underway, and ask ourselves whether we are raising and educating our boys in a way that respects their natural development. And if we are not, let's figure out how we can bring our family life and our schools back into line.
Peg Tyre: Newsweek, Sept. 8, 2008
But do yourself a favor and remember. We are/were just boys. We enjoy using our imagination. We enjoy expressing ourselves. We do it differently from girls. Don’t demonize us for just being ourselves, we should foster our imaginations not suppress them. Men are not bad, nor are we the root of all evil. We are close, but not the root.
Thank you… I’m gonna go outside and build a fort. I hear the aliens are invading earth tonight.
Also, I would like to thank the girls that played right along with us. Not the damsel in distress, not the "love interest", but the bad-ass ninja assassins, the machine gunner, the medic, the warrior, the heroine...
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