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TWENTY QUESTIONS
A little game, just for fun. If I could ask twenty questions of people currently in the news, these are the questions I would ask.
It has nothing to do with getting real answers – because we know that’s not possible. These queries are strictly based on the reactions they’d be met with …
Of Georgie Bush:
“It’s said that God speaks to you. Did he actually tell you to ignore NOLA in the days after Katrina? Or did he leave a message about it on your voicemail, and you just didn’t get it until after you slept-off the hangover from all that partying?”
Of Dick Cheney:
“You’re a smart guy, and you must have noticed how your people are starting to get caught up in their lies. Why don’t you just come out and say, ‘We’re in Iraq for the OIL, damn it"? Wouldn't that lessen the possibility of being tripped up by traipsing out all of these alternate excuses?”
Of Laura Bush:
“The next time you’re on Larry King Live, could you tell us about all of the good news stories in Iraq that the media is ignoring? Could you maybe go there yourself, so you can bring back video footage and photos?”
Of Babs Bush:
“Are you embarrassed by the fact that your children and grandchildren have turned out to be such self-serving, good-for-nothing idiots? Or is that just another one of those things you don’t trouble your beautiful mind with?”
Of Donald Rumsfeld:
“Remember when you talked about the incredible precision of the weapons we were using in Iraq – you know, the ones where you could hit a targeted individual without even disturbing the people around them? There are now hundreds of thousands of dead Iraqi civilians. Is that a result of deliberately trying to kill them, or does our military just have very bad aim?”
Of James Baker III:
“I know you’re really busy, and now you’re taking on this committee to look into the definition of the president’s war powers. We all know how it’s going to turn out – ‘G.W. Bush has the right to do whatever he wants, and it says so right in the Constitution’s fine print.’ So why don’t you skip the whole discussion thing, and issue your final report now?”
Of Ann Coulter:
“Your books always wind up in the cut-out bins of my local discount stores within twenty-four hours of being released. But your last book took forty-eight hours. Shouldn’t you call your publisher and ask them what the delay is?”
Of Condi Rice:
“Could you please send me the address of the website where you got your Ph.D., so I can get one, too? Do I have to pay the postage when they mail the diploma, or is that included in the $29.99 if you act now fee?”
Of Jerry Falwell:
“Do you ever get the shakes thinking that maybe hell really exists, and God actually sends lying, money-grubbing people there to burn for eternity – especially lying, money-grubbing preachers?”
Of Glenn Beck:
“Your CNN show recently aired a ‘fake commercial’, making fun of Muslim women who wear religiously-dictated clothing. Will you be doing one on the ‘covenant underwear’ that Mormon men wear any time soon?”
Of Mrs. Alito:
“The Republicans in the House and Senate have been doing a lot of whining and crying since November. Do they give you credit for starting that trend, or do they just act like they thought it up themselves?”
Of Wolf Blitzer:
“Are you as stupid in real life as that dumb guy you play on TV?”
Of John McCain:
“Remember when your party was calling Kerry a ‘flip-flopper’ when they accused him of changing his position on things? Don’t you wish now that phrase never caught on?”
Of Dinesh D’Souza:
“Do you write your own material? Have you ever considered a career in stand-up comedy?”
Of Bill O’Reilly:
“Don’t you think Stephen Colbert does a great job making a mockery of you? You do know that’s what he’s doing, right?”
Of Rush Limbaugh:
“Why do you have to act like an obnoxious asshole every day? Are you afraid that if you skip a day, people will forget you’re an obnoxious asshole?”
Of Tony Snow:
“Do you ever wake up in a cold sweat and touch your nose, after having dreamt that the Pinnoccio story is actually based on fact?”
Of Tony Blair:
“When people in your country want to get your attention, do they call you ‘Tony’, or ‘Mr. Blair’ – or do they just slap their knee, yell ‘here, boy’, and wave a Milkbone around?”
Of Karl Rove:
“After the mid-terms, are you still selling that ‘I am a political genius’ crap? Is anybody still buying it, or do they just laugh hysterically when the subject comes up?”
Of Kristol, Perle, Wolfowitz (and that whole zany PNAC gang):
“Wouldn’t you guys just piss yourselves if a single thing you’d ever predicted actually happened?”
PLEASE, feel free to play along, and add your own questions of whomever …
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