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Unemployment Woes NOW OVER!
By Nancy Greggs
Well, I’ll say one good thing about the Republicans: They are currently creating so many employment opportunities, they just might make being jobless in America a thing of the past.
As I write this, there are literally thousands of defense attorneys in DC and environs that must think they’ve just died and gone to litigation heaven.
No sooner was the verdict – guilty, guilty, guilty and guilty – delivered in the Scooter Libby case than phones started ringing off the wall in legal firms in the capitol, as well as across the nation.
Technicians have been called in to create special phone systems to take the calls. “If you’re afraid you are about to be investigated and/or indicted in relation to your involvement in government corruption, press # now.”
Yes, it’s an ill wind that doesn’t blow somebody some good. Think of all the travel agents who are being deluged with requests for one-way tickets to jurisdictions with no extradition treaty – which would pretty much be my plan if I thought a subpoena from Waxman, Conyers or Fitzgerald figured in my immediate future.
One can only imagine how busy the bulk paper-shredder companies are just about now, along with computer experts who know how to erase tell-tale emails without leaving a trace.
But if you really want to make the big bucks nowadays, you want to be a professional GOP apologist (a.k.a. “communications specialist”). The ads will start showing up in newspapers any day now: “Your weakest excuse is our greatest challenge! Knee-deep in the Walter Reed scandal? We can prove what you didn’t know, and when you didn’t know it!”
Linguists and genealogists will also be raking in the dough, as Republicans pin their last ’08 hopes on proving that Hillary drawls on cue, or Barack isn’t really black or isn’t really white, depending on what group he happens to be talking to.
Even Biblical scholars – a pursuit not usually equated with six-figure salaries – will be movin’ on up to those deluxe apartments in the sky before the first shot in the 2007 War on Christmas is fired. If you can find a passage (Old Testament or New, the Republicans aren’t in a position to be fussy) that explains the Christian tradition of using gay porno stars as GOP spokespeople, the shekels will be lining your pockets before you can say, "Well, I'll be damned!"
Up-and-coming political writer? Your ship just came in! At the rate newspapers are dropping Ann Coulter, you’re bound to have a shot at a syndicated column. As long as you can consistently produce fifteen hundred words that don’t cause the corporate sponsors to pull their advertising, you’re hired!
Used Porsche dealer? Used yacht salesman? Real estate agent dealing exclusively in pricey addresses? Well, this must be your lucky day. It seems there will be a bevy of suddenly unemployed government types who will be downsizing their lifestyles in the near future – you know, all those guys who will be leaving their previous positions to “pursue other opportunities”, along with those who spontaneously decide they want to “spend more time with the family”.
We all know that’s code for “the investigations are getting too close for comfort” – but the attendant dip in income will mean a lot of prime toys and real estate hitting the resale market. And that’s not even counting the folks who just realized that owning a multi-million dollar house, a Porsche, or a yacht on their official salaries might net them a cell right next to Duke Cunningham’s, because the Democrats aren’t looking the other way like their GOP cohorts did – and the Dems apparently mean business.
While this current trend bodes well for employment opportunities, as well as for the country, it’s probably the headhunters who will fare better than most. Exactly what can an ex-Senator, ex-Congressman, ex-White House insider look forward to in the job market once they’ve extricated themselves from being in a position where questions are finally being asked about their activities?
Well, even for the most corrupt – the leakers, the liars, the bribe-takers, the vote-theft specialists, the cover-up artists, the excuse-makers, the media fix-it guys, and the don’t-worry-we’ll-cover-your-ass operatives – there’s always one option that is a constant in our culture:
“Would you like some Freedom Fries with that?”
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