Agriculture Secretary Mike Johanns Makes The Onion

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Secretary Of Agriculture Keeps Bragging He's Ninth In Line For The Presidency
January 25, 2006 | Issue 42•04

WASHINGTON, DC—Beltway insiders report that since his appointment in February 2005, Agriculture Secretary Mike Johanns has been preoccupied with the fact that he is ninth in the line of presidential succession.

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Agriculture Secretary Mike Johanns.

Said Johanns: "It's really something to think that, if the president and the vice-president, the speaker of the house, the president pro tempore of the Senate, the secretary of state, the secretary of the treasury, the secretary of defense, the attorney general, and the secretary of the interior were somehow unable to fulfill their capacities as president, I would have to be the one to take up the mantle."

Those close to him say that Johanns never expressed any particular knowledge of or interest in presidential succession prior to his appointment as head of the U.S. Department of Agriculture.

"If you've ever wondered what it's like to be nine heartbeats away from the presidency, just ask Mike," Deputy Secretary Chuck Conner said. "He'll tell you."

Johanns said he has promised his children that should he become president, he will not allow the press to exploit them or put them in the spotlight.

"I used to be intimidated by it a little," Johanns said. "But now that I've had a chance to settle into the post of the presidency nine times removed, I finally feel up to the challenge. God forbid it should ever come to that, but if my country needs me to take the helm of the ship of state, I'm ready."

Last Thursday, Johanns testified before the Senate Appropriations Subcommittee On Agriculture, Rural Development, And Related Agencies about the potential dangers of avian flu communicability within the poultry industry.

"Alarmingly, bird flu can attack, and possibly kill, people in their prime. If we don't take aggressive preventive steps now, people from all walks of life—even the eight most important people in the executive branch of our government—could be victims."


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http://www.theonion.com/content/node/44681

[TheFarseer]

1. That's a scary thought

That POS is #9? Of course he wouldn't have any idea what to do without bush and cheney pulling his strings. If bush said, "Mike, let's increase ag exports by machine gunning every cow in America." Johanns would say, "great idea, I'll get right on it."