Wednesday, Jul 28, 2010 15:40 ET
"Breakthrough With Tony Robbins": Robbins needs a little self-help
The "peak performance coach's" new show is a miserable failure. Can he follow his own advice?
By Heather Havrilesky
"Whatever you think your biggest problem is, I personally guarantee, most of the planet would love to have your horrific problem." Motivational guru Tony Robbins is reminding me and 452 other video chat participants that we Americans are soft and spoiled and have a bad habit of overreacting to our tiny little troubles with stress and depression and panic attacks. I can only assume that the sorts of lethargic, self-hating ovens (myself included) who tune in for an interactive kick-in-the-ass from Robbins via the Huffington Post might agree.
But Robbins is the first to say that he understands completely. You see, years ago, Robbins was living in a 400-square-foot bachelor apartment in Venice, Calif. He was broke and he was exactly 38 pounds overweight and he was sitting around watching Luke and Laura on "General Hospital" when – Knock! Knock! – someone knocked on the door of his apartment. When he opened the door, there stood an old friend he hadn't seen in years. Robbins was so humiliated that this person saw what a worthless, dumpy human parasite he had become (albeit one who, despite his depressed state, likely knew his exact fat-to-muscle ratio) that he immediately went on a long run on the beach. "I was making this radical change in my physical biochemistry," Robbins half-shouts at us, making his impromptu jog sound roughly akin to teleporting or spontaneous combustion or time travel.
But that's the glory of Tony Robbins, isn't it? Despite his rather simple point -- working out really helps soap-opera-watching shut-ins to feel less depressed -- his story soon takes the shape of a personal epiphany. But then, this is a man who's transformed common-sense wisdom into a multitiered global brand, a man who has the cojones to call himself a "human potential consultant" and a "peak performance coach," a man who's magically transformed his lazy-fat-guy jog on the beach and every other humdrum experience he's ever had into a series of dramatic, life-changing narratives with which he can inspire an entire nation to "play the game of life higher than you are now."
"We have a need to feel important," Robbins explains to one video chat participant a few minutes later in his earnest, scratchy voice, his tone hinting that, even after two decades of this, he's still pumped up by his own simple wisdom nuggets. And even though he's talking fast, dropping a flurry of oft-repeated gems like "We've entered winter (the recession), and winter will get rid of some of the old values" and "Everybody has something that will make them finally make change a must and not a should" and "Go read the stories of human beings who have been through hell and back and have taken their lives to a new level," I'm starting to feel more inspired and energized in spite of myself. What the hell is wrong with me? I need to leave this pap behind and get back to work!
"There are six needs," Tony says as if he's speaking right to me. That's it, I can't escape. I'm in awe of this man. Exactly six needs! Think of what you or I could do, if we had half of Robbins' courage of conviction!
We can only assume that Need No. 4 is "Star on your own self-help reality show on NBC," but now that feel-good program "Breakthrough With Tony Robbins" (8 p.m. Tuesdays) has been pronounced dead on arrival thanks to horrific ratings (it was the lowest-rated network show in its time slot on Tuesday), Robbins may need to retreat to his Fiji mansion for a few weeks, hoping for his own breakthrough.
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