Onion: All seven Democrats somehow lost Democratic primaries

[Cannikin]

WASHINGTON, DC—In a surprising last-minute upset, all seven Democratic presidential hopefuls somehow lost the Democratic primaries Tuesday.

"While it's true that the Democratic Party has been struggling to find a strong voice, you can imagine our surprise when results indicated that John Kerry, Howard Dean, Wesley Clark, Joe Lieberman, and John Edwards all failed to carry a single primary," American Research Group political analyst Dick Bennett said late Tuesday. "Oh, and Al Sharpton and Dennis Kucinich, too."

Primaries were held in Delaware, Missouri, Arizona, Oklahoma, and South Carolina, with no single Democratic candidate coming in higher than second place.

Experts are still unsure exactly how Kerry, whom many considered the frontrunner after strong showings in Iowa and New Hampshire, lost to, and along with, every other Democratic candidate.

Above: President Bush watches the results
of Tuesday's primaries on television.

Aggregate results from the five states, with all districts reporting, show Kerry leading the other candidates, but at a distant second.

"We're going to keep fighting," Kerry said. "I'm not going to throw in the towel just because I have no idea how it is even remotely possible for all of us to lose our own primary."

Sabato added: "Anyway, in a political era during which Bush can get into the White House with fewer votes than his opponent, even a loss of this magnitude doesn't mean the race is over."

http://www.theonion.com/4005/top_story.html


I highly recommend the rest of the article. Sometimes a good dose of the Onion is just what I need to break some tension.

[Moderator]

1. Locking...

This article is better suited for the Lounge because it is satire. Unfortunately this article is already posted in the Lounge.

I am sorry,

DU Moderator