My grandmother passed away last week.

[LAGC]

For the past 15 years I've watched as she's battled with varying stages of dementia... at first it was just innocuous things like forgetting what she had for breakfast, what she was planning on doing that day, etc. Then it slowly progressed to her not being able to remember relatives' names, even though she recognized faces. Eventually she couldn't recognize faces either, and not long after that she lost the ability to speak altogether. For the past five years she's been pretty much crippled, unable to even do the most basic things like eat or walk by herself, without my step-grandfather taking care of her 24/7. For the past several months, she's been bed-ridden, and just a couple weeks ago began having the labored breathing, so her passing really came as no great surprise to all of us (4 kids through her first marriage, and many more grandkids).

Grandpa's real stubborn, he insisted on micro-managing the details of the funeral, which included holding the funeral services at the church right across the street from his place that was kind enough to host dementia support groups that he attended weekly (first with my grandmother in tow, then eventually by himself once she became too disabled to leave the house). It seemed harmless enough, as mom's side of the family was never very religious, so we didn't exactly have a church that we "belonged" to. We probably would have just as soon held the ceremony at a funeral home, instead of a church, but as grandpa was primary care-taker, we let him have his way. The siblings all got together at grandpa's place last week and spoke to the pastor (actually, retired pastor, who used to officiate at the church across the street, but was no longer practicing) and he assured us that he wasn't one to preach at funeral ceremonies, and that his sermon would be inclusive. Everything seemed in order.

Today the funeral happened. It started out well and good, I was one of the pallbearers who along with the other grandchildren escorted her casket the short distance from the hearse to her plot. There was a brief but heart-warming grave-side service that included a release of doves and a quick harmless reading from scripture. However, as we'd later lament, it's too bad we couldn't have left it on a high note. As we all soon found out, as we proceeded to the church for the "Celebration of Life", it turns out the pastor had something sinister up his sleeve...

Not even 10 minutes into the ceremony, this piece of work pastor has the gall to bring up the topic of "heaven or hell." I don't know what part of "I shall not preach" did this pastor have in mind, but he clearly didn't think a little lecture on the dangers of eternal damnation constituted such. What really pissed me off, was when he said that he was witness to grandma "having accepted Jesus Christ as Savior" two years ago, which meant she was surely in heaven now. He warned everyone in the audience in no uncertain terms that for those of us who don't accept Jesus, eternal torment in hell awaits. Bringing up the subject of hell at all at a funeral caused most of the siblings to gasp and take side-long looks at each other, but what got me more was the unintended message. Because there's no way my grandmother could have consciously "become saved" just 2 years ago, as she wasn't even able to talk or make sense of the world around her, her dementia was so bad. So what this pastor was inadvertently saying, was that my grandmother was now damned to hell! Great uplifting message there, pastor.

Anyway, after the 30-minute sermon, we all broke away for lunch in the church dining hall afterward (obstensibly paid for by the church, although my mom and aunt sent a few hundred dollars in advance to the church to help defray the food and prep costs) and the pastor was nowhere to be seen. I think he knew he ventured out of safe territory with his sermon, and made a quick exit before any of the siblings could voice their shock and dismay at him. Afterward, the siblings pretty much all agreed that holding services at the church was a bad idea, but grandpa seemed oblivious to it all. I guess if he was happy with it, then that's what's most important. But it sure would have been nice if we could have all left on a high note.

Oh well. We all agreed that despite what the pastor said, she is in a better place now, even mere non-existence is better than "living" like she was for the past several years. Its hard watching a loved one deteriorate like that with dementia, its hard to imagine anyone wanting eternal life if it meant they had to go on living like that forever.

[applegrove]

1. Sorry for your loss. Yes the same thing happened to us when my grandfather died

3 decades ago. The minister knew we would be 'at church' the Sunday after the funeral (which was at the funeral home). He went into not damnation but he started to scold those of us who were not practicing religion. There is a chance that he just coincidentally talked about bad christians when we were all there but I think he really meant us. Not fun cause when you are grieving you have so much going through your head that it is really jarring to be scolded.

[Warpy]

2. He was, in his hamfisted and narrowminded way,

trying to give you comfort that her ticket to his notion of heaven had been punched. You're not responsible for the fact that the man is hamfisted and an idiot.

You'll probably have to listen to the same stupid song and dance when Grandpa goes unless you're all wise enough to meet at someone's house rather than get suckered back into that church.

Feel sorry for him. He sounds like he's horribly limited and trying to convince himself as much as he was trying to comfort you.

[roguevalley]

3. that pastor is a bastard to do that. hell is here, hell is poverty and

dementia and being alone. hell is in your head. a god that loves us wouldn't allow a hell. God loved your grandma and grandpa. She's dancing in heaven waiting for him. All people go to the same place after we die. Its peace.

I had a near death experience and I remember the intensity of being happy and safe. My mother was there. I couldn't go past her and came back but I'm not afraid to die. Your grandma is in a wonderful place. I send you only the best wishes of peace and goodwill to you and yours. That 'pastor' is the saddest idiot I've read about in a while.

Hugs, Roguevalley

[Warpy]

4. What I remember is everything that was bugging me, including

terrible pain, suddenly became irrelevant and fell away. I've gotten close to that kind of bliss with deep jhana meditation, but not often. Then they squirted a bunch of stuff into my IV and ventilated me and it all came rushing back. Bummer.

I'm sure as hell not afraid of dying. Getting there is the hard part.

[roguevalley]

8. Its a byproduct I'm told, the lack of fear of death. For me, I was

sitting in a chair teetering and my sister was looking at me. Then it all got gray, then I was in my hometown, laying on the ground and looking up. It was summer and awesome and I felt so good. My mother was a young lady, wearing a beautiful long summer dress, white with yellow flowers and white shoes. I knew I couldn't come and then I was back, the gray and then the world was color again. My sister was beating on me, probably saved my life. I will never forget it. I asked nurses if you dream when you pass out and they all have said no. Hugs to you, honey. I feel your pain. :)

[Warpy]

9. Thanks, it's really different when you've almost bought it

It was such a drag to come back.

[roguevalley]

11. it is. but my dad did it twice and it made him even sweeter than

he actually was, another byproduct. Take care, honey

[DeSwiss]

5. A solemn K&R

[tavalon]

dupe

sorry, my computer hiccuped.

[tavalon]

6. I am sorry for your loss and even sorrier that jackass did that

I'm glad you have a place to vent here. May the passage of time wipe away the memory of that useless "pastor".

[Jokerman]

7. Sounds like my wife's grandfather's funeral.

He was an outspoken critic of religion and churches who suffered a long, slow decline from dementia.

When he was near death and completely uncommunicative, some yahoo preacher "saved" him and managed to turn his funeral into a fire and brimstone sermon directed toward the rest of us.

The end result was highly insulting to his memory and to those of us who actually knew the man.

[Dorian Gray]

10. That happened at a catholic

funeral I went to years ago. I was appalled myself at the turn of the homily, as it was far from comforting for the family.

[darkstar3]

12. My condolences. If it helps, you are not alone.

I have been to two such funerals for family members. One for my grandfather, and one for my wife's uncle.

At my wife's uncle's funeral, NO ONE wanted to mention the giant pink elephant in the room: He was gay, and had been rejected by the family and the church. The pastor danced around the subject like it was a sombrero, but in the end he stepped in it by bringing Hell into the equation and essentially telling everyone that he couldn't guarantee Mark had escaped it. I was so flabbergasted that after the service I couldn't even speak, and that is nothing to the anger felt by my wife. (We had been close to him during his last years.)

My grandfather's funeral was more painful to me. Here was a man who was a force of nature, strong in body, in heart, and in mind, brought low by malpractice to the shock and disappointment of literally hundreds of people. His funeral should have been a profound and memorable sendoff, a proper goodbye for a giant among men. But funerals in my old hometown are ONLY officiated by pastors, and grandpa had never seen any use in church, so the new pastor at my mother's church presided over the funeral after having met my grandfather exactly once, on his deathbed. He knew nothing of the man, he knew little about the family, and he spent the entire ceremony on generic platitudes and empty words from a book grandpa had never bothered with. It was nothing more than a church service opened with an obituary read straight from the program.

Since then, I have been educated on the subject of church/religious funerals. They're not about remembrance or grief, and they're not even really about the people left behind. They're an attempt at gaining closure while avoiding as much emotion as possible, and as such they only work for those who can take comfort from empty platitudes. Since you are not one of these people, and you have obviously been left to find your own closure, may I offer a suggestion?

Write a eulogy. Even if no one ever reads it, write it still. Include in it all the things you wish you'd gotten a chance to say at the funeral, and all the things you think the pastor should have said. Throw worries about length, style, and so on to the wind and simply write everything that you feel. It's what I did when my grandfather died, and it's what my wife did after her uncle's funeral. She even went so far as to share hers with other family members who also felt the ceremony was lacking, which is something you can do as well. I don't know if it will help you, but it helped us.

No matter where or how you find solace in this trying time, I wish you peace.

[LAGC]

13. Thanks.

That's a good idea, re: a eulogy.

There was so much my grandmother stood for in life, and being faithful to God wasn't one of them. A family friend is making a DVD picture-album with highlights of her life that he's going to provide to each of the surviving family members free of charge, maybe I should try to get a eulogy published on it? I'll have to drop him a line and see what his status is with the project.