...but noone bit, leaving me feeling lonely and unwanted :cry:. This pamphlet text is tongue in cheek, for the more lighthearted occasions.
`Scuse the poor formatting, just use your imagination...
These are not your father's Republicans...
Don't be fooled. The Republicans around today are not the same
Republicans you may have voted for in the 80s. Today's Republicans
are much more reckless than the small-government types you used to
meet in college. These days, republicans are specially selected
zealots hydroponically cultivated in "think tanks" and contain ten
times the lies than they did back then -- even back in the days of
the criminally potent Nixon Administration, Republicans were nowhere
nearly as deceptive.
Consider these facts:
A typical Republican contains over 200 contributions from big
business which negatively influence good judgement.
A new method of injecting Republicans called "talking points"
causes each and every lie to be repeated tens, if not
hundreds of thousands, of times.
Worse yet, "talking points" are imported by the dozen directly
from the unlimited stockpiles of criminal organizations like
the RNC.
Republican "kool-aid" doesn't just stain the tongue anymore, it
also affects speech.
Most importantly, electing one modern-day Republican is the
equivalent of smoking two bags of crack cocaine.
Effects on recall and addiction
Republicans are suspected to affect recall in three distinct ways.
The first is called "gerrymandering" which prevents "recall
elections." The second way is electronic voting, which can also
affect "recall elections" but also ensures long-term "re-election."
The third way is the "I don't recall," developed in the early 80's
which somehow allows Republicans to lie to police, investigators,
and high ranking government officials and get away with it scott
free.
These three factors, when taken together, make it very hard to get
rid of a Republican once it has been elected. Moreover, the
election of one Republican is often followed by the election of
more, due to the reinforcing nature of the above. This makes
Republicans extremely addictive -- attempts to stop Republicans
usually result in withdrawal symptoms known as "salted earth
tactics" and can result in damage to the government and economy.
Because these effects are so unpleasant and last so long,
Republican use is often resumed before they wear off, and the
resulting negative reinforcement deepens the addictive cycle.
The "kool-aid" stain on the fabric of society.
One horrible aspect of Republicans is the wear and tear they place
on the moral fabric of our society. Leading researchers at
RedMorals.com, the top authority on this topic, have identified
over a thousand instances of Republican moral and ethical stains
that damage our government institutions, churches, schools, courts,
and very way of life. In and of itself, that's enough to make our
culture the moral equivalent of a hotel room bedsheet. And those
are just the ones that we know about!
Republicans and the black market.
Republicans and the criminal black market go hand in hand. Dealers
in Republicans have mixed dangerous "big government" ideas into the
majority of today's supply of Republicans! These ideas affect the
emotional centers of the brain, those that control knee-jerk
reactions, and are intended to get a whole new generation of users
hooked on Republicans. The user's personal life is also affected,
with government intrusion into various personal matters such as
birth control, life support, sexual behavior, public speech, and
education.
Black market forces aren't stopping there, though. Authorities
suspect plans are in the work to add the dangerous narcotic "tax
reform" to Republicans, and in fact have encountered some isolated
instances of this substance mixed into Republicans found on the
street. Though most of the samples collected have been of the
weaker "flat tax" form, some have been the stronger, and much more
deadly "national sales tax" form. By doing this, the black market
hopes to expand their smuggling network into a new and lucrative
business of "tax evasion."
Even more disturbing, scientists suspect that the combination of
the two mixers "big government" and "tax reform" will result in an
unprecidented expansion of government intrusion into personal
lives, as the natural reaction of the government to "tax evasion"
will result in an anti-smuggling operation that must, by its very
nature, examine every aspect of private commercial activity to
ensure all duties are being collected.
Sidebar: Know the street names for Republicans
Popular slang for Republicans includes: Reds, freepers, neocons,
PNAC, YAFs, and goppers
Sidebar: Parents -- know the signs. Is your kid messing with Republicans?
Republicans are especially dangerous to our young adults. Early
exposure to Republicans before our young workers' retirement
benefits have started to mature can cause such risky behavior as
private accounts, or corporate-held benefits, which often result in
horrible stock losses and sometimes even complete loss of life
savings. While even older, retired people can experience this
"Enron syndrome," people with only ten years or so in the workforce
are especially vulnerable.
You can protect your children by being vigilant for the following 6
signs of hard-core Republicans:
1) Violent or emotional outbursts when hearing any criticism
whatsoever of George W. Bush.
2) Unjustified, fallacious, and deeply personal attacks on people
accusing them of "supporting the terrorists" regardless of whether
they are a war veteran, public official, esteemed judiciary, highly
respected professional, religious authority, or just all around
nice sort of fellow.
3) A loss of all senses, including reason, whenever a Republican
kool-aid stain is exposed. A hard-core Republican will even go
so far as to hide the truth in his bedroom closet or underwear
drawer so he doesn't have to face up to it.
4) Classic Freudian projection. This well-known phenominon is
carried to extremes by Republicans, and consists the Republican
accusing another person for something he just did, which can be
confusing because it happens whether or not anyone knows what
exactly it is that the Republican just did.
5) A tendency to tell others what to do and how to live, without
following their own advice. The most prevalant manifestation of
this symptom is called "yellow elephant syndrome" due to the
presence of several yellow magnets on the ass-end of their car
and simultaneous complete absence of an armed forces base pass
sticker on any of the windows.
6) A near-religious belief that the "economy is doing great"
accompanied with risky deficit spending.
Sidebar: Kids -- are your parents into Republicans?
Sometimes it is up to the kids to fight Republicans in their own
family. Republicans can cause severe trauma to kids, so it is
important that they be encouraged to stand up and end the cycle of
bully behavior. Fortunately, it is easy to detect. Kids should be
on the lookout for these four signs of cronic adult Republicans and
should try to get their parents some professional help if they see
this sort of behavior.
1) FOX news is the only news station ever watched on TV.
2) The radio dial in the family car is set to a station that has a
crazy sounding man who yells the word "lib-rul" a lot.
3) Teens in the house are not allowed to listen to the Dixie
Chicks, and not allowed to watch any movie with Janeane Garofalo
in it.
4) Saying the words "Bill Clinton" results in a lot of yelling, and
perhaps corporal punishment.
...gotta work up some small-type footnotes with amusing attributed quotes in them.
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