The 25 Things You Need To Believe To Be A Republican

[Mark E. Smith]

1) Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.

2) George W. Bush is essential to the success of the war on terror, but the continuing ability of al Qaeda to kill our people nearly 5 years after 9-11 cannot be judged as being incompetence or failure.

3) Saddam was a good guy when Ronald Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Dick Cheney did business with him, and a bad guy when George W. Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.

4) If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.

5) Republicans are strong fiscal conservatives, but the near-exponential growth in the national debt during a time when they controlled all aspects of our national government is due to bad luck.

6) You are entitled to receive government entitlements whenever you feel you need them, but you should never be expected to pay the taxes necessary to sustain them. Better to just borrow the money from Communist China.

7) Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a conservative radio host. Then it is an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery.

8) God visited His wrath upon New Orleans because it was a city filled with sin.

9) Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in our schools.

10) The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.

11) A woman cannot be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting anyone without regulation.

12) The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops during carefully staged military photo-ops, while at the same time slashing combat pay and restricting veterans' benefits.

13) Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy, but to do the same for Americans in socialism. HMOs and insurance companies have the best interests of the public at heart.

14) The war in Iraq is not about oil. Those who believe it is do so because they hate America.

15) God talks to George W. Bush, but somehow forgot to tell His confidant about 9-11, Katrina, and the possibility that a war in Iraq would be long, bloody and without any real possibility of victory.

16) A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense, but a president lying to enlist public and Congressional support for a war in which 10s of thousands will die is solid defense policy.

17) Government should limit itself to the powers expressly named in the Constitution, and that includes banning Gay marriage, censoring the internet, and using secret Federal agencies to spy on U.S. citizens without court sanction.

18) The Islamist government recently elected in Iraq is a giant step towards democracy there. And even though it is run Shi'ite fundamentalists with close ties to those in power in Tehran, they will never try and align themselves with Iran.

19) What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant.

20) Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is Communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.

21) A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, then suggest that they are soft on terrorism when they do not supply us with troops and money.

22) Nothing really matters because the time of the Apocalypse is drawing near.

23) Saddam Hussein provided the money and training necessary to carry out the 9-11 terror attacks on America.

24) President Bush was a distinguished fighter pilot during the Vietnam era, but John Kerry's combat medals were not earned, rather they were given to him as an act of favoritism.

25) George W. Bush is a strong, competent and visionary leader fully in charge of the office of President of the United States.

[ruggerson]

1. #26 - The Southern states represent family values

even though the bible belt has the highest divorce rate in the nation.

[long_green]

4. #27 Government should stay out of private enterprise

but should by God race to the rescue with taxpayer dollars when the unregulated industries run themselves into a ditch.

[jansu]

2. A great beginning.

You could write a book on this subject.

#27. Too much education is a bad thing.

#28. Critical thinking is unwise.

[Mark E. Smith]

11. I was at a birthday party for kids yesterday

My 4 year old got an invite from his pal whose birthday it was. His dad, who I will admit throws a good kiddie birthday party, is pretty much the local angry Pentacostal Evangeleist whatever. As the conversation drifted ever so slightly towards something to do with current events, his remark was something along the lines of: "Give me a second so I can invent a scientific argument to rebut that."

#30) Science is an invention by secular humanists created to deny the existence of God.

[Arkansas Granny]

3. Very good. Along the same lines (sorta), have you seen this?

http://www.chickenhawkcards.com/

[AX10]

5. As ruggerson said...

"The Southern states represent family values even though the bible belt has the highest divorce rate in the nation."

...and let the record show that the state with the LOWEST RATE OF ABORTION,
HIGHEST RATE OF MARRIAGE, and NUMBER 1 PUBLIC SCHOOL SYSTEM IS.......


!!!MASSACHUSSETTS!!!

[ruggerson]

6. What's amazing to me is that this is not TRUMPETED to rebut

the bullshit from the religious rightwingers.

And additionally, while Massachussetts is #1, the other top 5 or 6 are ALL the New England states (Conn, Maine, Vermont, Rhode Island and New Hampshire) which are routinely demonized by the bible belt hypocrites as being too "liberal" and "out of touch".

To paraphrase George CLooney: if being "out of touch" means having the lowest divorce rate, the best schools, the most educated kids and the highest standard of living, I'm quite comfortable being "out of touch."

[AX10]

9. I agree 100%!

[Fritz67]

7. Heh Heh...I love these threads...

I know I've seen ones like it before, but it's still fun.

Here's some more. Some I found other places, some I made up myself. A couple may be a little dated now, but I figure anyone on this board is in the know enough to know what they're saying...

29* Government should relax regulation of Big Business and Big Money but crack down on individuals who use marijuana to relieve the pain of illness.

30* “Standing Tall for America” means firing your workers and moving their jobs to India.

31* Group sex and drug use are degenerate sins unless you someday run for governor of California as a Republican.

32* HMOs and insurance companies have the interest of the public at heart.

33* Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy. Providing health care to all Americans is socialism.

34* Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.

35* The public has a right to know about Hillary’s cattle trades, but George Bush’s driving record is none of our business.

36* You support states’ rights, which means Attorneys General John Ashcroft and alberto Gonzales can tell states what local voter initiatives they have a right to adopt.

37* Ordering the plug pulled on a brain dead spouse is an Affront to the Culture of Life, unless the one ordering the plug pulled is Tom Delay's mather.

38* Ruling against the discrimination of gays is unrestrained judicial activism; the Supreme Court giving the 2000 election to a Republican who got a half million less votes is a proper use of judicial power.

39* Questioning John Kerry's Purple Heart for getting shot at in Vietnam is a valid political issue. Questioning George W. Bush's attendance record in the Air National Guard is a liberal smear campaign.

40* The Geneva Convention is "quaint"

41* Political discourse has gone rotten in this country, and Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, Bill O'Reilly, and Ann Coulter are right to blame it all on those filthy evil America-hating terrorist-loving liberals.

42* Bill Clinton was a draft dodger for not serving in Vietnam. But it was okay for Dick Cheney, George W. Bush, Rush Limbaugh, Newt Gingrich, Clarence Thomas, Dan Quayle, Tom Delay, and Pat Buchanan to not go.

43* The Bush Administration relying on erroneous information to get us into a war is excusable. Newsweek running an article based on erroneus information that causes a riot is not.

44* Filibustering to stop civil rights legislation was a proper exercise of minority power in parliamentary procedures. Filibustering Bush's anti-civil rights judges is an affront to the democratic process.

45* Giving government money to the poor is socialism. Giving government money to the rich is providing incentives for economic development.

46* Watergate burglar G. Gordon Liddy is a hero. "Deep Throat" Mark Felt is a traitor.

47* Amending the Constitution to outlaw flag burning is a good way to uphold our traditions of freedom of speech

48*Cindy Sheehan is disrespecting her son's memory by speaking out against the war that killed him, and we're sure he wouldn't have any problem with Bush supporters calling her "Ditch Bitch" and smearing her with every dirty trick in the book.

49*George Bush invading Iraq in response to 9/11 had nothing to do with PNAC, the failure to find Bin Laden, and oil. Clinton sending a surgical strike than nearly took out Bin Laden in 1998 was just to distract from the Monica Lewinski scandal.


50*The high gas prices are because of Environmentalist Whackos; the fact that oil companies are making obscene record profits does not mean they are gouging the hell out of us.

51*George Bush saying God speaks to him means he's a deeply religious man. Osama Bin Laden saying God speaks to him means he's a dangerous lunatic.

52*Outlawing torture will hurt us in our War On Terror.

53*Asking John Roberts or Sam Alito about whether their faith affect their judicial decisions is religious bigotry. But it's okay for us the assure the Christian Right that Harriet Miers was one of them, and would've decided cases accordingly..

54*Keeping documents about Supreme Court nominees away from the Senate is essential, but it's okay for religious leaders like James Dobson to have information about them they're "not at liberty to talk about"

55*It was completely justified for Ken Starr to go after Bill Clinton for his affair with Monica Lewinski, but Patrick Fitzgerald is just being a political tool for hassling Karl Rove and Lewis Libby just because some CIA agent got outed.

56*The discrepancies between the exit polls and vote results in the 2004 vote in the Ukraine were signs of vote fraud. The discrepancies between the exit polls and the vote results in the 2004 US Presidential election were signs that something was wrong with the exit polls.

57*The Constitution, especially those pesky First, Fourth, and Thirteenth Amendments, gets in the way of protecting our freedoms.

[Ian David]

8. #28 Government should be just small enough to fit in your bedroom.

[Ian David]

10. #29 A man fired for incompetence running horse shows is a great choice...

to protect our country in a time of disaster. By that same token, The Catholic Church, responsible for conducting an organized program of facilitating and concealing the rapes of children, should be considered an authority in the care and adoption of children. The country of Dubai, who the 9-11 commission cites as complicit in the September 11th attacks, should be trusted to make our ports safer. A company found guilty of disinterring Jewish corpses and feeding them to wild pigs is the perfect choice to collect and count dead bodies in the wake of Hurricane Katrina. And a man who deserted the Air National Guard during a time of war, showing-up only when he needed a dentist, is the right man to be our commander-in-chief and keep our country safe.

[Lydia Leftcoast]

12. Here's one I noticed:

Rush Limbaugh, FOX News, and the like raged on for about ten years without a discouraging word from the MSM, but the minute Air America went on, MSM pundits started shaking their heads about how political discourse in this country had become "rude" and "course."

[Rocknrule]

13. You forgot

Hitler was right after all

[LynneSin]

14. Here's one: THe government should MYOB when it comes to guns but

it's their business when it comes to what a woman does with her own body