Rules of the Road in the Washington D.C. Metro Area

[WoodrowFan]

A coworker sent me these.

First, you must learn to call it by its rightful name. It is D.C., or "the District". Only tourists call it Washington.

Next, if your road map of Montgomery County is more than a few weeks old, throw it out and buy a new one. It's obsolete. If in Loudoun or Fairfax County and your map is one day old, it's already obsolete.

There is no such thing as a dangerous high speed chase in D.C. It's just another chase, usually on the BW
Parkway.

All directions start with "The Beltway"...which has no beginning and no end, just one continuous loop that
locals believe is somehow clarified by an "inner" and "outer loop" designation. This makes no sense to
ANYONE outside the Beltway.

The morning rush hour is from 5 to 11 AM. The evening rush hour is from 1 to 8 PM. Friday's rush hour starts
Thursday morning, especially during the summer on Route 50 eastbound.

If there is a ball game at the Redskins stadium, there is no point in driving anywhere near PG County. Tip:
Never say PG County to anyone from Mitchellville, Upper Marlboro or Fort Washington. They'll blow a vessel in their neck and go into a seizure.

If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear-ended and shot at. If you run the red light, be sure to smile for the $100 "picture" you will receive courtesy of DMV. (However, if you don't go as soon as the light turns
green, you will get cussed out in 382 languages, none of them English.)

Rain causes an immediate 50 point drop of IQ in drivers. Snow causes an immediate 100 point drop in
IQ and a rush to the Giant for toilet paper and milk.

Construction on I-270 is a way of life and a permanent source of scorn and cynical entertainment. It's ironic
that it's called an "Interstate," but runs only from Bethesda to Frederick. (Unless you consider Montgomery County another state,< BR>which some do). Opening in the 60's, it has been torn up and under
reconstruction ever since. Also, it has a "Spur" section which is even more confusing.

All unexplained sights are explained by the phrase, "Oh, we're in Takoma Park".

If someone actually has their turn signal on, they are by definition, a tourist.

Car horns are actually "Road Rage" indicators. Heed the warning.

All old ladies in Buicks have the right of way in the area of Leisure World.

Many roads mysteriously change their names as you cross intersections. Don't ask why, no one knows.

If asking directions in Arlington, Langley Park, Wheaton or Adams Morgan, you must know how to speak
Spanish. If in PG County, ebonics will be your best bet. In Annandale, a Cambodian or Vietnamese dialect
will come in handy. If on Dupont Circle, Capital Hill or U Street, a gay dialect helps. If you stop to ask
directions in Southeast... well just don't.

A t axi ride across town will cost you $12.50. A taxi ride two blocks will cost you 16.75.
(It's a zone thing, you wouldn't understand)

Traveling south out of DC on Interstate 395/95 is the most dangerous, scariest thing you will ever do.
There is nothing more comforting then seven lanes of traffic cruising along at 85 mph, BUMPER TO BUMPER!!!

The minimum acceptable speed on the Beltway is 85. Anything less is considered downright sissy.

The Beltway is our daily version of a NASCAR reality show. Strap up and collect points as you go.

The open lane for passing on all Maryland interstates is the far right lane because no self-respecting
Marylander would ever be caught driving in the "slow" lane. Unofficially, both shoulders are fair game also.

The far left lanes on all Maryland interstates are official "chat" lanes reserved for drivers who wish to
talk on their cell phones. Note: All mini-vans have priority clearance to use the far left at whatever speed the driver feels most comfortable multi-tasking in.

If it's 10 degrees, it's Orioles' opening day. If it's 110 degrees, it's the Skins opening day.

If the humidity is 90+ and the temperature is 90+, then it's May, June, July, August and sometimes September.

If you go to a Skins football game, pay the $75.00 to park in the stadium lot. It's cheaper then getting
towed or a citation. By law, you're not allowed to walk on the "public" roads around the stadium during game days.

[OldLeftieLawyer]

1. Hilarious, accurate, and, boy, oh, boy..........

.........am I glad I'm on the other side of the river in Virginia, where we're all sunshine and light and courtesy and thoughtfulness and speak nothing but English, and even then, it's only to wish you a pleasant day.

Unless, of course, you're on 95S (no one but a tourist calls it "395" - and remember why it's called that? Because Marion Barry burned up the funds to finish building 95 through the District. Another great Barry legacy.), and the tourons in their overstuffed vans are lined up in the right-hand lane at the Potomac Mills exit, so that they can go shopping at our Commonwealth's number one tourist spot.

And to think we also have Mount Vernon and Monticello.

But, no, the number one spot is a mall.

Don't forget the Mixing Bowl - that's another beauty - you have to increase your speed from 85 to 90 when going through the under-construction area where approximately 12 major highways feed into 95S, and it is your Consitutional, God-given duty to make sure you do not let ONE OF THEM merge safely into your lane.

I hold the distinction of being the first person to get busted by those damn cameras when they put them up in Alexandria about six years ago. I still have the ticket, with that lovely close-up of my license plate as I sailed through the intersection of Seminary Road and 95. My car took a nice picture, I must say...............

[Virginian]

7. 395 - 95 - 350?

I think I remember the stretch of 95 that is now 395 originally having the Route number 350. I could be wrong. The stretch between Woodbridge and Washington was named for Henry G Shirley. We always called it the Shirley Highway. My Dad's first name was Shirley and he told me the road was named after him. I believed him until I saw a sign one day, then I knew he was joking.

When I first moved to Alexandria in 1963, the road was concrete with tar and repairs on the joints making for a rhythmic ride.
It was two lanes in either direction and the shoulders were made of sand.

The W&OD railroad (now the bikepath) crossed on the road at Shirlington and traffic had to stop when the trains came through.

The Shirlington exit was a big circle above the highway.
Duke Street did not have southbound access. The beltway did not go completely around yet. Springfield did not have a Mall. Tyson's was just an intersection.

Back then, the "Mixing Bowl" was near the Pentagon where Washington Blvd merged into Shirley Hwy. I still think of that area when I hear traffic reports of the Springfield mixing bowl.

[northzax]

9. eh, who cares

you take the 14th street bridge to the mixing bowl. damn suburbs.

[Captain Hilts]

12. I STILL call it the "Shirley Highway."

I think of Shirley Povich.

But it clearly means 95/395 inside the Beltway. More folks should use it.

[American in Asia]

2. Kind of made me homesick!

Thanks for the grin - I needed one today.

[LiberalEsto]

3. Kind of made me sick of home

I live in Derwood, Maryland, just northwest of Rockville.
One item was omitted: Rockville Pike.

From the Route 28 intersection to beyond White Flint, the Rockville Pike (aka Rt. 355) is virtual gridlock, except on Saturdays, when it's twice as bad, and the December holidays, when it's four times as bad. Nobody in their right mind shops on Rockville Pike if there is an alternative.

[Captain Hilts]

13. I do whatever I can to avoid driving Rockville Pike.

It's become undrivable. And city engineers said it's actually WORSE on weekends.

[mcscajun]

4. I loved it! And here I thought Nothing could be more 'colorful' or

amusing than NYC traffic.

But, having been a 'frequent flyer' of 95South between NJ and Falls Church, and between NJ and Quantico for many years, I 'get it'.

Oh boy, do I get it. I will never, ever, EVER forget my first trip on the Beltway, at night. NASCAR is the apt metaphor for it. Nerves...You need 'em.

And the 'mixing bowl'? Oh, What Fun!

Thanks for sharing. :)

[kwassa]

5. Some of my rules

The far left lane on the freeway is where stupid people have the right to drive as slowly as they want, blocking everyone behind them. Trying to pass them is an affront to their right to determine everyone else's speed.

In the suburbs all roads are based on ancient deer paths and may change direction as much as 180 degrees in a mile or so. If you get off the freeway, you are on your own.

These same roads can change names as many times as they want, which is why Wisconsin becomes Rockville Pike outside Rockville, but becomes Hungerford Drive IN Rockville, and Frederick Road in Gaithersburg. Get it?

Or, some roads never change names, and like New Hampshire Avenue, keep their names when they become little country two-lane roads miles and miles from the District.

Traffic reports tell you about everything except the traffic you are stuck in now.

The potholes and lousy paving jobs on DC city streets are the strongest argument for the continued existence of off-road vehicles.

Road signs are considered a sign of weakness, and the District thereby informs drivers of street direction only as an occasional lapse.

District streets are completely logical. Except the ones named after states.

DC is the city that quakes at flakes. Two drops of moisture occuring together will cause traffic to slow to a turtle pace.

One fender bender anywhere on the Beltway can stop traffic all the way around to the far side of the Beltway, and there are no good alternative routes.

Drivers will still sit in traffic for hours and complain rather than take the Metro.

The HOV lane is the special lane for cheaters.

You are not allowed to speed any faster than the policeman in front of you who is driving 30 miles over the speed limit. You can get a ticket for that.

[lapopessa]

6. Funny, I think

Not sure though. Moved to DC 25 years ago, never had a car, never lived or worked outside the district. I do hear rumors about life out there though - does sound messy.

My own rules of the roads in DC includes: Always have your coffee before trying to cross Connecticut Ave. in the morning, because for some reason, only the third car with Maryland plates is able to actually stop at the red light. The first two will try and kill you.

[northzax]

10. I know- rockville pike?

where the hell is rockville, isn't that the place in the REM song?

I now work in Old Town, but I know King Street only. Besides that, I get blank looks on my face when someone mentions anything outside the perimeter...

[bertha katzenengel]

8. Fan-fucking-tastic.

:rofl:

[Captain Hilts]

11. If you're a vistor...DON'T DRIVE! (nt)