|
I'm turning myself in. By the time you read this, I'll probably either be on my way to Gitmo, or successfully flushed by the Bush Administration down Winston Smith's Memory Hole. You see, I'm guilty of exactly the same thing the seven alleged "terraists" in Florida have been accused of.
I admit it, I've plotted crimes. I've even conspired with other people about them. I'm guilty of plans to blow up skyscrapers, rob banks, murder, wage religious war, and most recently, pull off a Columbine-style school shooting. And I've gotten about as far in all those schemes as the Liberty Seven have.
You see, I'm a writer.
That's right. I write sketches, plays, novels, and short little humorous snippets. And a number of them entail acts similar to what the Liberty Seven (as they are fast becoming known) are accused of plotting.
For my most recent novel, Rumpled Trenchcoats and Rubber Bullets (currently looking for a publisher), I meticulously laid out a plan for four boys to pull off a school shooting, take on fake identities, and escape across the Canadian border. I went through enough detail in my planning (so it would show in their planning) that I could conceivably do the same exact thing myself. Of course, I have neither the means nor the desire to do so, but I've still plotted it.
And yes, I conspired with others in this plotting. They're members of those insidious creations, writers' groups. We sat around tables, quietly sipping coffee (although not singing the Folger's "Happy Morning" song as we did so), and discussed how my boys could conceivably get away with their crime. We also discussed how one writer's doctor could successfully head off a tuleremia outbreak, and how another's protagonist could kill the man who turned her into a vampire.
These kinds of actions must not be tolerated!
What do we know about the Liberty Seven? They were seven people pissed off at George Bush and his little war of aggression, like my friends and I are. They talked theoretically about how to pull off terrorist acts. So have we. And they acted on....
...huh? They didn't act?
Well, they were stockpiling arms and bombs and....
...huh? They weren't?
Well, they were preparing to....
...huh? They hadn't made any preparations at all?
Gee, maybe I'm even more guilty than they are! Crap! Come and get me, Georgie! I'm at work right now, so I'll be easy to find.
All we really know is that they had ideas. We all have ideas. And an FBI agent, possibly even an agent provocateur, "infiltrated" their group and got wind of their schemes. He claimed to be connected to al Quaeda, and offered them help. After that, it's all hearsay. They'd done nothing but talk. My crime is worse: I committed my thoughts to paper.
Ladies and Gentlemen, barring some huge discovery (and from what we've been told, there won't be one) these seven people are guilty of nothing but thoughtcrime. When the mere thought of how to pull off a crime becomes enough of an excuse for an FBI agent to smash down your door, without knocking I might add (thanks Sammy Alito!), and haul you away, we are setting the bar dangerously low. My discussions last year with a theater friend about doing a production of Julius Caesar in modern dress and with "Caesar/Pompey" election posters in the "Bush/Cheney" font suddenly becomes plotting the assassination of our Fearless Leader.
Think twice, while you still can think. Do we really want to go down this road?
Consider it carefully, George, because by these standards you're going to have to arrest your own mother. If she is like any other pregnant woman I know of, when she first discovered she was carrying you the idea of an abortion briefly passed her mind, most likely for only a split second but passed nonetheless. That's a retroactive attempt to kill the President of the United States.
At least by the standards you're setting with the Liberty Seven, it is.
We can talk about it more when you come to pick me up. 40 West Landis Avenue, Vineland, NJ. My assistant manager is prepared to take over when you arrest me. But he's a writer, too, so maybe I'd better call in some backup. Oh, the things you have to worry about as a small businessman.
|