Light Humor -- A Layman's Guide to the Valerie Plame Affair

Garrison Keillor, http://prairiehome.publicradio.org/features/deskofgk/2005/old_scout/07/26.shtml

A Layman's Guide to the Valerie Plame Affair
July 19, 2005,
I feel it's time for me to step forward and tell what I know about Karl Rove's conversation with columnist Robert Novak in which Mr. Novak reportedly told Mr. Rove that CIA operative Valerie Plame had been responsible for her husband Joseph Wilson going to Niger to debunk the White House's claim that Saddam Hussein was shopping for uranium in Africa to make nuclear weapons and that's why we invaded Iraq, and Mr. Rove said, "Yes, I've heard that, too." Mr. Rove has been accused of revealing the identity of a covert intelligence officer. This simply isn't true.

I happened to be in Mr. Rove's office when the phone rang. I was there on behalf of my publisher, to see if Mr. Rove knows enough to make him worth a $6 million advance on his memoirs. (Answer: Not really.) He picked up the phone and the voice at the other end sounded like a rat trapped in a coffee can. "Novak," whispered Mr. Rove and he pretended to stick a finger down his throat. He listened for several minutes. "Yes, I've heard that, too," he said.

...This raised a question in my mind: Did Rove know Ms. Plame had taken the identity of Mr. Cheney during an arrhythmia episode at Walter Reed and that a heavily sedated vice president had been flown by the CIA to Riyadh as Ms. Plame donned a latex-padded suit and took his place? She quickly discovered that the uranium was stored at the Whitewater property once owned by the Clintons and then deeded to Kofi Annan and used as a supply depot for black helicopters. She tried to warn Mr. Clinton and the next day he had that mysterious "bypass" operation after which he suddenly got chummy with ex-CIA chief George H.W. Bush and the two flew off to Southeast Asia like in an old Crosby/Hope "Road" picture.

New York Times columnist William Safire was the first to spot the womanly tenderness in the vice president's eyes, and he called Mrs. Cheney to ask if Rosebud had been infiltrated. She denied everything. She also said she had "never been happier."

...

The urine samples turned up, not in Iraq but at Plymouth Rock, the urine of a white male between 50 and 65 with thinning hair and a cherubic smile. Don't ask me how I know—wild horses couldn't drag that out of me.

Read the rest. This guy is CLEVER!