And now, dear listeners, it's time once again for America's favorite saga, SPRING VALLEY...

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SPRING VALLEY

Brook's illegitimate half-brother Blake returns to Spring Valley to claim the family fortune now that rich Uncle Lionel has passed away. Little does he know that Fiona, Spring Valley's only dental hygienist, is having an affair with Blain, who is Cressida's second cousin on her mother's side. Meanwhile at Stoneway Manor, it is revealed that Alexander did not invent the Q-Tip.


When we last left Stoneway Manor, it was discovered that Alexander had not, in fact, invented the Q-Tip. This led the infamous Dr. Thromberg, noted Neurologist and Polka band leader, to exclaim with glee "I am the father of Blake Covington's baby!" Meanwhile across town at rival estate Fountainbleu Lake, Gretchen Harcourt is about to discover a terrible family secret.


Gretchen Harcourt of Fountainbleu Lake has discovered a terrible family secret; her father is none other than Cornelius "Porky" Morkem III, the town Mayor and gadfly extraordinaire who's rumored to have associated with several underworld characters. Meanwhile, Amber Simmons, perfume heiress and Spring Valley High School's former "Girl most likely to", plans to tell Drake Preston the truth.


‎"I did it, Drake! I did it and I'm GLAD that I did it!" Drake was flabbergasted by Amber's earth-shattering secret: she had been a pole dancer for the CIA. Meanwhile, Constance & Cyril Frye, the sinister couple who own and operate the old mortuary, stumble upon a piece of Spring Valley history...a devastating piece of history that could tear the town apart.


When we left Spring Valley, the tiny hamlet's sordid history had been uncovered by the sinister Constance and Cyril Frye. Town founder Terrance "Lippy" Wanksworthy was really none other than notorious crime figure Theodore "The Big Moo" O'Callahan. Meanwhile, treachery abounds at the Stanton House as Portia accuses Demetrius of the unthinkable.


When we last left Stanton House, Portia accused Demetrius of squandering the family fortune and wearing white after Labor Day. Meanwhile, a new scandal is brewing at Southhaven: who is the father of Calpurnia Monroe's illegitimate lovechild?


Calpurnia Monroe won't divulge the name of her child's father. Is it Cameron "Cammy" Claude? Dr. Brock "Boom Boom" LaBrae? Beaky Weatherwax? Bertram "Berty" Cogsworth? Bradford "Skippy" Watson? Algernon "Perriwinkle" Cruthers? Sir Horton Wadsworth Farnbone holds the key, but the former bodyguard and Miss America contestant hasn't spoken a word since that unforgettable day at the Coventry Hotel.


Sir Horton fled in shame from the Coventry Hotel when it was revealed that he had posed in the nude for "Garden and Guns" magazine, leaving him to exclaim "Aarrrgggfffth!" when questioned about the paternity of the Monroe lovechild. Meanwhile, the Crestwood Estate is the setting for intrigue and mayhem when Mr. Jordan confronts Caledonia Wilkes Sanders about the overall size and firmness of her head.


The Crestwood estate was thrown into a quandry when Mr. Jordan cried, "Caledonia, Donia, what makes your big head so hard?" He was unaware that Caledonia Wilkes Sanders had a steel plate put into her head when she was hit with a 2X4 during the Mexo-American War. Meanwhile, Carlotta Thorndike is caught with Basil Fitzhugh, Spring Valley's silent but deadly yam magnate and heir to the accursed "Hopeless Diamond."


When we last left Spring Valley, Carlotta and Basil were having a torrid affair that ended in tragedy when Basil was caught in an industrial hair weave machine. Meanwhile, nobody is prepared for the devastation to come as Penelope "Babs" Lindstrom returns to seek vengeance on former beau Lawrence Bottsworth Simon.


Penelope Lindstrom has returned to Spring Valley to wreak havok on Lawrence Bottsworth Simon. Unbeknownst to her, Simon had recently undergone species re-assignment surgery so as to marry Esther the Cow, famous Twigglesberry Farms spokes-heifer. Meanwhile, a mystery buyer has purchased the sinister old Fortescue estate, site of the infamous Arbor Day massacre of 1909.


The ancient Fortescue estate has a new owner; Lenore "Taffy" Pendelton, who may or may not have murdered her 3rd husband Ridge Davenport when she caught him in the arms of Tatyana "Fi Fi" Yurgenovski, Molly dancer and former Soviet double agent during the Luke Warm War. Meanwhile, what are those strange sounds that can be heard coming from the home of Colonel and Mrs. Bannister Fipplesby?


When we last left Spring Valley, strange sounds could be heard coming from the home of Colonel and Mrs. Bannister Fipplesby. Could it be the innocent scratchings of their estranged inbred son Hector who had long since disappeared from a Camp Kittamahaha macrame class? Meanwhile, Winifred Lane Cortland, illegitimate cousin of Cadbury Cortland, Jr. and Alexis "Fanny" Warrington, is in for a rude awakening.


Winifred Lane Cortland gets her comeuppance when it's revealed that she is actually Count Maximillion DeCarlo, inventor of the "Strapless Wonder Jock" and missing heir apparent to the Van Fegenbaum fortune. Meanwhile, things are not what they seem at Stretchmark Manor when Carlotta Bowles Morgan marries the wrong man!


Stretchmark Manor is torn asunder as Carlotta Bowles Morgan mistakenly weds Dash Ripford in a desperate attempt to discourage the attentions of Beauregard "Chicky" Handsworthy, Spring Valley's resident ear hair specialist. Later, terror strikes at Bullington Place when Carlisle Forthwright goes missing and Daphne Forbes Chamberlain can't remember a thing.


Later at Bullington Place, Carlisle Forthwright returns to find a hysterical Daphne Forbes Chamberlain screaming "I'm not Belinda!" while clutching a blow torch and a pair of jumper cables. Meanwhile, Deerborn Manor is the site of mystery and intrigue when Benson and Ophelia Newcastle find more than they bargained for.


At Deerborn Manor, Benson and Ophelia Newcastle fail in their diabolical scheme to murder Pinky Ellis Topshire, Benson's rich but insane aunt who had been in a torrid affair with Reginald "Tippy" Throppington, former cold cream model and star of the ill-fated TV series "That's Our Izzy!" Meanwhile at Pleasant Acres Sanitarium, what does Camille Booth Weston know...and when did she know it?


Later at Pleasant Acres Sanitarium, Camille Booth Weston claims she doesn't know the whereabouts of notorious nasal spray heiress Druscilla Hogg Layton who was last seen in the company of Percival Hobarth Lamesbury, former lap dance instructor and owner of the Dine ‘N’ Purge Café. Meanwhile, newlyweds Victoria and Parnell Reese Cruthers are unaware of the danger that awaits them at the Golden Hippo Inn.


At the Golden Hippo Inn, Parnell Reese Cruthers is in denial when he discovers that Victoria helped to seal the fate of Bathsheba Whitley, premiere proctologist and ex-member of “The Belchtones” whose single “Sheila Says Maybe" shocked the world in 1927. Meanwhile at Rottaway Manor, Millocent and Link Langsford are planning a most dastardly deed.


Treachery rears its ugly head at Rottaway Manor as Millocent and Link Langsford plan to kidnap Pierre Kowalski O’Leary Rodriguez Rabinowitz, the French/Polish/Irish/Spanish/Jewish delicatessen entrepeneur and one-time hairdresser to Vaudeville star “Li’l Stinky Mortimer.” Meanwhile, mystery abounds at Fabisham House as Delilah Clarke Duncan suddenly remembers she had a past life.


At Fabisham House, Delilah Clarke Duncan suddenly remembers her past life; she was Lieutenant Helmut "Bunky" Von Spielinger, Alexis Brafferton's illicit lover who's rumored to have become an interior decorator and costume designer for the Ku Klux Klan. Meanwhile at Lafalot Manor, Byron “Baldy” Whifferton blackmails both Cassandra Hartley and Alexis Landeau.


Treachery abounds at Lafalot Manor when Byron “Baldy” Whifferton learns that both Cassandra Hartley and Alexis Landeau had plotted against Kippy Billingsforth, millionaire playboy and author of the controversial children's novel "Whoopee, The Tow-Headed Crustacean". Meanwhile at Breakwind Place, terror strikes as Sylvia Ward Heathe is found murdered and Madeline Raines Corbett can’t find her nail file.


At Breakwind Place, Madeline Raines Corbett is distraught when her missing nail file is found in the hands of former clown school graduate Cornwall “Bippy” Henderson, who’s rumored to have stolen top secret underwear plans from the KGB. Meanwhile at Crockington Manor, Leona Pennworth Abercrombie discovers the secret formula while Rhonda Crimpwell has trouble with her delicates.


Terror casts a shadow on Crockington Manor when Leona Pennworth Abercrombie discovers the secret formula which causes Rhonda Crimpwell's foundation garments to spontaneously combust right in the middle of the 7th Annual Spring Valley Nosegay Festival. Meanwhile at Temple Beth Shalom, a mysterious intruder crashes the Goldenfarb Bar Mitzvah.


Temple Beth Shalom is the site of mayhem when Anastasia Asterburg Norton blunders in uninvited to reveal that Bar Mitzvah boy Myron Goldenfarb is really none other than infamous bon vivant Horatio Owen Baskingale, world renowned Go Go dancing champion and winner of the coveted "Most Flatulent" award. Later at Pillpop Place, Julia Forsythe has a nervous breakdown while Lulu Gadsen Wattlebury counts to 10.


Terror strikes Pillpop Place as Julia Forsythe loses her mind when Lulu Gadsen Wattlebury is found playing Footsie with Waverly Byrd Dratsworth III, who's rumored to have been a bouncer at the Club Dixie Doo before becoming the infamous "Cross-Dressing Masher of Mogawomp County." Meanwhile at the Last Chance Theatre, Bristol LaRue lands the role of Angelique in "The Mullet That Ate New York."


At the Last Chance Theatre, Bristol LaRue's turn as Angelique in "The Mullet That Ate New York" is interrupted by refrigerator magnate Landrick Mountbattan when he declares his undying devotion to part-time truck stop chanteuse and former "Miss Canteloupe" Chi Chi Hempstead. Meanwhile, chaos reigns at Mont Blanc when Leonardo "The Pin" Borfendork can't handle Lucretia Bordeaux Vandeveer's new hairdo