A reductionist view of modern American politics

[Writer]

Featuring: The Turds & The Giant Douches


Turds: I don't want the Giant Douches to look good, so I'm going to work on making them look bad!

Douches: I don't want the Turds to look good, so I'm going to work on making them look bad!

Turds: It doesn't matter what policy battles I win or lose, as long as the Giant Douches look like Giant Douches!

Douches: I have tried and tried and tried to care about policy, but the American people make choices based on emotive impressions. Down with the Turds!

Turds: Starting Attack Plan A-Alpha: Tearing down Douche Politics by making their ideas seem rawly political and unnecessary.

Douches: Starting Defense Plan B-Omega: Defending yourself from Turd Politics by tearing them down and building the impression that they're rawly political and unnecessary.

Turds: SCANDAL!

Douches: TRAITORS!

Turds: DOUCHES!

Douches: TURDS!

Turds: If only the American people are as rational as the Enlightenment idealists said they were...

Douches: You know what? I'm going to make the plea that I'm tired of politics-as-usual. It's time to execute Proactive Defense Plan P-Zeta: Making Douche Politics look like they're touched by American Angels.

Turds: That won't work.

Douches: Why not?

Turds: Because no one believes that Douches are anything but douches.

Douches: But we're New Douches.

Turds: So? You're still Douches.

Douches: ... (not listening!)

Turds: Big Douches with Douchey ideas... and I'm going to keep telling that to the American people...

Douches: ... (still not listening!)

Turds: Flip-flopper!

Douches: La-la-la. Don't listen to the Turds, American people! It's politics as usual!

The American People: What? Say what? Adam Lambert? Jon and Kate, what?

Turds: See? Hahahaaaa.

Douches: Sigh.

Turds: It's much easier to teach them how to hate the Other, than how to understand the Other.

Douches: Sigh. Oh well. I guess it's time to execute Annihilation Plan Z - Delta Tango. No holds barred politics.

Turds: That's more like it! As long as they hate the Other, despise different ideals, distrust the media, and generally accept dickishness as the political norm, we'll be in business - for GOOD!

Douches: I like the sound of that. UN-AMERICANS!

Turds: OBSTRUCTIONISTS!

Douches: SCANDAL-GATERS!

Turds: C'mon, American people, aren't you paying attention? LIMP-WRISTED WUSSES!

Douches: It's working! FORNICATORS!

HA HAAAAAA!




THE END.