Grace Nearing's 10 Books Not to Read Before You Die

[Miss Authoritiva]

Grace Nearing’s 10 Books Not to Read Before You Die

This London Times column got me thinking: What do I regret having spent my time reading, and why did I ever read these books anyway? After much thought, here’s my final list of books, complete with excuses.

#1 Eloise, by Kay Thompson

Eloise is a little girl -- a force of nature, really -- who lives at The Plaza Hotel in New York in a long ago time when pedophiles didn’t yet exist and bumptious children could wander freely through the metropolis. This classic children’s story left me with a lifelong disappointment that suburban homes don’t come with Room Service.

Reason for reading: big print/small words, four-color cover too enticing to resist


#2 The Baltimore Catechism, by The Third Plenary Council of Baltimore*

The fundamentals of Catholicism reduced to 25,000 straightforward sets of questions and answers. No discussions or clarifications necessary!

*Note: The special deluxe edition featuring pop-up cutouts of the Milk Bottles of Sin is exempt from this do-not-read list.

Reason for reading: required indoctrination


#3 Twixt Twelve and Twenty: Pat Talks to Teenagers, by Pat Boone

That’s right, the uber-bland pop singer from the Fifties and current WorldNetDaily columnist discusses Eisenhower-era social hygiene and offers commonsensical dating do’s and don’ts, including what to do when your naughty parts get all bulbous and tingly at the high-school weenie roast.

Reason for reading: stoned

For books Nos. 4 through 10, click here.

What books do you recommend not reading?


Grace Nearing @ Scriptoids

[Iggo]

1. Why am I tempted...

...to read numbers 3, 8, and 10?

Why would I do that to myself, after being warned not to?

[babylonsister]

2. Ha! Loved the 'reasons for reading'! My contribution: anything by

Danielle Steele.

[NashVegas]

3. Why?

I have to wonder if the blogger works as an editor at the publishing house for a lot of that stuff. I mean, why would anyone pick up a lot of that in the first place?

[Miss Authoritiva]

4. You're close...

My family owned a used book store, which I treated as my personal library of some 40,000 books. It's amazing what you'll read if the stuff is around and you're in the right mood.

[Number9Dream]

5. Alvy Singer (Woody Allen) told Annie Hall (Diane Keaton):

"Don't take any courses where they make you read Beowulf."

Good advice.

[Manifestor_of_Light]

6. Hilarious and sad.

On Amazon.com under "Twixt Twelve and Twenty" by Pat Boone.

No reviews yet, but "Reading Level:Baby-Preschool"


:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

[mockmonkey]

7. Pat Boone...

The original "Dick in a Box". He had SNL beat by 50 years.

[Cleita]

8. Beowulf.

Saxon barbarians get drunk in the mead hall, get into fights, kill each other and then when the survivors sober up in the morning, blame it on a monster and when the situation repeats, blames it on the monster's mother.

Reason for reading; Required in English Lit course.

I needed a few tankards of mead afterwards.