My letter to a scumbucket landlord in Hammond Louisiana

[Chomskyite]

This is a slumlord named Kenny Dean. I had to move out of his apartment because of a toxic disaster: a septic tank backup caused a leak in the kitchen ceiling which built up and then exploded, spewing black mold everywhere. So I had little time to do clean up. He then took the opportunity to replace carpeting, to have hundreds of dollars worth of fumigation done and to charge me $1200 for it. That eats up the $400 deposit and makes me theoretically liable for $888 more.

If I dont pay the whole thing he says I'll "hear from his lawyer."

Here's what I am thinking of sending him in reply:

Kenny, Oct 5, 2006

You will of course not receive a single dime from me. I don’t even have to bother getting an attorney to know that is certain. You are delusional, and your demands are preposterous.

I suppose it’s a character flaw in me that I actually enjoy the effort of stubbing cow pasture grub worms like you deeper into the dried out filth you live in. But I will take pleasure in defending myself should you actually spend the thousand or more dollars to bring a court case against me. I will take especial pleasure in knowing you’ll be spending hours and hours trying to line up faked receipts for the fiction your letter concocts. But the primary pleasure will be in you spending the thousands necessary to see the first penny from any garnishment of my meager teaching salary. Even if you win, you will not get a dime till you have spent many times the amount you suppose I owe.

The Louisiana Attorney General will get as much paper (including this admittedly smart-ass one) and photography as has been generated already by this foolishness. As will the Better Business Bureau, the Hammond Daily Star and the Department of Environmental Quality. It’s the least I can do. It will take maybe half an hour. Twenty minutes longer than it took to write this. Maybe they blow me off. Maybe they don’t.

I mention the DEQ for this reason: I got the hell out of your stench-ridden slum so quickly--yes leaving a cleaning job but nothing on the scale of what you allege--because your kitchen ceiling exploded with a sewer leak. The explosion left shards of black mold covered debris all over the floor. I worked around that for 3 days. But I took pictures and I filed a report with the city of Hammond Code Enforcement Office.

The report and the photos have already been sent to the DEQ. The tenants living in 2 now are already informed of the biohazard you likely did a band-aid job on. They’re also informed they’re paying nearly twice what I did. So is the rest of the building. Enjoy that, Kenny. You chose that.

The only expenses I could understand a deduction from the deposit for are the replacements of the blinds and some customary cleaning. You hardly spent $95 to replace those blinds. I have been to that apartment recently to try to pick up some unforwarded mail (you hadn’t changed either lock either, by the way). Those are the same $4 Fred’s dollar store blinds you stuck me with which fall apart at the merest disturbance. The front blinds fell off the window one week after I signed the lease. I would have spent the $8 to replace them, but I simply ran out of time in my rush to get out of a sewage/black mold health risk

You had your chance to be a human being capable of some measure of shame. But you had to try to keep that $400 and you HAD to threaten me. Something about me, the life I lead, the respect I am accorded really GALLS you, Kenny. But I think you’d need ten lifetimes to learn that to actually be respected, you have to be worthy of it. When people lay eyes on you, when they hear you try to speak, you make it clear what kind of bottom feeding swamp slime you are. Letting septic tanks fill up and explode because you’re cheap and lazy is NOT a way to fix your problem. Bringing professors to court so you can have your go at somebody you’ve deceived yourself into thinking is some kind of elitist is NOT the way to help yourself.

Enjoy yourself Kenny and the sewage you’ll always wallow in. I pity you. I get to get up in the morning and teach the great works of American Literature. You get up and see if you can scare somebody into letting you keep their damn deposit or fool somebody into thinking the toilet doesn’t flush because women are flushing tampons.

Sic that lawyer on me, Kenny. I can’t wait! And if you THINK about hiring thugs to visit me, they better wear Kevlar! The $888 of mine that you covet will buy a pretty good glock.

With grattitude for livening up my week,

Me

[Wash. state Desk Jet]

1. Indeed!

I shortened your letter , take a look,

I looked over your request- or demand. You may seek gratification elsewhere as predators do.

The next worst thing to a sex offender -rapest/child moulester, one who is without conscience ,-is what ever or who ever is behind this demand of payment,- be it you or your lawer or you all for that matter.

We shall see you in court ,if it comes down to that, and do not forget,-you must wear orange on that day.

[Chomskyite]

2. If only jail awaited the loser in small-claims court, eh?

That would sure liven up any episode of Judge Judy.

[Wash. state Desk Jet]

3. Should that predator come to know ,,

:, That your deposit comes back to you -and furthermore the added miscellanies inconvenience costs in addition ,plus the health hazzord issues come at a cost- and the cost of relocating -fleeing for your health and well being,and personnel sanity . Add it all up ,it comes down to a major lawsuit.

The predator was trying to push you over the edge, and truely needs to be sued in every way possible.

The best way to screw them is to sue them.