My husband of three months went to the doctor yesterday

[SallyMander]

Walked in with our insurance card (which is in my name) and handed it over. "Is this your mom?" asked the woman at the desk (this makes us laugh, because he is prematurely gray at age 26!). "No - it's my wife." "Oh ok! Great." And that was that - he had access to care that might have cost us hundreds or thousands otherwise. Just dropped the magical w-word!

A couple months before we got married, we had to go fill out an "affidavit of domestic partnership" just to get him into the gym on campus. Our insurance agent wouldn't cover his belongings, because the house is in my name and we weren't married. I had to sign a form every quarter so that he could use the university pharmacy.

We got married in Massachusetts because he didn't want to get married somewhere that wouldn't allow EVERYONE to get married. There is a lot of anger and divisiveness and heartbreak on this board -- but I wanted to put this out there on behalf of myself and other straight allies who may not GET IT on the deepest most personal level, but still think that marriage equality is the most important civil rights issue of our time. There are many of us who have your backs and want to help fight with you for the rights and protections we take for granted every day. We'll march with you or be a shoulder to cry on or just read your frustration on a message board. But we are here.

[Neecy]

1. thank you

[SallyMander]

3. Wish I could do more...

:hug:

[madfloridian]

2. Recommended.

It is a sad thing to have happen for what is supposed to be a happy inaugural.

[SallyMander]

6. Thanks madfloridian

And yes :(

[Zynx]

4. Totally different subject, but do you own a pet Salamander?

[SallyMander]

7. Haha... i do actually

I'm a grad student in biology and i study them. :D

[Zynx]

10. Awesome. I love both Reptiles and Amphibians. I currently own a Uromastyx lizard.

I just love all of our little scaly friends. Salamanders, Frogs, Lizards, Newts, etc are all just some awesome.

[SallyMander]

18. I was running out the door when i replied earlier

So here is a pic of the little guys i study -- marbled salamanders, Ambystoma opacum. Cutest things ever!



The one i have at home is a spotted salamander. I also have an eastern fox snake. :)

[Zynx]

32. Awww....They're so adorable.

[Crunchy Frog]

41. Have you ever read the book Brinkley Manor by P G Wodehouse?

If you haven't, you really should. It features a character who dedicates his life to studying newts. :D

[SallyMander]

45. I haven't read it

but it definitely sounds like i should! Thanks for the recommendation :hi:

[Crunchy Frog]

74. AKA Right Ho, Jeeves.

http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/41VQP49T4DL._BO2,204,203,200_PIsitb-sticker-arrow-click,TopRight,35,-76_AA240_SH20_OU01_.jpg

[Starry Messenger]

5. recommended.

Personal stories like this are always the best.

[SallyMander]

8. Thanks MPK

Just a small taste of what others have to deal with indefinitely :(

[jonnyblitz]

9. yup, iza still looks young to me even with the gray and

i find that quite cool the reason why he wanted to marry in MA!! i thought it might have been because of the cool nantucket backdrop for wedding pic purposes. :D

I do appreciate your post lots! you are as sweet as can be! :hug:

[SallyMander]

19. Hey, you!

Yup, it would have been a bit easier to do it here in Ohio, but he insisted. Which of course made me love him even more. :D

Hope you are doing well -- are you buried in snow??? :hug:

[jonnyblitz]

43. didnt see your response til now and YES i am buried in snow

but then it started raining on top of THAT this sunday afternoon making it heavy to shovel and it will all soon freeze into a NICE mess. :hug: :hi:

[SallyMander]

46. Eww, charming weather!

I have a friend who was supposed to fly out of Boston today -- that hasn't happened yet!

Stay warm! :hug:

[DeepBlueC]

11. That brings it home

Thank you for a great post. :)

[SallyMander]

20. Thanks jeme

:hi:

[bvar22]

12. K&R

I'm here.

[SallyMander]

Thanks bvar22

:hi:

[AlCzervik]

13. Nice Sally, thanks for sharing that and doing that, you're the best.

:toast: :loveya:

[SallyMander]

22. Aw, nah, wish i could do more

I have some very dear friends who got married in MA, now they are living in Cali so i'm not sure the legal status of their marriage??? It is just heartbreaking. :(

:hug:

[AlCzervik]

28. my friend Scott got married and he and his dh are very worried right now that it will be

nullified. I thought about it for awhile and just cried, how fucked up is that, the supposedly freest country in the world having your marriage nullified because you're gay?

[SallyMander]

29. Did they get married in CA?

It is SO WRONG that they should have to worry about that. I wish i had a word that was stronger than "wrong." It is so very wrong on so many levels that it needs a different word. :(


Edit for forgotten punctuation...

[AlCzervik]

30. they did and their lives are here, Scott teaches and his hubby is going to law school

and working part time so the option of picking up and leaving isn't possible right now. My daughter also had a teacher in 6th grade who got married this summer and i talk to him all the time and he's also worried, again their lives are here, he and his husband have 2 kids, one is in highschool, the other 4th grade so picking up and starting over isn't a good plan right now.

[SallyMander]

31. Right -- i can't imagine even being in a place

where you might either have to pick up and leave your home, or have your marriage nullified. WTF kind of terrible choice is that to make??? The fact that this can happen in this time, in this country, is just beyond the pale.

[Joe the Liberal]

14. k & r

:kick:

[SallyMander]

23. Thank you Azimov

:hi:

[ruggerson]

15. thank you

:hi:

[SallyMander]

24. De nada

Thanks ruggerson :hi:

[Lugnut]

16. I'm happy to kick and recommend this post. n/t

[SallyMander]

25. Thanks lugnut

:hi:

[grantcart]

17. thanks good story - great point - congratulations on the marriage

What we all want to know is exactly in detail what the two of you have been doing for the last month that required the visit to the Doctor?

(Pictures would be helpful)

[SallyMander]

26. Hahaha - thanks grantcart

Actually he has bad knees -- he is very active (he bikes, runs and swims all the time) and he's had a lot of pain. The doc thought he had certain muscles overdeveloped due to all the cycling, which had pushed his knees out of alignment. He'll have to go to PT for a while, but should be fine!

Nothing to do with me! :evilgrin:

:hug:

[LeftCoast]

21. Thank you Sally

Posts like this mean a lot right now

[SallyMander]

27. You are very welcome

This should be a place where the GBLT folks feel safe and supported. :hug:

[Hepburn]

33. A HUGE K&R for this thread!

My sentiments exactly. I am straight but there is no way in hell I am gonna back down on gay marriage. It is wrong, just absolutely wrong to keep basic civil rights from a particular section of our society... especially when this is based on religious principles. Talk about a total cluster fuck directed specifically towards one group of people.

And why? Because those people love someone to whom they wish to make a particular and specific legal commitment.

What total and complete bullshit ~~ wishing to make a legal commitment of this magnitude now makes those people a threat to others who have made the same commitment?

I call total horseshit on this...and I do not plan to back down one bit or compromise on this issue because to deny rights to one similarly situation group means that we simply are NOT a fee nation.

Great OP... :applause:

[SallyMander]

34. Wish i could K&R your reply right back!

I completely agree!

:yourock:

[Hepburn]

51. Thank you....I enjoy your threads so very much and this one is a great example...

...of why I love to read what you post! :hi:

[SallyMander]

53. Thank you so much!

That really means a lot. :) :hug:

[Fireweed247]

36. yes

:applause:

[Hepburn]

52. Thank you...

...the issue of gay marriage and the right to love and be loved is a very big issue with me!

:hi:

[Veruca Salt]

35. This made me cry!

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your kind words and support! :hug:

[SallyMander]

38. You are welcome

I meant every word -- i hope we can get to a place in this country where all love is valued and treated equally. :hug:

(Sorry to make you cry! :hug: )

[Fireweed247]

37. K&R

:applause:

[SallyMander]

39. Thanks MartyL

:hug:

[Crunchy Frog]

40. You married a three month old? No wonder they thought you were his mom.

:hide:


Just kidding. Congratulations. :)

[SallyMander]

47. Bwahahaha!

:spank:


Thanks :rofl:

[sandnsea]

42. Everybody on this board gets that

And we also get that all those rights can be granted at the federal level with each state deciding whether to call it a union or a marriage, doesn't matter to most of us which one it is.

[SallyMander]

48. I personally wouldn't care if i had been "civil-unioned"

but to some people it does make a difference -- and unless all legal arrangements will be CUs and all religious ceremonies will be marriages, i don't think it's right to use a different word for a gay couple vs. a straight couple. Just my 2 cents.

[Prophet 451]

62. Which is how it should be

I've been saying for years that the state should provide only civil unions (or "domestic partnerships", the term is unimportant) and that those should carry the package of legal rights and duties. The churches can have the word "marriage" but it should carry no legal weight.

[makinguphumans]

44. Sweet and thanks

[SallyMander]

49. You are welcome

And welcome to DU! :hi: Sorry you are arriving in the middle of all this -- it's not usually this bad, i swear!

[Raster]

50. And you are loved and appreciated and we are most grateful!

We Can Do Better--For Everyone!:kick:STOP the H8!

[SallyMander]

54. Thanks Raster!

:hug:

(OT - are you a GIS guy? I use rasters in my research all the time. :D )

[Raster]

57. Nope. Financial printing customer service....

computer geek and armchair scientist. Oh yeah, and homegrown Gay progressive.

[glitch]

55. Very good story to bring the point home. K & R nt

[SallyMander]

56. Thank you glitch

:hi:

[ismnotwasm]

58. Nice!

My husband has MS, and needs very expensive medication every month. He's completely covered by virtue of his marriage to me, I'll never take that for granted and it breaks my heart anyone does. Or thinks it's not a matter of life and death.


I have an essay by a feminist philosopher, who tells a horrid story of her daughter choice of a new husband--the step father-- of her daughter's child, a child who she and her partner both had a loving relationship with. The husband objected to their being lesbians and ripped this child from their lives, with the daughters consent.
I don't have that kind of threat in my straight life. I can't imagine that kind of pain.

There are so many stories of pain and rejection and the fear Gays have to live in, just being themselves.

This is not a negotiable area. Gay rights are human rights.

[SallyMander]

59. Heartbreaking.... completely heartbreaking

These are the stories people need to hear though. :(

:hug:

[fudge stripe cookays]

66. Your husband has good vibes from me.

I have MS too. I'm the main breadwinner for us, so I'm pretty F'ing nervous, as I don't want to be sleeping under a box when I'm 70.

[Fran Kubelik]

60. Thank you so much for this post.

And for reminding me I have to do something about getting my belongings covered. The house is in my partner's name. We've done all the legal paperwork so that if we don't end up with a bigoted doctor I might be able to see her in the hospital, and did our wills so that - if we don't get a bigoted judge - we will be able to leave our belongings to each other...but I didn't think about home-owner's insurance not covering my things.

I adore you for this post. Seriously. Thank you. :hug:

[SallyMander]

61. You are very welcome Fran

I hope that you're able to get everything squared away with the insurance. It just blew my mind when we couldn't get his things covered -- i guess we would have had to do renters' insurance or something! So stupid and frustrating. And all we wanted to cover was a couple of bicycles (he races, so he has some really expensive bikes). GRRRR.

Thanks for your reply. I just *know* there are a lot of people here who feel the same way i do, but it seemed important to say. :hug:

[Dont_Bogart_the_Pretzel]

63. All this talk about "marriage" & "insurance"

The thought came to me the other day,,

Think about all the NEW paperwork would be created if United States were to adopt an Universal Healthcare system.




I'm all for Universal Healthcare System but their will be a lot of changes to get it to work. Maby that's why some people don't like the idea, some people really don't like change.










I guess :sarcasm: goes some where.......

[proReality]

64. A definite K&R

I'm at a complete loss to understand why some people don't get what equality means.

[whoopingcrone]

65. i want to k& r too

but the bot wouldn't let me.

[beac]

67. Error: you can only recommend threads which were started in the past 24 hours

And RATS! b/c you've said what so many of us feel and so well.

My husband is a good deal younger than me (and I suppose I could be his 'mom' if I had been a VERY young mother... yikes!) and we have different last names, yet no clerk, receptionist, etc EVER questions whether we are truly wed. No one argues that our lack of intention to produce offspring invalidates our marriage. We get the benefit of the doubt every time because he has one set of sex organs and I have another. And that's what LEGAL marriage is all about-- benefits. It's a contract sanctioned by the state and NO ONE should be prevented from entering into one. If we want to start calling them 'civil unions', fine-- but that should be what it says at the top of EVERY license issued, to ALL couples, regardless of their gender.

As for people who think that "marriage" should be some special, heteros-only word, they forget that we use the word in many non-wedding contexts. In the restaurant business, we "marry" ketchups and mustards at the end of the night. We can "marry" two spreadsheets. Or we can say that English and Japanese words don't "marry up" easily (AND yet no one suggests that translating from one of those languages into the other is somehow an 'abomination'!) If we put forth a suggestion, but are open to others, we say we are not "married to it." Marry/marriage/married -- all very nice words that are used in many ways and should be available to ALL citizens to use to legalize and define their union.


"Let (us) not to the marriage of true minds admit impediments." Shakespeare had it right.

[comtec]

68. I proudly voted NO, and chewed out anyone who thought about yes

This assumption that married people just don't get it is past insulting.

The assumption that we the people don't want equal right for everyone is just.....
I was so proud of my state when gay marriage was made legal.
I heard about the prop 8 movement but could not believe that it would even get to the ballot.
even then i figured "constitutional amendment", those need 2/3 to pass.
I voted NO, and made sure everyone I know voted NO.
but that's all i can do.
I live in Holland, a country that has a social contract for any gender pairs. legally the same as being married. The only difference is semantic here.
my sister in law is 'contracted', but her and her bf are as good as married legally and that's all that matters.
there are a handful of differences, but minor ones iirc.

before 8 passed I didn't care of it was called marriage or contracting, or whatever. As long as the legal rights were the same, what's in a name? :shrug:
I've since changed my view, because this is just unforgivable what 8 (and the 3 OTHER state amendments in other states) has done.
BUT people...
patience.
Obama isn't even in office. The current special session of congress is trying to hold this country's economy together with duct tape and bubble gum, and they just ran out of gum!

Am I upset about this, yes of course. BUT, it did not overturn A SINGLE MARRIED COUPLE IN CALIFORNIA!

Calm down and take a deep breath. this law prevents future, not past unions. It does not abolish existing unions, or new unions from another state (i use union because i just can't spell marriage and im tired of spell check underlining it) from staying in tact.
goto Mass and get union'd. IIRC The law there says nothing about having to be a resident.

this WILL be overturned!

The courts ARE in YOUR FAVOR on this.

Stop eating your own, it doesn't help the cause.

Am I pleased with this pastor person? pfft, do bears shit?
There is exactly DICK that we can do right now.
The machine is working, the gears are moving.
This will take time, because everything is in flux right now.


I realize i'm going to be flamed, and that's too bad. I'm not your enemy, and i'm not against you. I want to help.

I have a friend who called off HIS wedding because it was slated to take place a week after the election.
I'm so sad they're not getting married because of this....

and honestly they should have gotten the paper work done BEFORE the election.

That aside... this law - the 100's of legal challenges aside - did NOT go into effect the NEXT day anyway...
Hell it would not even be going into effect until January at the EARLIEST!!!!

So why all the stopping of weddings? WHY GIVE UP!?

Of all the bitching... WHO is getting married ANYWAY... I mean it's STILL LEGAL TILL JANUARY AT THE EARLIEST!

[Bluenorthwest]

69. To both you and the big hearted Mr Mander...

great buckets of good wishes! This post shines with actual empathy and mindfulness. Thanks.

[RainDog]

70. then there's the flip side

I was married and cared for my children. one deals with autism. the other was dx'd bipolar. my ex is bipolar. I got a divorce - you really cannot imagine the stress of living in a situation like that, especially with no family to provide emotional support. my ex quickly found someone to take care of him. I wasn't quite as willing to jump into any relationship. funny how that goes.

after my divorce, I was so depressed I was suicidal. some days I still am, but I talk myself out of it.

I have no insurance and I don't go to the doctor. I'm tired every day. Every day I am bone tired. I never knew what it was like to live this way.

I've isolated myself - those I used to know cannot imagine what my life is like - and if they can, it scares them. I returned to school and had insurance for a while via one job I had at the U. as a student. when I switched jobs to get more experience, I lost that insurance. tough shit, them's the breaks.

now I have an incredible amt of student debt. but that was the "job" I could get when my kids were growing up. I don't have a job, tho. Part of the reason for that, of course, is my depression. Part of it may be because I'm not young anymore. I don't know.

I do know that I never did anything "bad." I took care of the ones I loved. In return, as far as the rest of the world is concerned, I can go to hell. Some days I think I'm already there.

[RobinA]

77. Well, That's Why This Issue

is rightfully a health insurance issue and not a gender preference issue. I'm a female, my SO is a male, and he doesn't have any insurance. Zilch, because he can't afford it. He also pays $1000 + a month for drugs for a chronic condition. Sure, I could marry him so he could get insurance, but it would be a horrible idea for a number of reasons. Allowing gays to marry would only solve this problem for gays who want to marry. Gays who don't want to marry will continue to be in the same boat as unmarried non-gays who don't have insurance through work and can't afford individual coverage.

It's dangerous to hang gay marriage on health insurance, because the day universal coverage comes around (if it does), the main "We should be able to get married so we can get spousal benefits" agrument evaporates.

[raventattoo]

71. You really made my day!

Thank you soooooooo much!!!

:yourock: :yourock: :yourock:

[sinkingfeeling]

72. Absolutely.

[tomm2thumbs]

73. great posting

the basic grease that marriage applies to the wheels of the red tape machine we call hospitals is just one example

[GinaMaria]

75. +1 got married in Canada n/t

[DollyM]

76. and yet another side to this is those who don't marry because they will lose benefits

My Mom and "step dad" lived together for 18 years and didn't marry because she would have lost my father's social security benefits and my step dad has a multitude of medical bills and had to declare bankruptcy. Yet the price they paid is that she was also not recognized as his "spouse" for situations where he was in the hospital, which was quite often. The local hospital finally came to accept that she was his significant other but she had no access to his medical records and was shut out of his hospital room more than once because she was not his legal spouse. What we need to do is re-define what is considered family.