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I am at the point of looming insanity – and I admit it.
It’s not the alternate opinions from the other side – on everything from healthcare reform to the situation in Afghanistan – that’s givin’ me the booboojeebies. It’s The Stupid – the unbearable, smack-your-forehead, roll-on-the-floor in utter despair, oh-no-he-didn’t-say-THAT, tell-me-you’re-NOT-that-much-of-an-idiot type of Stupid, which seems to be contagious and is definitely now out of control.
I don’t know how much more I can take.
I would humbly propose – in the spirit of the upcoming God-damned, holier-than-anything, throw-the-Baby-Jesus-out-with-the-holy-water, “War on Christmas” season – we call a truce.
If you proudly ill-informed could just go to the Stupid faucet – or wherever it is from which your misinformation flows so abundantly – and turn it OFF, even temporarily, I would be eternally grateful (and so, if I may say so, would your country).
Oh, the joy to be had from a few weeks sans Stupid!
I keep imagining it – turning on the TV and NOT hearing Wolf Blitzer’s opinion about anything; tuning-in to any TV news broadcast without fear of staring into Michele Bachman’s vacuous eyes as she demonstrates her ignorance of all things.
And the spirit-freeing euphoria of – (oh, good God, I shouldn’t even go there, lest I pine for things beyond all imagining!) – NOT seeing someone use a blackboard or an oversized poster to demonstrate how a bunch of little boxes, with labels full of fine print that no one can read, prove Obama’s connection with a radical Muslin agenda, or the unsustainable bureaucracy of healthcare reform beyond all doubt.
It all seems like a dream to me now – and yet it is a vision I still dare to long for. The very concept of a weekend – a single weekend! – free of any quotes by, for, or about Sarah Palin is now the stuff orgasms are made of.
I ask for little – a handful of days in which not a single Medicare recipient is carrying a sign that says “Get the Gov’t OUT of my Healthcare”, a few precious weeks of LTTEs that don’t harken back to the good ol’ days when men and dinosaurs not only lived in peace and harmony, but often sold each other Tupperware products – perhaps (dare I hope?) even a senator who doesn’t read from the Declaration of Independence and insist he’s quoting the Constitution.
I realize that if a truce is to be effective, we here on the other side have to give tit-fot-tat (hopefully, in keeping with the situation, without someone literally making a federal case of the use of the word “tit”), and I have a few suggestions in that regard.
Give us ONE month without a performance by Orly Taitz & The Birthers, and we’ll suspend our propensity to nit-pick about proper spelling and grammar. Give us ONE week without Rush’s ramblings and we’ll give YOU a week without sporting our Birkenstocks (which, BTW, most of us wouldn’t be caught dead in, but we’re willing to go along to get along.)
Drop the phrase “homosexual agenda” from your vocabulary for six weeks, and we’ll STOP reminding you that you’re not on anyone’s radar screen – gay, straight, living and/or dead – as a potential sexual conquest.
In short, give us between now and the end of the year free of The Stupid, and we will – in all humility and generosity of spirit – stop pointing out how fuckin’ Stupid you actually are.
We’re not asking for a lot – a bit of common sense here, a dollop of actually looking at the facts there – it all adds up. And before you know it, the entire nation can enjoy a few precious weeks free of Teabaggers bitchin’ about being called by their own choice of name, never-been-laid (at least not without paying for it) religious fanatics who believe that homosexuality is an abomination because Jesus said so (even though he never actually did), and media whores opining on the opinions of political analysts who analyze poll numbers and statistics that emanate from a reliable source named Steve – who not only FaceBooks, but Twitters on a regular basis, just in case you thought his credentials were suspect.
Please understand that we don’t expect miracles here – just a respite from The Stupid. You are free to continue the usual displays of hypocrisy, along with the lies, deceit, and misrepresentations you’re now famous for. We’re not asking the leopard to change his spots – we’re simply imploring him to board-up the Stupid Well so that its waters cannot be drunk in the usual copious amounts.
This is a one-time, limited offer. Operators are standing by – AND, if you act now, we’ll throw in a bonus gift: Joe Lieberman (allegedly one of ours) will have his mouth duct-taped shut for the duration of the truce. I think that’s a concept we can ALL get behind.
Think about it – and run it past your Party Leaders. Ask them if you can suspend The Stupid long enough for the citizenry to at least remember what it was like to be somewhat sane.
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