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If the Rethugs ad-makers were all hit with Cherry-flavored Extreme Truth Serum, this is what their ad would say: (Additional comments in italics )
Announcer: September 11th changed our country. And it changed how America responds to terrorists. And it gave us a lovely new coloring scheme for showing which days were terrorist-light and which days were terrorist-heavy so we could plan a wardrobe with ot without gas masks and duct tape. Nobody ever remembers to thank us for this. It sometimes gets us down.
President Bush is working to keep American families safe. Sort of. If you discount all those people made homeless and jobless by Katrina. But they don't count because they deserved it and a lot of them are minorities. So, we can really just ignore them and go back to worrying about The Haves and The Have Mores. Like America should.
Passing the PATRIOT Act which has disrupted over one hundred and fifty terrorist threats and cells making sure the US is monitoring terrorist communications. And we don't have to actually tell you which operations that we conducted actually resulted in terrorist convictions, cuz, ahm, that would show we made the numbers up. We could have claimed 200 threats, but it seemed a bit overdone, so we settled on 150. It seems like a nice scary number, but not too scary.
But some Democrats are working against these efforts to secure our country, opposing the PATRIOT Act and terrorist surveillance program. Their leader is Russ Feingold. He eats babies. Seriously, we saw him just last week order a Salad with Fried Baby on the side at the Democratic Cafeteria. We believe that life begins at conception and ends when the batteries run out on the ventilator. He eats babies. Who you gonna trust, him, the baby-eater, or the ones who are pro-life, pro-torture and pro the good clean fun of war.
Now Feingold and other Democrats want to censure the President. Publicly reprimanding President Bush for pursuing suspected members of al Qaeda. This is horrible and traitorous and if it was up to us we would have Dems who talk like this strung up on the Mall in Washington so decent, humble and honorable citizens could whack them publicly with sticks. This is what our Puritan ancestors used to do and they founded a nation conceived in liberty and dedicated to the proposition that whacking people with views opposed to the Great Leader is a Constitutional way of showing you love God. It's the American Way.
Some Democrats are even calling for President Bush’s impeachment. Is this how Democrats plan to win the War on Terror? We told you back at the Republican Convention that the Democrats planned on using spitballs to win the WOT. Now, they've updated their plan to include things like Impeachment to get the job done. Impeachment and spitballs, tsk, tsk, tsk, that is no way to kill, main, torture and intimidate people. Only Republicans know how to do those things and they can't be done with wussies tools like spitballs and impeachment. Tell Sen. Feingold that real men fight with guns, water boards and those little stakes they put under people's fingernails. Impeachment is for those kids who nobody ever chose for basketball in gym class in high school. Yeah, it still hurts. A lot.
Call Russ Feingold and ask him why he’s more interested in censuring the President than protecting our freedom. And tell him that free countries do not hold their leaders responsible for their illegal actions. Only wussy nations like Canada and Lichtenstein do that and nobody takes them seriously in the world. What kind of an impression do we make on the terrorists when we have Senators publicly asking that people be held accountable for their actions. This causes the terrorists to laugh so hard they end up splitting their pants. It's terrible to be laughed at by terrorists. What is Mr. Feingold thinking putting us through that? We are just trying to make an evil living here, we don't need this kind of stress. It's hard enough with all the indictments and hurricanes and Ports Deals and everything. Give us a break, we're only inhuman.
Paid for by the Republican National Committee. The Republican National Committee is responsible for the content of this advertising. (Well, not all of it.)
Btw, for the benefit of the humor-impaired, this is satire. (I have to write this line, there have been letters.)
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