And God spake all these words, saying,

"Listen with your heart and stop screwing around with everything I say. There are people the world over constantly babbling to Me about one thing or another and I want you ALL to shut up and listen for a change."

I am the LORD thy God, which have brought thee out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of bondage. "Do you want to know why I brought humanity out of bondage? It's because I detest slavery and oppression in all forms. Making others work long hours for pennies to enhance profits is bondage. I didn't drag you sorry butts out of Egypt to allow you to enslave others. If slavery was okay with Me you would still be working 24/7 under the Pharaohs whip."

1. Thou shalt have no other gods before me. "What's so tricky about this one? Are you too stupid to realize that I don't want you worshiping money, flags or each other? I existed long before you idiots stood upright and I'll be here long after you blow yourselves to smithereens, so stop recreating Me in your ridiculous image."

2. Thou shalt not take the name of the LORD thy God in vain. "So stop feeding your own DAMN vanity as you claim it's in My name. When I say 'damn' I'm not bluffing, so watch it buster! This Commandment has little to do with cussing. It is not only vain but also profane to link My name with the hate and horror of war, jihad, crusades or anything else inherently evil."

3. Remember the sabbath day, to keep it holy. "and remember why I brought you out of Egypt. I know some call Sunday the sabbath and others believe it falls on Saturday. Just to be safe, take both days off, with full pay. By the way, I don't mind if DeLay plays golf six days a week, if you fools are willing to pay him to do it but, like all of you, he needs to spend one day a week with his family praying and he better pray a lot."

4. Honour thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long upon the land which the LORD thy God giveth thee. "I gave you not only the land but also the seas. You are My care-takers of the planet. What have you done with my creation? You are a bunch of spoiled brats and I'm not going to clean up your mess. You made the mess. Now, you can clean it up. I am your FATHER and the Earth is your MOTHER. Honor us."

5. Thou shalt not kill. "What don't you understand with this one? I made myself perfectly clear. If I meant 'murder,' I'd have carved it in stone instead of saying 'kill.' This Commandment is not open for interpretation. Earlier in the Book, I said let humanity 'have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth.' Genesis does not mean you have some Divine right to wipe out a whole species. Take only what you need to survive and let the rest thrive. If I didn't want a particular species on Earth, it would not be there for you to annihilate. Now, let's deal with these absurd 'Holy Wars' once and for all. If I wanted killings during war-time to be excluded from My Commandment, I'd have carved it right into the granite slab. By the way, I noticed you fools had smashed those slabs to bits not long after Moses got down the hill and read them. You just could not wait to jump into the first over-zealous killing spree, could you?"

6. Thou shalt not commit adultery. "I'm pretty straight-forward here. If you are in a monogamous relationship stay there and work it out. A new spouse will not fix issues innate within you. If you take some responsibility for your issues and mistakes, I bet that spouse or lover will do the same. When you feel love, you hear Divinity. Why not just shut up and listen for a change."

7. Thou shalt not steal. "You idiots are certainly having trouble with this one. As the Ultimate Creator, I made you creative in My image and you have certainly exceeded My wildest expectations in creating new ways to rob each other."

8. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor. "You certainly got creative with this one. What is this White Lie crap I keep hearing about. If you hold public office and feel you must lie, get the hell out of office and I don't cuss. I mean 'HELL' literally. I'm watching you buster and I'm not as forgiving on Judgment Day as you will want Me to be."

10. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's house, thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor any thing that is thy neighbor's. "Moses was standing on top of one of the biggest oil fields in the world when he told you this Commandment. Did you think coveting oil was okay? There is not enough stone on Earth for Me to list all the things you fools covet. Once you idiots start coveting something the next thing you do is break a Commandment to get it. Grow up you spoiled brats and stop coveting the 'END OF TIME.' I'll decide when it's time to pick up all the marbles and go home. If I wanted you morons to know when existence was going to happen, I'd have carved it into stone. Doomsday prophets are a dime a dozen and I reserved a special place for these 'false prophets' in the afterlife. Now, all of you just shut up and play nice."

I HOPE YOU FUNDAMENTALISTS ARE HAPPY BECAUSE YOU'VE FINALLY PISSED GOD OFF

And God spake all these words, saying,

keep my commandments.