Thought I'd post this here as it's mostly about CA

[EFerrari]

(Doug & I write or sponsor other comics to write a political comedy col for the SF Street Sheet. Thought some of you might like to peek.B.)

Street Sheet March Issue

Disclaimer: My name is Doug Ferrari, I have no porn sites on the Web, so don’t even look. I’m not a male escort, and I don’t pretend I’m a reporter. I’ve never had a press pass, and I’m not willing to blow Scott McClellan to get one.

So, how do you like having the Terminator for Gov? I thinks he’s done a good job. So far, we haven’t been attacked by killer robots from the future.

Why did Arnold want to be Governor anyway? He makes $30 million a movie, and that’s a million dollars a word, isn’t it? I know why he’s Governor. Every time a little old lady in an Indian casino pulls a lever, Arnold’s campaign gets a nickel.

For some reason, knowing that Ahnold met with the Enron boys before the Recall makes me go “Hmmmmmmmm”. It’s like, Grandma, beware! They might start turning dials and giving us fake and really expensive brownouts again. And, remember that during his campaign, Arnold promised an investigation into his sexual harassment history? (Do you remember or is “California Recall” an oxymoron?) Then he said he investigated himself. I hope he used both hands, to be fair.

People elected Arnold because in the movies, he’s a big hulking hero who protects people. But they didn’t elect the Terminator, they elected Schwarzenegger. He’s the guy who wants to cut services for housing, education, Medicare, services for the elderly and the disabled, and for animals. What do we need all of that for anyway?

Even with housing so messed up in California, the Gropenator is racking up bills living in exclusive hotels. Is he doing that on purpose, do you think, or is he just completely clueless? Didn’t any of those neoCons fill him in on the State’s sensitivities? Arnold doesn’t understand why anyone’s homeless. After all, there are plenty of Marriott Courtyard Hotels. .

Remember when he wanted to euthanize animals at the pound after 48 hours instead of 7 days? He got so many calls on that one, he had to give the dogs a pardon the very same day. But, it gives you an idea about how they decide what gets tossed out of the budget. The team goes into a huddle and figures out who has the biggest mobility problems. Do you think they worry about disabled people and cats hitting the freeways to go protest in Sacramento?

Arnold was talking about cleaning up baseball. What, is he nuts? Don’t our teams have to win to generate the big bucks? And, this is a guy who did more steroids than Jose Canseco and the Raiders combined. The guy’s balls must be the size of Grape Nuts.

He wants to redistrict California. Gives me flashbacks to Tom Delay’s Texas coup. What, will our Democratic congress people have to flee to Ensenada for weeks to avoid getting caught by Homeland Security? Do you know the room rates in Ensenada?

If he asked, I’d just say, let’s cut’er up into three slices. We’ll take the coast and the constitution. You can have Orange County and the Rapture. ‘Way up north, well, they’re already halfway to Vancouver. They should just run for it.

Arnold wants to make this a red state. Well, he can’t touch San Francisco. We’re our own little island. We’re the only county that didn’t vote for him. I say we start building the wall today. Then Newsom can charge visitors an entrance fee. You want to be blue for a day? That’ll be five bucks, hope you enjoy the park.

And it’s working. First they put out a hit on Davis. Then, they got rid of Kevin Shelley because he took a stand against those “no receipt, just trust me” electronic voting machines. The Chronicle had him on the front cover every day for months. He got more bad press than Michael Jackson and Paris Hilton put together, something that will never happen.

When Arnold was elected, his home town in Austria was going to build a big Terminator statue in his honor but they’ve cancelled it because he’s for the death penalty. They want to revoke his citizenship. When you’re too far to the right for the birthplace of Hitler, you automatically make the RNC’s Top Ten list.

(As I write this, Bush is in Europe. The worst thing about knowing Bush is on a “good will tour” is knowing that at some point, he will open his mouth. He’s mending fences by attacking Iran, Syria, and Russia. Mr. Diplomacy. Couldn’t we send Carter or some body else instead? Bush couldn’t be diplomatic if he had the mike in his ear again listening to Karen Hughes whisper one syllable words from a remote location.)

(This is the guy who picked Cantbeleeva Rice for Secretary Of State and “Abu Ghraib” Gonzales for Attorney General. Our prisons are already ordering dog leashes. And Michael Chertoff for Homeland Security, the guy who rounded up everybody with a beard after 9/11. They even arrested ZZ Top. John “Death Squads” Negroponte is going to be our new Intelligence Czar. These Iran/Contra guys keep coming back – we can’t get rid of them. Why not Oliver North for Treasury Sec? The End Times must be coming because this is the Cabinet From Hell.)

There’s been lots of Republican talk about changing the Constitution so Arnold could run for President. That’s good news. I didn’t know we still had the Constitution. Glad to see it made the cut.

Doug & Beth Ferrari

[Sequoia]

1. Neither did Sonoma County vote for him or

Los Angeles if I remember correctly. But you both are right as rain on everything. He will not get SF or Sonoma county.

[EFerrari]

2. Hope our readers are better informed than we are

and less informed than you are, Sequoia :)

That's actually very heartening news!