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Reagan's Middle Name Was Disaster!
By I. Fester Auspice
Sep 19, 2005, 20:34
Dateline: Somewhere in New Orleans
I drove all night to get to New Orleans to report on this calamity of biblical proportions. Well, not exactly all night, because I stopped over in Memphis, Tennessee for about 5 days and 4 nights, before my luck ran out at the craps table and my old double-knit trousers were depleted of cash. Oh what a 5 day and 4 night breather this old scribe had in Elvis town! I partied on Beale Street with some lovely ladies and had my fill of women and J&B Scotch!
Where was I? Oh yeah, I , like President Bush, was a little slow in grasping the extent of the damage that had befallen the city of New Orleans. Yes, just like President Bush, I had to have my assistant compile a DVD of recent liberal media newscasts so I could get up to speed on the subject. Sadly, I left the DVD in my hotel in Memphis, and mistakenly brought the xxx rated military film "Saving Ryan's Privates" which shows the horrors of war, as well as some great gang bangs and girl on girl fun!
As I sat in my 1966 Dodge Trailwagon watching "Saving Ryan's Privates" I could see the whores - I mean the horrors of the last few weeks of flood. The mud, the water, the muck, all of these things were before my eyes as I gazed out my van's window. I wanted to do something, to help these people. I wanted to make a difference in their lives. So I reached up and retrieved my trusty 16 ounce Fred Flintstone commemorative glass. I then deftly poured J&B scotch up past Fred's ankles, past his waist, on up past Fred's navel, upward past Fred's expose tit, until I reached the top of Fred's hairline. There, I stopped pouring and I slowly took hold of Fred and said,"Yabba-dadda-do to you New Orleans. President Bush was slow about getting here, and so was I. Now, is not the time to point accusing fingers; nor to give the finger to President Bush. We must find a way to cut taxes and bring morals and values back to New Orleans...." I said in a toast.
As I soaked down the J&B I thought of times gone by, of things long ago, of faces and places, and the times I spent with Ronald Wilson Reagan.....
"I. Fester, the invasion of Grenada is near and. . .ah, hey! What was I talking about?" President Reagan asked as he and I stood looking out of the Oval Office window. I started to answer him, when he looked me straight in the eyes - the way Reagan always looked at a man when he wanted to get his point across.
"Disaster, now there is something that doesn't sound good. Disaster, sounds bad. I remember back during World War II - I was in the Army then in Hollywood making V.D. films - I saw disaster first hand, I saw the effects of crabs, crotch lice, and hammer head clap. I remember my most successful film was probably 'Bonzo Gets Bullhead Clap' I remember I told someone that I was profoundly influenced by these films and that I felt proud to be informing our fighting men about V.D." He said as he looked at me with those steel blue eyes of his.
I was moved. I stood looking at Reagan - eye to eye - and I could see that he really believed that his effort actually did some good. I stood in total awe.
"Disaster. . .that's my middle name." President Reagan sound with a slight quiver of anticipation.
"What is the proper response of a government when disasters happen?" I asked in total respect, shock and awe of him.
"What?" President Reagan asked of me.
"Yes, what is the proper response." I responded.
"Who's on first - not what." He replied.
"No sir, what is the proper.. . ." I started to ask, but Reagan interupted.
"Who's on first and What's on second!" He said with a tone that reflected his anger. Then he added, "Tax cuts! Damn the torpedos and cut taxes somewhere! Look, it's Bonzo! " President Reagan exclaimed, and then ran out of the Oval Office into the Rose Garden looking for his famed monkey co-star.
As I look out my van window today I think of Reagan. I think of how he would approve of how President Bush has stood strong and defiant in reacting to this disaster. Sure, some will say that President Bush was slow to react, slow to understand the magnitude of Katrina's devastation. But, through it all President Bush has stood - watching and waiting - and he, like Reagan, knows that it is time to cut taxes!
"Show me your tits!" I yelled out of my van's window at a passing young lass. Then I threw her some beads and I continued in my quest to bring back morals and values to New Orleans.
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