I found Jesus

[Mabus]

Well actually my brother found him. :woohoo:

He was behind the television in the living room. I have no idea how he got there.

[evilkumquat]

1. See, Now... That's Just Odd...

I usually find him under the couch cushions, next to the stale peanuts and loose change.

Evil Kumquat

[Mabus]

2. Believe it or not, that's where I was hoping he was

proud2Blib gave me a Jesus action figure she got from Memphis (and pictured below)



She drove 40+ miles run trip on New Year's Eve in the cold with snow in the forecast to give it to me. I lost him the next day and I've been looking for him ever since. I keep getting crap from several of my local DU'ers (for example see: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_mesg&forum=153&topic_id=7041&mesg_id=7049).

At first I thought maybe Buddha ate it. evlbstrd suspected some of my other toys got it but now it appears that Jesus was trying to get into my television to stop the tele-evangalists. At least that's my new story and I'm sticking to it. I'm just happy to have him back.

[evilkumquat]

3. Didn't They Have Kung-Fu Grip® Jesus?

And speaking of Buddha, the Big J is looking a bit rotund there in your photo.

He should lay off the carb-heavy communion wafers for a bit, I think.

Evil Kumquat

[Mabus]

5. You know how it is

The camera adds ten pounds.

And personally, I think the Big J looks a little stoned. And if he's stoned that would explain his reliance on carb-heavy wafers, if you know what I mean.

[evilkumquat]

13. Oops. I Inadvertently Accused The Savior® of Cannibalism

Sorry about that.

Evil Kumquat

[Mabus]

16. Don't worry about it

Just don't tell anyone what we dicuss here on the Kansas forum. We (especially me, proud, classicfilmfan and evl) tend to use the Kansas forum as our own funhouse. We hang out together whenever we can and we're a prety happy and sarcastic bunch. Don't let anyone know how weird our discussions are here. We're one of the best kept secrets of DU.

[BuelahWitch]

53. Yes, and none of us are sockpuppets either!

:rofl:At least...I don't think...:yoiks:
(Remembering my former icon )

[Mabus]

57. Well, at least that we know of

:rofl:

[BuelahWitch]

60. I think if I were Angel would have hidden me under the bed

by now!:rofl: I shudder to think what your puppies would do to you and the Admiral if you were sock puppets!:scared:

[Mabus]

62. Have you seen what the shepherd does to Barney?

and her other toys? She rips them open looking for the squeaker. She'd kill all of us. :scared:

[proud2BlibKansan]

23. In his Rio pose!

He looks happy to be re-united with you. :hug:

[evlbstrd]

4. He must have been looking for the remote.

Why didn't you help him? You're good at that.

[Mabus]

6. He's such a little dummy

I know where the remotes are, it's my mind that I've lost. :crazy:

[evlbstrd]

7. Maybe that's what's in the couch cushions.

[Mabus]

8. I'm so screwn

If my mind is there it is amongst the dog hair and other debris that has filter down through the cushions since the last time I vacuumed there. Now, when was Clinton president? I am so screwn.

On the other hand, it does explain why my mind feels like chaos most of the time.

[evlbstrd]

9. If you're screwn,

I'm screwner. Dog hair is the least of my worries.

[Mabus]

10. No way, man! I'm more screwn

My mind, or at least what's left of it, is covered in dog hair. That's a lot different than dog hair on your hat.

[evlbstrd]

11. Didn't I tell you?

Gup is in heat!

[Mabus]

12. Oh no!

In full heat or just building up to it? Shortly after we got our Shepherd she went into heat. We had one male dog out in the front yard seranading her 24/7 for a couple of weeks. Then the little shit tried to break into the house. He followed us every where. Thankfully he was small poodle, so the one time our Shepherd got away from us and the two of them met up, the poodle played air guitar, if you know what I mean. We kept her under control until she was out of heat and it was safe to take her to the vet. Oh man, that was a pain. She was bouncing off the walls and we couldn't take her to the dog park or anywhere else to let her run wild.

I'm glad I'm not in your position.

[evlbstrd]

14. She's winding down.

But she's a spaz to begin with. Now she's batshit. She's been trying to mount Bear. (I guess I should have "the talk" with her.) As soon as she's done, she's fixed.
I'm looking forward to that. I love watching puppies on anesthesia.

[Mabus]

15. Aren't they cute?

Dogs are funny when they're coming off anesthesia. After the lhasa had surgery she wouldn't leave my side. She wasn't sure what was going on but she knew something wasn't right. The other two came home and just wanted to go find an out of the way corner and sleep.

I certainly hope she doesn't lose her ferocity towards Republicans after she's fixed. That would be a big loss.

[evlbstrd]

17. Bear never lost her motherly instinct.

We're all her pups. She once ripped my nephew's nutsack open when he got rough playing around with a girl.

[Mabus]

18. What is it with your family and dogs?

A dog almost ate your brother's head and Bear, sweet little bear, hurt one of the kids! You guys need to watch "The Dog Whisperer" (on National Geographic) every once in a while. If you can pull yourself away from the television once in a while.

[evlbstrd]

19. We have good dogs.

Maybe just not your definition of good dogs.
Just don't get rough with anybody and the dogs won't get rough with you.
I don't get National Geographic.

[Mabus]

20. My three are angels

Perfect angels, 24/7. :eyes:

Every night when I first try to go to bed I spend at least five minutes trying to convince the Shepherd to let me on the bed. She likes sleeping on my side and once she's asleep she doesn't like to move. When the shih tzu feels I've slighted him he pees on my pillow. This is one of the reasons I have him. When he would get mad at my brother he would climb on his bed and leave little nuggets on his pillow. He's little but fights with what he has, so to speak. And when I try to be nice to the lhasa she'll growl at first and then walk away grumbling. If she's real upset, she'll leave the room and then turn around, stick her head back in the room and bark at me. And best of all, if one of the three dogs feel sick, they always, always go to my side of the bed and throw up.

Oh. Don't try to get rough with my dogs either. The Shepherd is still learning the difference between play bites and kill bites. The shih likes to launch himself at large dogs and he used to do the same thing with strangers. He bit a friend of ours. Fortunately our friend was wearing thick socks and the shih tzu doesn't have many teeth. And I won't even tell you about the death matches between the lhasa and the Admiral. Once he tried to move her off the bed and she bit him. She got him at least three times and drew blood before she scurried off and hid. And don't even try to get near her bowl :scared:. Hell, the Shepherd steers clear of her bowl because she's been attacked so many times.

No, my dogs are perfect angels.

The Dog Whisperer is now on DVD.

[evlbstrd]

21. From now on

I'm taking my advice on dogs from you. I don't get enough dog puke or urine in my bed.

[Mabus]

27. Now you know why I cater to them

They could really make my life a living hell if they wanted.

[evlbstrd]

29. They'll eat you!

[Mabus]

30. Scariest nights around here are pizza nights

The dogs, all of them, would risk their lives to get a taste of pizza. They've all stolen at least one slice a piece in their lives. You can leave plates of any other food out and they're able to stave off their animalistic tendancies. But put a pizza in front of them and they lose their little minds.

After we have a pizza night we usually sleep with one eye open. I think those dogs would rip into us in our sleep if we didn't. :scared:

[evlbstrd]

31. Gup likes us best after we eat.

She climbs up and tries to lick any flavors she can find on your face.

[Mabus]

32. We call that portion of the meal

crumb check.

[evlbstrd]

33. An excellent name.

Bear is very well behaved and never indulges herself that way. She does stare while you eat, but that's the extent of it. I hope she teaches Gup some manners.

[Mabus]

34. Another of our favorite food-related terms is

lunchy. It means you're wearing part of your lunch.

edited because I needed to.

[evlbstrd]

35. I'm intrigued.

Too bad I didn't find this until after the edit.

[Mabus]

36. It was no big deal

I typed "good-related" instead of "food-related" but then realized that it didn't make any sense so I edited it.

[BuelahWitch]

48. Gees my cat is nicer than your dogs!

She only leaves me "nuggets" when I've been away for a few days. She did throw up in bed a few times though. :eyes: Generally she's pretty good as long as her food dish is full and she gets worshiped at least twice a day.

[Mabus]

58. Thankfully

there have been no, um, "incidents" in quite a while. The last time the little shih tzu sprinkled my pillow was shortly after the Shepherd arrived. He was expressing his disappointment. He didn't feel he had be adequately consulted before the new adoption. At least now you know why we always have so much bleach on hand.

[proud2BlibKansan]

24. LOL Ask him to tell you the cat story!

It involves a UHaul, the neighbor's cat and a couple states.

[Mabus]

26. It sounds like the setup for a bad joke

I can't wait to hear it. :spray:

[evlbstrd]

38. Are you saying my life is a bad joke?

*sniff*

[Mabus]

39. Not at all

A long time ago two friends of mine and I were thinking about renting a house together. As we sat in the student union going through ads yet another friend of ours happened by. He asked what we were doing. We told him that we were looking at houses. He cracked up laughing. We asked him why he was laughing and he said, "There's got to be a bad joke here. It will start off with, "once there was a Jew, an Indian and a lesbian were house-hunting . . . "

Never mind, you had to be there. But I wasn't saying you're life is a bad joke.

[evlbstrd]

45. Now, that does sound like a setup.

Now I feel compelled to tell the story of the cat.
My dad, evlfthr, used to live outside of Dallas in a trailer with his second wife. The trailer sat on stacks of concrete blocks. They were blessed by gravity and luck, because there was a lot of shit in that trailer. My mom would scold me, saying "It's a Mobile Home." She lived in a few, too.
Anyway, our repub evlbthr K, who works for the Evil Software Corporation as the Evil Software Guru in the National Headquarters of the Evil National Retail Corporation we all love to hate cashed in most of Evil Capalist Stock and bought a fairly sizable junk of property in the southern most part of the state. It was planned that evlfthr would move to this place, which was incredibly isolated and beautiful, and retire.

So, we had to move him.

We four evlbrthrs devised a plan. evlbrthr K would help me and TazKCMO rent a car (us being transportationally challenged at the time) using his Evil Corporate Credit Card. We and the fourth evlbrthr, M, would rendevous in Texas, where evlfthr had a moving truck ready to load along with his old Cadillac. evlbrthrs K and M each had pickup trucks. K was pulling his sailboat all the way from Phoenix.

We got there on a Thursday night. The place was already in the usual moving uproar, with boxes everywhere and evlstpmm barking out orders. Once the four of us and evlfthr, beer, whiskey and other fun stuff coalesced, and all of us.having driven for hours, nothing else would get done.

To be continued...

[Mabus]

47. Waiting for the second installment

:donut:

[evlbstrd]

49. It'll be coming tonight.

My employer is being unreasonable, insisting on me working and all.

[Mabus]

50. It figures

It figures that today of all days your employer wants you to work. My employer is in KCC today. I'm rather proud of myself because, instead of goofing off all afternoon, I've been cleaning (got rid of two more boxes of crap today!) and what-not.

Well, I'll probably be busy tonight working on whatever my employer brings home and needs done. That's the big drawback of my employer being gone during work time. I just want you to know that you have my full attention. I'm so excited. I can hardly wait to find out what happens next. I'll check back later.

[evlbstrd]

51. It's exciting, isn't it?

Won't you be pissed if it goes on and on only to end with a really horrible punchline? I know a joke like that. It would make you want to hit me.

[Mabus]

52. Wow

I think you've just encapsulated my life with your question: "Won't you be pissed if it goes on and on only to end with a really horrible punchline?"

:crazy:

Oh yeah. I probably would smack you. :spank:

[evlbstrd]

54. OK, the cat story, continued.

The next morning/afternoon, whatever it was (we were very fuzzy at that point) we got started loading shit into every vehicle we had with us, including the sailboat. evlfthr insisted we get on the road that day. We had everything out in a few hours and thought, "That wasn't so bad." The hardest part was keeping all of the dogs and cats from around the trail...er...mobile home park out. Then evlfthr decided that those kitchen cabinets were pretty new and he didn't want to leave them behind. So, we had to take those down and rearrange the big truck to fit them in. Then it was time for more beer and to hit the highway. We each had a little walkie-talkie with us so we could coordinate on the road. We headed north for Oklahoma in heavy wind and rain. After turning right at OK City, we stopped in some other town and got motel rooms for the night. In the morning, we had a huge breakfast and hit the road until lunch. For that, evlfthr wanted to eat at some buffet/cafeteria place. So lunch took a very long time since we wanted to try everything they had. If we didn't like it we threw it at each other. (This was much better than the time fifteen of us walked into a Village Inn smelling from the skunk attack earlier in the day.)
The last leg of the trip was through the Ozarks of southern Missouri, with one more stop at a tiny little shack of a store for beer. And we finally rolled up to the house a little more than 24 hours after leaving Dallas.
We backed the big truck up to the house and opened up the back and started unloading. We got to the stuff at the very back, up in the space over the cab of the truck. evlbrthr K pulled a box out and a cat came shooting out of there. K just about shit himself, which we all found very amusing, although he didn't think it was funny at all. Republicans. And Jack, the one-eyed Labrador, chased the cat up the hill and into the woods, never to be seen again. The cat, that is. Jack came back.
The next day, we went into town to buy a shotgun for amusement.

edit:
Or was I supposed to tell you about the cat named Frank we used to have when we were but wee evlkds? We had heard that cats always land on their feet...

[Mabus]

55. roflmaowtime

:rofl:

I hate when stuff like that happens. I laughed so hard I almost wet my pants.

[evlbstrd]

56. Just another day with the evls.

[Mabus]

59. Aint life grand?

And for the life of me I don't understand people who don't think the Farrelly Brothers aren't funny. Obviously, you have to have lived a certain kind of life (like the ones you and I lead) to understand the humor.

[evlbstrd]

61. Those guys are hilarious.

They could be our cousins!
What's ROFLMAOWTIME?

[Mabus]

63. LOL

roflmaowtime means rolling on the floor laughing my ass off with tears in my eyes. You know, a really good, deep-down laugh-a-thon.

[evlbstrd]

64. thanks for the clarification.

I've had a good week. I won 1.5 million Euros in the Netherlands Lottery the other day, and found out this morning that I stand to inherit 1.5 million Pound Sterling. Life is good.

[Mabus]

65. I should have expressed my reaction thusly

You too?!? I've been having a good week too. I found out I was chosen off a short list of trusted advisers to help move some of Saddam's hidden cache of money and I also qualified for a free pass to several porn sites for a whole month! Not only that, but, and you are not going to believe this: I can get a really cheap loan from a Christian mortgage house. The money will come in handy, as I have also been receiving some really hot stock tips and apparently I need to order some Cialis, or was it Viagra, for my flaccid penis. :shrug: :scared: I think I might have to go to the doctor. I didn't know I had one of those.

[evlbstrd]

37. I forgot about that one.

That's a great story. I'll make her beg me.

[Mabus]

40. Better watch out what you ask for

When I was in law school a prof once complained in front of me about the lack of respect professors were getting lately. Naturally I couldn't pass up the chance to make him miserable. I dropped to the floor and started genuflecting in front of him while saying stuff like "glory to professors for they show us the light," "all hail the profs for they allow us to bask in their knowledge" and "I'm not worthy." You know me, once is never enough. For months, every time I saw this prof, whether it was in line to get coffee at the Burge Union or in the student commons, I would prostrate myself and sing his praises. He finally asked me to stop and said I was embarrassing him.

[tazkcmo]

41. Cat Story

And it has a happy ending.

[proud2BlibKansan]

42. Not the way you guys told it!

Well maybe you guys were happy, but I have a feeling the cat was not.

[tazkcmo]

43. See?

Not only was I happy, evlbstrd and the rest happy, the dog was happy and our repuke brother was NOT!
He about peed his panties

[tazkcmo]

44. Nighty Nite

I just popped on to say hi and I hated that cat. Gonna eat some beans, fart and go to sleep. Night nite ladies!

[proud2BlibKansan]

46. And that poor cat

:cry:

[proud2BlibKansan]

22. That evil Ringo probably hid him

[Mabus]

25. Ringo was muttering some stuff the other day

about being bigger than Jesus or something. :shrug: I don't put it past him.

[proud2BlibKansan]

28. Those drummers can be so strange

:scared: