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Edited on Wed Apr-05-06 03:50 PM by The Donkey
Now that John McCain has essentially tossed any shred of credibility out the window in his effort to placate the far right wing, I suggest that he just give completely in and speak to every group left in the country that thrives on intolerance. Here's how I envision such an exchange:
Dear Senator MkKain,
It was with both surprise and interest that I learned of your eager willingness to become the kommencement speaker for this year’s graduating klass at Liberty University. My friends and I have long been fans of that fine institution of higher learning, and have always been a supporter of Reverend Jerry Falwell. His lifelong intolerance of people who differ from him in even the slightest of ways makes him one of the great Amerikans of our generation.
There was a time when I (and my fellow kompadres) didn’t like you, because you refused to kater to all of our whims in order to get elected. Heck, even George Bush spoke at Bob Jones University (which is our second favorite kollege after Falwell’s Liberty). Why do we like BJU so much? Because they banned interracial dating! We like to think of romance like laundry: before you klean your klothes, you separate the kolors from the whites. Even slightly off-whites have no business in that washing machine when there’s white involved – this way you save on your bleach bill.
None of us has ever formally studied the Bible (although we take one with us everywhere for effect), but we’re pretty sure that Jesus agrees with us on this one.
Anyway, since it seems as though you’ve decided to toss all of your dignity out the window in order to only slightly increase your chances of getting a few more konservative votes, how’s about speaking at our graduation? We have a fresh young batch of recruits that have gone through several weeks of hazing and brainwashing to achieve full member status with our little group. Don’t worry! Nobody’s going to be there with a video kamera or a tape rekorder to catch you in the act of telling all of us how great we are. Trust me – we don’t want to be identified for who we really are as much as you do since we’re a sekret society and all.
Good luck with your speech, Senator, and welcome aboard! We’re happy to have you join us - just do us a favor and leave any sense of your former kredibility at the door.
Sincerely,
Kindly, Kissing Keisters Goes Underneath You (Though Having Electoral Wins Is Zesty)
Dear KKK GUY (THE WIZ),
While I offer a sincere THANK YOU FOR YOUR INVITATION to speak at your group’s graduation, I’m afraid that I must decline. You see, I can tell by your letter that you belong to a group that I WOULD not LIKE TO BE A PART OF. YOUR GRADUATION CEREMONY, while important, is not the sort of thing that a sitting United States Senator would have anything to do with, especially one who has plans to run for President someday.
I would appreciate it IF YOU WOULD PLEASE refrain from contacting my office again, even if you wanted to GIVE ME some sort of gift or advice. Technically, since you don’t live in my state (heck, I bet that THE TIME zone where you live is different than mine) I can’t even consider you a constituent of mine. AND furthermore, even if I wanted to attend your sad little “event”, because of my busy legislative and travel schedule I likely couldn’t find a DATE where I’d be available anyway. I’LL probably end up being busy for the foreseeable future, and cannot ATTEND anything on my own time unless it’s approved by my official scheduler.
I assumed that groups like yours no longer even existed. I’M SORRY that people like you are still around today. I’m just glad that you live far away from Arizona, sir. If you lived within an influential distance TO MY CONSTITUENTS, they’d likely drive you out of this state in no time. I NO LONGER HAVE ANY tolerance for people such as yourself. You make me sick, and I hope that your group disbands quickly, before the authorities find out about you. Why can’t you just learn to accept others? Honestly, there’s no loss of PRIDE OR DIGNITY in accepting that we are all Americans, and that we all have the same hopes for our families, regardless of the color of our skin.
BUT PLEASE rest assured, your days are numbered. You STILL have time to let go of your hatred and enjoy a normal productive life if you so choose. This manner of your thinking is counterproductive at best. I’d like to offer you this little piece of advice: become a decent productive member of your community! Join a community group, work hard, VOTE regularly, attend church, and join the rest of our society by becoming the best person you can. It may sound crazy to you now, but you’ll thank me later. As FOR ME, I’ll continue to be the straight-talking, truth-telling pillar of honesty and integrity that you’ve come to know and love. My supporters don’t expect ANYthing less. That’s just not my WAY.
SINCERELY,
JOHN McCAIN
Hint: try reading just the bolded words. . . . .
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