CNN - It's all about ta-ta-ta-timing - Democratic Underground

NanceGreggs

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Sun Feb-08-09 09:38 PM
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CNN - It's all about ta-ta-ta-timing

Edited on Sun Feb-08-09 09:49 PM by NanceGreggs

You know, I’ve been a fan of comedians my whole life. But I gotta tell you, no one cracks me up the way the guys over to the Comedy News Network (CNN) do.

I think of classic lines that had me roflin’ over the decades – “Let’s get small,” “Jane, you ignorant slut,” “The devil made me do it”, “Lucy, you got some ‘splaining to do.” – and foolishly imagine these bits can’t be topped.

And then CNN (to their credit, consistently good for a yuk for years now) goes to the head of the comedy class by posting the ultimate belly-laugh-inducing statement in the history of please, stop, you’re killing me, I can’t breathe punchlines on their website:

“Obama’s first 100 days – A new administration takes over and CNN is keeping them honest. The best political team on TV asks the tough questions -- only on CNN.”

(Gotta pause here for a minute – because I’m experiencing one of those please, stop, you’re killing me, I can’t breathe moments yet again – and that’s at least the twentieth time today.)

Okay, back with ya – for a minute there, I was clutching my chest and telling Elizabeth I’d be joining her soon.

There have been some great comedic ensembles over time – the casts of SNL, SCTV, MAD-TV, FOX-News – and irony has long been a staple in their ability to keep us rollin’ in the aisles.

But I’m here to tell you that nobody does it better than the crew at CNN. Telling us that they’re keeping the new administration honest is right up there with GWB telling us how he kept the country safe from attack – after the worst attack on US soil in history. (Barn door, horse gone, you get the picture - and ain't it just comedy gold?)

I guess they’re counting on the fact that we’ll get the joke – and how could we not, after eight years of the most dishonest, misleading, inane, inconsequential, and totally fucked-up “reporting” ever devised by a staff of writers that rival that of The Daily Show when it comes to comedic genius?

Yeah, CNN, we get it. We remember how you kept the last administration “honest” – tee-hee-hee … guffaw … oh-my-god-I-can’t-breathe … well, here I go again.

Who will ever forget CNN asking the “tough questions” :

“And did you ever get to finish The Pet Goat that morning, Mr. Pretzledent, or did you stop reading after you’d been informed that the Twin fuckin’ Towers were about to become a heap of rubble?”

(Yeah, I know what you're thinking. What's this guy making such a big stink about old library books? Well, let me give you a hint, junior. Maybe we can live without libraries, people like you and me. Maybe. Sure, we're too old to change the world, but what about that kid, sitting down, opening a book, right now, in a branch at the local library and finding drawings of pee-pees and wee-wees …)

“Clearly Mr. Whittington was at fault here, Mister President of Vice – have you accepted his apology for being in the way of your shotgun?”

(And how that elephant got into my pyjamas I’ll never know.)

“As a result of 9-11, we’re going to war with – WHO? You’re shooting me through the grease here, correct?”

(Who’s on first, What’s on second, and I-Don’t-Know is on third.)

“About those WMDs that were never found …”

(Listen, Bart – we can argue until the cows come home about who was supposed to pick up who after the game.)

“Explain to the viewers how these no-bid Halliburton contracts work, if you don’t mind, sir.”

(Stifle yerself, Edith – stifle!)

“Yes, the aftermath of Katrina is a complete disaster, Mr. Brown. Please assure our viewing audience how that heck-of-a-job thing is working out for those who are dead – or about to die. And don’t be embarrassed to talk about your vast experience in the area of disaster control as long as you’re on the topic.”

(Well there was another group in the East End called The Originals and we had to rename ourselves, the New Originals. And then they changed their name back to The Regulars and we thought well, we could go back to The Originals but what's the point? )

“WE’RE SPENDING HOW MUCH PER MINUTE ON THE WAR IN IRAQ? You’re shittin’ me, right?”

(Scientists have discovered a new number, called “nern”. It is believed it belongs between the numerals nine and ten.)

“That was a plastic turkey? No waaaay.”

(As God is my witness, I thought turkeys could fly!)

“So the KBR symbol embroidered onto the towels the troops are using cost how much? And that expenditure is more important than supplying body-armour in exactly what way?”

(If we get my ideas into practice, it should be organised like a mart, a syndicate, an enterprise. There are tremendous profits to be made, Colonel. For us? For everyone.)

“Blessed are the Torturers – that was one of Jesus’ most fundamental teachings, was it not, reverend – that and persecuting The Gays? You’re on for the full hour, so please feel free to expand on the topic.”

(If God wants to test us, why can’t it be a written exam?)

“So then George is piss-drunk and can’t figure out how to open the door – oh, please, won’t you tell us more?”

(I've taken the liberty of anticipating your condition. I have brought you orange juice, coffee, and aspirins. Or do you need to throw up?)

“Job outsourcing is good for the US worker and the nation’s economy as a whole, isn’t it? Why don’t you give us the details?”

(Met a man who said, ‘Help me out, brother, I haven’t had a bite in a week. So I bit ‘im.)

“Sir, you once predicted that they would be naming a major street in Baghdad after pResident Bush. How’s that comin’ along?”

(Last night I cooked Minute Rice in the microwave – I almost went back in time.)

“Whadda ya make of these ill-informed, dumb-ass, immoral, liberal whack-jobs who seem to think that seeing Russia from your doorstep qualifies someone to be the vice president, Governor Palin – or can I call you ‘Sarah’?”

(Say g’night, Gracie. ‘Okay. G’night, Gracie.’)

“He messed-up the oath of office. That means he’s not really the president, right?”

(He's not the Messiah. He's just a very naughty boy!)

No, honestly, these CNN guys have got it dicked – some of the best one-liners in (ahem) “journalistic” history.

I’m assuming that because they’re referring to Obama’s “first hundred days”, this newest addition to the sit-com line-up will be up for renewal in a few months.

So don’t forget to tune-in and get those ratings up where they belong. Wouldn’t want to see this kind of hard-hitting, take-no-prisoners kind of comedy canceled in mid-season, wouldya now?

I didn’t think so.