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Helpful Hints for the GOP
By Nancy Greggs
With the Democrats in charge of the House and Senate, 2007-08 is going to be a bumpy ride for your party. In the spirit of bi-partisan cooperation (which you are all now embracing so fervently, you’d think your political lives depended on it), I’d like to offer a few suggestions on how to deal with the rocky road ahead.
Important First Step!: Be Kind, Rewind
I realize FOX-News was simply trying to be helpful, but in the week leading up to the mid-term elections, they often identified whoever was ahead in a particular race with an (R), even though many of them were Democrats.
As a result, many of your supporters are not aware of the fact that you are no longer in control of the House and the Senate. A newsletter may be in order to correct this misapprehension. Break it to them gently – a lot of your folks are known to be armed and extremely dangerous.
HOW TO HANDLE THE UPCOMING INVESTIGATIONS/HEARINGS
Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire
Perjury carries stiff penalties. When you are placed under oath to give evidence on Republican wrongdoing, it is better to take advantage of your right not to incriminate yourself than to lie – even though the latter comes naturally to most of you.
Remember: “Ask your lawyer if taking the 5th is right for you!”
Loose Lips Sink Ships
As the upcoming investigations get underway, be cautious about what you say in telephone conversations with colleagues. If the BushCo ship starts going down, they won’t want to go down alone – and thanks to your support of warrantless wiretapping, the administration is free to listen-in!
Money Talks
Yes, money talks – and sometimes it absolutely screams. If you can’t afford your current lifestyle on your legitimate salary, now’s the time to dump the mansion and the yacht. Those extra bucks from bribe-taking can no longer be counted on to cover that second mortgage, because someone will definitely be watching.
Shocking as it may seem, Democrats actually take ethical behavior seriously.
Don’t Procrastinate!
Like last-minute War-on-Christmas shopping, putting off the destruction of evidence invariably ends in tears.
Professional document-shredding companies are gearing up for their busiest season ever. Be sure to book their services early!
LOOKING FORWARD - THE 2008 ELECTIONS
An Ounce of Prevention
Gays look, sound, and behave just like everyone else, and that makes it difficult to weed them out of your party before they’re publicly exposed – which can really cost you with the Fundies.
Jerry Falwell’s ability to spot the gay TeleTubby is now legendary, and radio host Michael Medved was recently able to discern the “homosexual overtones” of the animated film “Happy Feet”. You might use their talents to identify these people before you're caught (literally) with your pants down!
Watch Your Ps & Qs!
When appearing on TV political talk shows, be careful not to be specific when discussing Republican “presidential hopefuls”. Many of your party members will undoubtedly be political fatalities within the months to come as a result of investigations into GOP corruption and crime. Rather than be caught red-faced when the candidate you’ve been touting winds up in prison, it’s better to just say “no comment” about 2008, and leave it at that.
Who Would Jesus Vote For?
As you are undoubtedly aware, the Fundies are already in a really pissed-off mood these days – no overturn of Roe v Wade, no anti-gay marriage amendment as promised, not to mention that Rapture thing that never materialized.
Even though you reneged on your previous promises, you can still win them over with respect for their beliefs; i.e. don’t mention the fact that the earth isn’t flat, and ix-nay on the planet revolving around the sun thing.
A grand celebration of the earth’s 6,000th birthday could salve a lot of old wounds, and the money appropriated for the celebration of Victory in Iraq could be tapped for the funding of fireworks, parades, etc. (Hey, it’s not like that money is ever going to be used for its intended purpose, right?)
Throw the Dog A Bone
I realize it is contrary to party policy, but doing something positive for your constituents once in a while can really pay off in a re-election campaign.
You’ll notice that none of your colleagues ran on a “Hey, I’m the great guy who brought you the Bankruptcy Bill” platform in ’06, and “I voted FOR torture!” doesn’t scan well as a campaign slogan.
For those of you who have been in office for lengthy periods of time, your secretary will be helpful in identifying what state elected you, and who your constituents actually are.
Big Boys Don’t Cry
Undoubtedly, many of you will wind up in front of the TV cameras over the next couple of years for that last statement before you’re whisked away to the ol’ Crowbar Hotel. Please don’t cry like Nancy Kerrigan, or blubber like Mrs. Alito – and keep your shirt on at all times, to avoid winding up on “Cops”.
Word to the Wise
If indictment seems imminent, start appearing in public drunk. This will make your sudden departure for a cushy rehab center seem more plausible, and will allow ample time for your lawyers to come up with a feeble but better-than-nothing defense.
If you need tips on how to act like a drunken fool, videos of G.W. Bush are available on You-Tube.
“I Did Not Have Political Relations with that Man!”
Okay, this is the biggie – how to distance yourself from the disastrous president and administration you’ve been supporting for years.
Although your voting for BushCo’s every scatterbrained whim is a matter of public record, there are options:
The Twinkie Defense: “Due to the lack of oversight of the FDA, I was poisoned by bad spinach (or lettuce, or green onions – wide list to choose from), which led to my mind being addled.”
The Schiavo Defense: “I have actually been brain-dead for the past several years, but Bill Frist saw me on video and mis-diagnosed me as perfectly healthy.”
The Ted Stevens Defense: “I had no idea I was supporting the War in Iraq, or voting against a raise in the minimum wage. Due to the tubes being clogged, by the time my staff downloaded the internetz, the wording of the bills was a muddled mess.”
The Inconvenient Truth Defense: “I am now a believer in global warming; apparently my brain was melted by rising temperatures – who knew?”
The Mark Foley Defense: “I was sexually assaulted by a priest when I was a child, which caused me to do whacky things as an adult. Did I ever mention that before? Funny how that slipped my mind all of these years.”
The Insanity Defense: Self-explanatory – and if I were you, I’d go with this one.
I hope you Republicans find these tips of assistance over the next two years – God knows you’re going to need all the help you can get.
Oh, and about that '08 thing -- good luck!
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