February 28, 2005
The Top 10 Conservative Idiots
Fourth Annual Oscar Special!
Yes, it's Oscar time again! This year's categories include Most Surreal use of Homophobic Propaganda, Worst Actor In A Leading Role, Best Defilement Of The Language Of Jefferson, and Biggest Bunch Of Morons. The nominations list is packed with a galaxy of stars including USA Next (1), George W. Bush (2), Jeff Gannon (4), The Traditional Values Coalition (5), and Arnold Schwarzenegger (7). Yes, it's the closest Arnie is ever going to get to owning a real Oscar. So come on in and enjoy the glitz and glamor that is Democratic Underground's Top 10 Conservative Idiots Fourth Annual Oscar Special! Don't forget the
key...
USA Next Most Surreal Use Of Homophobic Propaganda: During the last election conservatives realized that these days it doesn't matter how outrageous your lies are because the media won't bother explaining why you're a liar. Instead, in order to be "fair and balanced," the media will actually help out by giving your lies the old "some people say..." treatment. After all, the Corporate Media don't want to be accused of being liberal, do they? So any old bullshit from the right is now treated as if it's an alternate version of the truth. Exhibit A: the Swift Boat Veterans, and the fact that somehow - thanks, "liberal" media - a lot of people have gotten the idea that George W. Bush's Vietnam record was more honorable that John Kerry's. Which is the complete opposite of the truth. Pretty amazing, huh?
...
Got that everyone? While the AARP is advising its members on the dangers of Bush's Social Security privatization scheme, USA Next informs us of the reeeeal AARP Agenda: to get rid of the military and replace it with hot man-on-man action. If I may slip into the Internet vernacular for a moment, WTF? I mean, talk about a non sequitur.
According to the New York Times, USA Next "has hired Chris LaCivita, an enthusiastic former marine who advised Swift Vets and P.O.W.'s for Truth, formerly known as Swift Boat Veterans for Truth, on its media campaign and helped write its potent commercials." The results, as you can see above, are fabulous. And Chris LaCivita isn't the only one - USA Next has either hired or is looking to hire several more people connected to the Swift Boat Veterans.
So as America attempts to have a serious debate on the future of Social Security, be on the lookout for more USA Next commercials over the coming weeks. Before you know it, the reeeeal AARP agenda will involve singing the praises of Osama bin Laden while dancing on the Ten Commandments.
George W. Bush Best Attempt At Keeping A Straight Face Considering The Circumstances: Our Great Leader was on a European vacation last week, and what a jolly time he had! After deciding that spending most of his first term publicly scorning the French and Germans wasn't very good foreign policy, Bush tried to make nice by sucking up to Jacques Chirac and Gerhard Schroeder and, um,
accidentally insulting NATO Secretary-General Jaap de Hoop Scheffer. Of course, having learned that invading a country without any international support doesn't often bring the best results, it did appear as if Bush was just trying to get the Yurpeans to help out with his next invasion. Not that there's going to be another invasion, let me make that clear! Why, Bush
said just last week that it is "simply ridiculous" to think that the US might invade Iran. Five seconds later he followed up with, "Having said that, all options are on the table." Including the simply ridiculous options, apparently. Bush also took the time to visit with his old friend Vladimir "Pootie-Poot" Putin, where he had a bit of a rough time. During a press conference, an obviously confused Bush offered up
this interesting statement: "I live in a transparent country. I live in a country where decisions made by government are wide open." Right... so you'll be telling us who was on the Energy Policy Task Force, then? Or why your administration finagled all that "evidence" about Iraq's WMD capabilites? Or who outed Valerie Plame? Or who was responsible for the Jeff Gannon scandal? Or... oh, forget it.
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