NEBRASKA DUers: You gotta see this. I know you'll know who

[acmavm]

this guy is talking about. I almost choked I laughed so hard:

http://www.mahorky.com/index.php?archive=view&x=14

<snip>

Ass-ailment
Posted by: Ben, on 07/06/2005

Around where I live there is a law office consisting entirely of ambulance chasers: “The law offices of Ronald. J. Palagi.” Their primary purpose is to cause grief and make money on the behalf of what are otherwise healthy people at the expense of normal people who follow the law. I mention this because as we speak, I feel as though the entire law offices of Ronald J. Palagi have moved into the part of my anatomy formerly housing my anus.

Imagine an entire office of falsely dramatic lawyers and how utterly difficult and uncomfortable to live with they would be. Now, put them all into your anus. The result is the most mind-bogglingly blinding itching sensation I believe has ever been felt. It is a tense-all-of-my-muscles-up-and-tremble type of itchiness. An itchiness that can cause a person to invent new curse words, affirm one’s belief in the devil, lose complete control of facial expressions, and try everything possible to defeat the nemesis.

I tried attacking my bung hole with an arsenal of brilliant tactics. I tried cleansing the law office from my poop shoot with simple water and soap, tried a coat hanger to fish it out, I was even so desperate as to attempt to drown it into unconsciousness in the bathtub. During one especially excruciating period of leg-thumping discomfort, I toyed with the idea of carefully soldering the edges, plugging my nose, closing my mouth, then sneezing and shooting the bastard out at two hundred miles per hour. Perhaps I would even shoot it at a cat, because everything is more entertaining after the inclusion of a cat.

Worse than its persistence was the fact that the law offices of Ronald J. Palagi (As my terrible affliction shall henceforth be known) were becoming more intense. As if possessing some musical quality, the song of the butt lawyers was becoming louder like it was building to some horrific finale in which my butt hole opens up and swallows me whole, then wanders the world, ever in search of scratching posts and people injured in car accidents. Understandably, it was having a noticeable impact on my daily life.

Walking the streets, during moments of great trepidation the immense pain-itchiness combination would force partially formed thoughts and memories to come crashing through my mouth “Cal Ripken Junior, three gallons of skim milk, banana-rama!!” I would proclaim at the general public. My walk had lost all semblance of order and balance, replaced by what would be expected if you were to instruct an intoxicated yeti-zombie to tap dance. Mothers covered the ears of their children and herded them away quickly. Even the crazy people spoke in hushed whispers, pointing disappointedly as I passed. I simply had to evict Ronald J. Palagi from my crack.

<snip>

[BensMom]

1. Yikes

I can hear the tv commercials now....

[acmavm]

2. The visuals would be something too.

[empg]

3. ass crack

You don't know your ass crack from a hole in the ground! "Their primary purpose is to cause grief and make money on the behalf of what are otherwise healthy people at the expense of normal people who follow the law." Now,I would like to know is this from a personal experience that this law office's only purpose is to cause grief and make money . . . . ? If so, then vent elsewhere and not on a public forum. Yes, I know you published this over 3 years ago but this ridiculous! These people are there for other people who are in need of help. I hope every time you look at the back of the Qwest yellow page phone book you think of how ridiculous and stupid your message is when you see Ronald J. Palagi's picture on the back of it!

[boilerbabe]

4. Well, I certainly have never contemplated my buttcrack

in such an exhaustive and lyrical way! Haaaaa! I don't know the legend of Mr. Palagi, but I am hoping that I won't need to find out whilst traipsing around Omaha....